Found Alcohol in DD Room

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Found Alcohol in DD Room
12
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 10:41pm

I would have never expected this from my daughter. She is an excellent student, exceptional dancer, and has everything going for her. I found alcohol in her closet this afternoon while she was out with her friends. Her excuse was that it is her friends and I asked who, but she would not tell me. I asked her if she had ever been drunk and she responded no, but I don't know what to believe anymore. We talked about the consequences that come with drinking and she just repeated that she knows. Right now she is grounded until further notice, but I don't fully know for how long. I just need some advice.

Adelaide

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:24am

Here's what you do.....first...BREATHE a BIG sigh of relief that it was not the school to whom your daughter admitted drinking, which in these days of zero tolerance could have ended in suspension or expulsion. No chance for us parents to handle it on our own, even if we never knew our kids were engaging in the activity. (On Oct. 10 my son was suspended for 5 days last month for having admitted to having a few sips of rum, OFF school grounds, before a football game. He, too, is a good student whom I never thought would get in trouble for drinking.)

Then, you talk with her, again, about all those things you've told her 100s of times about the dangers of illegal activity--alcohol AND drugs. Question her, over and over and over again, and slowly the info may come out--where she got the alcohol, if there's alcohol at parties/sleepovers she attends, etc. That's the way it worked with my son and there'll be no more sleepovers for him. She may have never been 'drunk', but I'd say 90% of the time, if you find alcohol, they have at least tried it.

Then you tell her about my son, who now needs counseling because he was in such anguish over having been suspended, that I feared he'd commit suicide. He worried about what the teachers would think of him, how far behind he'd be in his classwork when he returned, how his grades might drop, how this would hurt his chances for being admitted to his first-choice college and what the other parents would think of him. He's now okay, I think, but looking back on the past month and his zombie-like state, I know he was severely depressed. But the schools don't warn you about that... they just say, "Here, take your rotten kid, we don't want him."

Then, you tell the parents of her friends so that they are aware, and so that the Z-T zealots in our schools don't turn more of our children into emotional wrecks. And then you get all the parents and everyone you know to speak out agains zero tolerance, and inform them that there are alternatives to suspension and expulsion. And then you pray a lot, and hope that all your messages got through. Good luck!

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 7:31am

"It belongs to my friend" is the oldest excuse in the book, and I've heard it from all of my DSs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:19am

You didnt mention how old DD is?

First, it's HER alcohol-you are doing no one a favor by deluding yourself.

When we found flavored vodka in DS2's closet, he was moved from teh basement bedroom(where we later found out he was climbing out the window from in the middle of the night but didnt know it at that time)

He was on the floor with us and monitored more closely.

You might want to read teh threads on sleepovers-several of us have found these are prime times to drink. Either the kids scheme and say they are at someone else's house and just roam, the parents choose not to supervise, or the parents provide the alcohol. I'd have to add the parents are asleep while kids are climbing out basement window; I would never willingly abet something but I am not able to stay up all night and monitor either!

So, eliminate those or only allow them at your home. I don't care who they are with. IMO its the most involved popular kids who have the most access to drugs and alcohol. I was a geek in high school-introverted, shy-I didnt touch alcohol or drugs. I could claim sainthood but I wasnt exposed to the opportunities either-no parties, no dating-my socializing was going out for pizza and root beer with girls just like me! My most popular son has been the one most involved with alcohol(sports, student council)

A punishment like short grounding is in order-tells her you take thie seriously- but keeping a shorter leash in general will make drinking more difficult for her to manage. One thing often mentioned here is to be sure you dont go overboard with the punishment-that can backfire as they have nothing left to lose.

Continue the education and discuss drinking and driving. Do you want to tell her you will pick her up no questions asked if she has been drinking? Time to formulate your thoughts and plan on that

It's serious but it's not unheard of. Make it difficult and keep it minimal but I cant say you can totally eliminate it :(




Edited 11/6/2006 12:36 pm ET by windrush54
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:09pm

Hi,
I just wanted to let you know about the flip side of zero tolerance. A couple of weeks ago the police officer assigned to our high school found a teenager in his car passed out. He broke the window to get to him; his blood alcohol level was .35! If the police officer hadn't found him, he may have died. Our school does not have a zero tolerance policy, and so what has happened if that we have these types of situations going on, and kids who probably aren't getting the help they need. Let's face it, many parents are not as concientious as you and I, and in fact as has been mentioned many times on this board, are the ones who provide the alcohol for their teens. I don't know what the answer is, but our school is not handling these types of issues very well, either, only they seem to err on the other side of zero tolerance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:27pm

