Found something ugly while snooping

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Found something ugly while snooping
8
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:37am

I went through my dd 15's text messages this morning while she was in the shower and there was a text from a boy asking her to perform a sexual favor for him after school the next day. She said nah, I've got track. She also has a boyfriend and this was not him. I'm glad she said no but the way she said it was like she was not offended by him asking this or possibly this has happened before.

I've snooped before and found things I didn't like and confronted her about it. I don't know whether to leave it alone since she said no or confront her about this too. I feel like the only way I know anything is by snooping and I don't want to cut off all my resources. Obviously she'll just be more deligent about erasing her text messages if I confront her.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:59am

I personally would let this go b/c you don't know the full story behind the message. Yes, it was inappropriate but there may have some innocent joke behind it that you are not aware of. Combine that with the fact that DD said no, I would leave it be but keep a watchful eye.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:42pm
Yeah, I would let it go. I know what you saw was a bit disturbing and you want the whole story, so would I. But it's not an emergency, or worth loosing your "resource" over. You might want to casually start a conversation with her about having a good reputation or whatever it was that concerned you about the message without seeming obvious. But choose your words wisely, because if she is anything like my DD, she will know you were "snooping" by what you try to bring up.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:05pm
I agree with the others. Let this go but watch her just in case it wasn't a joke. My DS & I sometimes share MSN when talking with DD and so I read many of his messages as they come in. I'm shocked by the sexual comments made between kids today. I find the girls really bad. good luck, Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:21pm
My suggestion would be to quit snooping and start talking. I am fortunate that my DDs are very open with me about their sexual concerns, experiences, and questions, sometimes to the point where I have to try hard not to blush, but it is because I have never hesitated to discuss things with them
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:05am
Thanks everyone for the advice. After I've had time to think about too, I think you're all right.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:53am

I've encountered this with my 16dd when she used to have access to the internet and AIM and I confronted it everytime - I would tell her that I accidentally saw it or opened it or whatever. I'd figure out something to say, without making it seem like I was snooping. I really never snooped until I found the first IM that she saved that contained just basic rude talk about sex and what she was wearing and whether or not she'd show the guy her thong panties or something like that.

We've always had VERY open discussions about sex, boys, thier bodies, etc., and I think it's especially important for girls who are developing and navigating through thier opposite sex relationships/interactions to know how important it is to respect thier bodies and protect themselves from being used.

I think that this finding of your dd's has provided an opportunity to discuss with her how demeaning and harmful casual sex can be. By the way you post about it, it DOES sound like a very casual answer to me also, especially considering she has a BF. Why wasn't she more offended or surprised or angry by this other boy's request. And if she can so casually discuss giving or getting sexual favors with a boy who ISN'T her BF, what is she discussing or doing with her actual BF??

I think that 'letting it go' is like hiding your head in the sand, personally. Of course, keeping a closer eye is a great idea, but you can't follow her around 24/7 - she needs to know your feelings about these issues BEFORE something happens or before she finds herself in difficult or dangerous situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:36pm
Yup, I agree with you, hearts. You might just say you "saw on Oprah" that these teen girls are participating in these casual sex favors, or that you read an article. That has been my approach and it has paved a path for discussion on such topics. DD knows I'm pretty well-informed because I read lots of articles, talk to parents, watch Oprah occasionally, read parenting books. So when I bring up these subjects (even though it is hard), she will usually discuss her feelings about it. Even if she is not being 100% honest with me, I'm quite sure it prompts her to really think about it. She at least gets some moral guidance in an indirect way. I do think it helps her make a decision when a situation arises.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 6:00pm

Yes! I agree, I do some snooping now and then even though we have a pretty open relationship. Whever I see anything that worries me I bring it up in a casual way, as was mentioned, saw it on Oprah or read an article or whatever. My daughter has not once thought I was snooping but it has opened up communication about things she didn't plan on telling me. I think it's a bad idea to let them know you are snooping. I know some people think it's wrong to snoop, but if I had done it a long time ago, I think we would be in less of a mess than we are now. I also think it's a bad idea to let it go, just use the oprah excuse and even if she doesn't admit what was said, she will hear what you have to say about it.

Good luck!