Foul Mouth 14 yr old - Help? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Foul Mouth 14 yr old - Help? (long)
6
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:37pm

My DSS was followed to the door by his busdriver today (not the 1st time, but this is a new driver last week, so her 1st time). He has been using explicit language on the bus - all sexual in nature and extremely vulgar and offensive. I guess the majority today was directed at a mentally disabled girl.

Background: As it is he does not go to our own school district. In the fall, he was sent to an intensive day treatment program after spending nearly half of the 1st 2 months of school suspended both in and out of school. After the IDT, they recommended that Brandon attend a school where he could participate in a 6:1:1 ratio classroom (our district offers at best 12:1:1). We agreed, and he has been doing ok - definitely not much to be proud of, but somewhat of an improvement. DH doesn't think it is "better" enough to bother sending him over a half hour away...

Anyway, we are at our wit's end. We are a Christian family, with limits on TV, video games, music, etc. where that kind of content would be found. I understand that kids learn stuff from other kids, but come on! If he loses bus privileges, we are in a load of trouble, because neither DH or I can drive him where he goes. Granted, we are about 2 weeks from vacation, but he has been consistent enough that (sadly) we don't expect much to change for next year. We have tried several routes as far as discipline, taking away privileges, grounding, writing apology letters...we don't know how to get through to him. Mostly it scares me that he seems to really dwell on offensive sexual ideas. Last time it was lyrics to a song he wrote himself. This time going on and on about raping girls and such. For any that read my other post, this is the same puny kid that I talked about then.

We are at a loss, and sad for him and our family. He has been the center of almost all turmoil and stress in our home. We have 4 other children, plus one on the way, so this is very disheartening!

Maybe more than anything, I just need support. If any have dealt with anything similar, or have a child that have gone through something similar (and come out ok!) I would really appreciate it! What has worked for you? TIA!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 4:39pm

You have my prayers!

I am a school counselor, and I have a 13-year-old son. I logged onto iVillage today to read what other parents were saying about their teenagers' back-talking. When I read your posting, my heart went out to you. You are in a tough predicament, and I'm not sure what advice to give. Is he seeing a therapist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:12pm

He gets counseling at school - the sad part is that we can not afford to have him see a therapist or psychiatrist/psychologist. Our insurance does not cover much at all. But, when he was seeing a psychologist/counselor, they could not penetrate. He does not open up - maybe he would eventually, but we don't have years to do this...I don't know. One of my biggest concerns with him is his focus on sexual matters - will it progress to more than just "talk?" He hasn't hit puberty yet, and I worry that once his hormones start raging, we may be in for big trouble. It really scares me. Plus, his behavior with the younger siblings is not always appropriate - so I worry (they are never left alone) that he may try things? Ugh...

I just hate feeling like I have to "tolerate" him until he moves out. I have always been very close with my stepsons - but I feel like he is driving a wedge between us. It seems like he does more and more to make me not like him too much. I pray every day for the patience and wisdom for DH and I to work with him, and for him to experience some kind of life-changing moment. But, because of how he negatively affects the rest of the family, it is so difficult...I feel like we are butting heads against the wall.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:24pm

JMO but you can't afford not to have this child in therapy. School counselors are not set up to treat a child with severe issues like this. Contact your church and see if they can refere you to a good Christian counselor who will work with the entire family. Usually a sliding scale can be found and in many cases pro bono sessions are available.

I wish you all the best.
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:41am
From your initial OP your ds seems to be very angry and/or depressed.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:14pm

I strongly agree that this boy needs some counselling because this just doesn't sound like typical behavior for a kid this age. When I read your headline, I thought he was just swearing, which is a bad habit that a lot of teens nowadays seem to have. My 18 yo sweet honor student DD swears like a truck driver.

But the fact that he is saying inappropriate sexual stuff and directing anger at a mentally handicapped child indicates to me that he has some serious issues that need to be treated ASAP and it actually might take a long time to find out what the problem is, but the first thing that he needs is a complete psychiatric evaulation.

I know that where I live, the Dept. of Social Services, which is the agency that protects children from abuse and neglect, will also provide services to families upon request. That way, the state would pay for the counselling. Maybe you could consult your pediatrician. Another thing we have is going through the court system and it's called a Chld in Need of Services petitiion, and it's for kids who don't obey their parents, among other things. That's another way to get free services.

Just think of the cost if he actually assaults someone or gets thrown out of school. I know that public schools have to provide educational services to everyone, but it might not be that great. Do you think there's any possibility that he was sexually abused himself?

I really feel bad for you and I hope you can get some help soon for your son. It must be so stressful.

Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:43pm
I'm afraid I agree with others--you have to find the money somewhere for counseling for him because he is headed for serious trouble.
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