I was equally as shocked as you were when I found out my 17 yo DD had tried alcohol. She is also a top student, involved in many extra-curricular activities, etc. Her friends are as well and she told me that "all" of them drink and she is one of the few who hardly drinks at all. She told me she has only tried it twice and that the 2nd time, she threw up, so she must have quite a lot. I have not grounded her for this as I don't think there is any way to totally prevent kids from drinking and I sure know that in college, if she goes away, she will probably be drinking more. (I have heard from my friend who has a 20 yo son and my cousin, who was an RA and just graduated from college that it goes on all the time even though it's illegal.)

I still don't know what the answer is. I would have a zero tolerance myself for drugs, which are illegal, but alcohol is legal and eventually they are going to be able to drink. I hardly drink much myself, just the occasional drink when I go out to dinner. We don't have alcohol in the house either. Also, I would never supply it to anyone else's kids. But I am trying to drive home the points about not drinking & driving and also, not overdoing it because of the dangers involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:57pm

A kid in his car at school with a .35 alcohol? Yikes. That is bad, but you know what? Even if you had a zero tolerance policy, that kid probably still would have done it. So you kick him out of school. What happens then? Our juvenile courts are mad at the schools for dumping these kids without addressing their emotional disorders and learning disablities. Suspension and expulsion are not the answers, especially for first-time offenders.

Prohibiting his driving to school(obviously he's a threat to everyone's safety if he's got the keys to a vehicle with a .35) would be an appropriate punishment, as would requiring that he attend AA meetings, counseling,and do commuity service and after-school detention. Again, suspension and expulsion are NOT the answers.

Everyone thinks, Z-T is being tough, and all the bad behavior will stop. The research proves otherwise.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:41pm

Holy Moley, Marie! What happened to this kid? How did he get so drunk at school? Or did he show up that way?

(I'm doing laundry today and keep popping in here in between loads. Does that explain why I'm here so much today? lol I need to find a hobby ...)

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:52pm
Apparently he showed up that way, and actually he was not the one driving, he was on the passenger side. Sufficie it to say the driver was also drunk, and when he returned to the car was met by the police officer who did arrest him. Who knows what will happen to these boys now. I certainly hope they get the help that they need; I agree it would be more productive to assign them to court mandated counseling, rehab, whatever, I agree expulsion is not necessarily the answer, and our school does not handle the situation that way. I have no idea how they handle it, because fortunately we have not had to deal with these issues even regarding their friends, but it makes me want to consult my handbook. In this case, it looks like these boys will be dealing with the law now rather than the school, which is fine. I shudder to think of all the drivers who were at risk that day due to these foolish kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:12am

First of all I would like to say thank you for all of your advice. It has really helped in this situation. Sorry that I forgot to mention her age before but she is almost 16 years old and a junior in high school. I tried talking to her again but she still wont tell me how she got the alcohol. Im going to ask her older brother if he knows anything, but he is very protective and I doubt he gave it to her. I know that it is not her friends and that it is hers but she continues to say it is her friends. For the time being she is grounded, has more chores to do around the house, and will not getting her license on time as planned. Also, I told her that when her grounding is over, if she wants to hang out with her friends she can at our house, which she pretended to be okay with. I did compromise with her though and said that she can spend a supervised day with her long distance boyfriend in college over Thanksgiving break. Thank you again.

Adelaide

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:27am

access to alcohol seems to be pretty easy around here and that's even more true in college

NOT trying to blame the BF for this or discourage the relationship, but I think older 'kids' give it to younger kids all the time. They don't see a problem with it so it could be brother, brother's friends, the BF, BF's friends....she or a friend could have shoplifted it(I suspect that is where ds2 got the tiny bottles of Baileys we found in his glove compartment one time)

I'm not sure it's important where she got it because even if you eliminate that source, there will be another, KWIM??

I remember drinking in college and I couldnt tell you where the booze came from-someone knew someone who knew someone; it was rarely a situation where I could say "Bill gave it to me".

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