Freedom? How much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Freedom? How much?
7
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:23am

Ok. My dd is 19 and goin into her second yr of college. She lives here with us and drives to school and works part time.

She is a young adult and we respect that.

Im just having trouble knowing some of my limits as a parent of a young adult college student.

Should we expect her to tell us where she is goin and give us an approximate time for when she will be home?

Is it ok to expect her to do chores and such here at home now?

Is it ok to call her on her cell phone some while she is out?

Is it ok to inquire about her money situations and check in on her finances?

She live here, works part time, goes to school and is a really good girl. She has never given us problems in the past. We want to treat her like an adult, but at the same time, she is still our dd and lives in our home.
She does have a boyfriend that we disapprove of, but that is a whole other story.

If there is anyone else who has a child this age living at home, can u advise me on what are "ok" expectations from them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 5:38am

Hi,

It is way too late tonight to respond. I just wanted to let you know that you can expect some suggestions from me tomorrow.

Jason
http://TheParentsCoach.com

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:19am

Hi Redhead! And welcome to the board.


I've had all 3 of my DSs living at home as Almost Independent Kids (another iVillage board), and most of the time, in most situations I asked myself "what would the deal be if he were living out on his own?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:41am

Should we expect her to tell us where she is goin and give us an approximate time for when she will be home?

Yes, You would expect as much from your spouse. The reason being is so that you don't worry. It's a matter of respect for the family. You don't have to know the whos and such but I would say knowing when she'll be home is good idea.

Is it ok to expect her to do chores and such here at home now? Absolutly. She's living in your home, rent free, then yes, she should be helping out around the house. Just because she's an adult, doesn't dismiss the fact that she is member of the family.

Is it ok to call her on her cell phone some while she is out? Not unless there is an emergancy. Give her, her privacy.

Is it ok to inquire about her money situations and check in on her finances?

No. They are her finances and her business. Be available though. If you see her making mistakes that will cost her later, then offer to give her guidance in this area, but don't give it unless she wants it.

Hopefully you have prepared her well before she became an adult in this reguard. ie.. She knows that credit is not a tool and to avoid debt. To not get into the credit card trap and car loan trap (much better to save up and pay cash). To be saving for retirement now (compound interest can do amazing things with a nominal contribution. It's hard to play catch up when you are older). Setting up of an emergancy fund etc..

stacy


Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:34am
My kids are younger, but I think everyone under the roof should help in the house. If she lived out on her own, she would still have to help unload a dishwasher, sweep a floor! It is part of life. Or, hey, she can help pay for a maid to come!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:13am

OK - here's MY response to your questions:

<>

No - you can expect it if you want, but don't be surprised if you don't GET it. Like bunnierose said, my only requirement is that if DS is not coming home (something he usually tells me in advance anyway), he has to let me know so that I don't worry. As to his regular day to day activities, I only require he tell me about those if they affect me - otherwise, he's on his own (my one caveat is family activities - I make sure HE knows about THEM in advance).

<>

Absolutely - at the very least, she should be responsible for her own personal living space, cleaning up whatever mess she makes, and doing her own laundry. Beyond that, it's up to you - but chores are, in my opinion, rent.

<>

Depends why. If you're calling her to check in on where she is, no - even at 15-16, kids get embarrassed to get calls from "mommy." If you're calling to tell her something has happened, or if she told you she'd be home at a certain time, and hours have gone by without hearing from her, yes.

The text message is a wonderful tool. Kids have no idea who their friends are getting messaged from, so they don't know it's "mommy," and you can ask that they call you - which they can do from someplace private (My text messages have been known to say "if I don't hear from you within 10 minutes, your sh*t is going out on the porch!").

One of my issues is that I do not see my son from Friday until Sunday night - he spends every weekend at his boyfriend's house - it's a constant battle to HEAR from him once in a while- just to know he's still alive.

<>

Not unless they affect you - if she's paying for her own stuff, that's it - just don't give or lend her money if she's not keeping you informed of her finances.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:30am

Redhead,

I totally agree with the replies you have gotten so far. It is all good guidance. At 19, she is transitioning out of your care. She will never transition out of your concern, though consern is not just another word for worry. By the time she leaves your house for one of her own, if you have been following the advice you just got, you will know that she can make it on her own so you can focus your concern on wanting her to get the breaks and achieve a happy, successful life on her terms. You have a wonderful opportunity of letting her practice living on her own without the risks that abound when they have to practice after they are on their own. If you play this right, you get the opportunity to coach her through this period. That will set up a relationship where you will continue to be sought out for your counsel.

There is a excellent book by Diane Sterling called "Parent As Coach" which teaches parents how to do exactly what I described. I use this book as my text when I teach parenting. If you can't find it locally, you can order it on the resources section of my website: http://theparentscoach.com/resourcelist.htm

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:56am

My son Jacob, who is nearly the same age as your daughter, is home for the summer from college and I have given him a lot of privacy. When he leaves I just ask where, just because I am curious and he doesn't mind because I leave it at that. It is habit for me to ask just how it was but I don't pry and I leave it at "good" if he wants it ended there. The only time I called his cell phone to check on him was in the very beginning when he didnt come home until 5:30 am and said that he would be back by 2:00 am, but I think that is understandable given the circumstances. His room is still the same messiness that it has been for the past 18 years, and I am okay with it as long as he doesn't ruin the carpet or walls. Everyone in my family does their own laundry, except for towels, and everyone is expected to clean up after theirselves outside of their bedrooms. So far this has worked, he trusts me and doesn't feel he has to hide everything from me, and I trust him because he is a smart boy.

Kate