Friends & Influences

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Friends & Influences
9
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 1:46pm

My DD 13 daughter just told me that a friend of hers who I will call Mary (who is 14) had sex with her BF and is doing pot. This is a childhood friend of my DD -- not part of her usual "circle" of friends at her middle school (this girl is already in HS).

Through the years, I never trusted Mary although she is sweet. But she has had a history of cutting herself, being in therapy, depression, etc. She has many problems -- although the family seems "together." The parents do not know any of this latest developments(ie, sex and pot).

While I was not shocked when my DD told me this, I did say something to her when she asked to go over Mary's house today. I have always insisted that (not just this friend but others too) that a parent be in the house when friends get together. Not that I don't trust my daughter but I firmly believe it is inviting trouble to allow teens to go unsupervised.

I asked to speak with my daughter before she went to Mary's house today and asked her, as usual, if the parents were there. My DD freaked out, saying she was sorry she told me anything and that I don't trust her, etc. etc.

I told her that I would like her to use her best judgement in her relationship with Mary since friends can influence behavior. She got very indignant and upset. I wanted to advise her -- I am not going to forbid her from seeing this friend because I know where that can lead. My DD said that Mary is an example of what NOT to be in life. And she is basically a good person. I said that this can turn out to be quite a heavy burden of a relationship and if she was ready for that.

This whole conversation did not go very smoothly, although I wanted my DD to understand that there are dangers to associating with people like Mary who have so many problems and she needs to be aware of that. My gut feeling is that Mary might, at some point, really go into crisis and depend on my DD for support she cannot give. I also fear that Mary might introduce my DD to pot or other behaviors I don't approve of.

Any thoughts?
gal-marcia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:24pm
Your dd is very young and I think you are right to do what you can to limit this friendship that your dd may not be mature enough to handle.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:25pm
I totally agree with how you are responding to this situation. Your DD is very lucky to have a mom that shares her concerns, sets boundaries and rules to protect her, and still allows her a little space to make her own judgments.
I also have a 13 year old DD, and I am still finding my way in this parenting a teen world. One thing that I am learning is that they will freak out and yell. As long as you remain firm and calm your DD will hopefully calm down from thinking your totally clueless and accept and respect your opinion. This doesnt always work for me, but when it works out it is awesome, and it helps me stay sane (God knows when she freaks out I could totally loose it).
Anyway, your little story is inspiring to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 6:26pm

I know exactly what you're saying, I could have wrote your post about my now 21 y/o DS J and his best friend S, probably about 7 years ago.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 7:18pm
I was in your shoes when my daughter was 13 (3 years ago) so I will tell you what happened to me. DD's friend took a turn for the worst in 8th grade. My daughter would tell me about her promiscuity, drinking, wearing black, cutting herself. I mentioned that she may need to talk to a counselor and that it was rather risky to hang out with "A" at this time. DD just wouldn't give up on her. It seemed that when I said that it made things all the more attractive to DD. That is how she still is at 16 (now with a boyfriend we don't really approve of). So, I would say it really depends on your daughter's personality. Is she more of a leader or follower? My dd is a follower. The friend was rather controlling and became a bad influence on my daughter. She got in trouble with her several times. I even tried to talk to the friends' mom. The mom blew up at me when I mentioned that it might be helpful for "A" to talk to a counselor. She said she hated me! The mom, on the surface, seems perfectly decent and normal. DH and I said we didn't want DD hanging out with A anymore. DD had a fit!! Slamming doors, swearing, etc. But she did get away from A. All was well until sophomore year and it happened all over again! After about 4 months of the two of them staying out past curfew with no explanation, going to houses we didn't approve of, disappearing for 2-3 hours at a time, getting caught with pot, DH and I said ENOUGH again. Then a repeat of the scene in 8th grade... screaming and yelling and saying she hated us! The girl's mom called me and said I was saying bad things about her daughter and needed to keep my opinions to myself. I just HAD to say...no, not when they involve my daughter's well-being. She accused me of telling other parents not to let their kids hang out with A... sorry, but those parents figured that out for themselves, which I told the mom. Oh my gosh... it was a very stressful situation to say the least. The girl ended up pregnant even though she was on the pill (she "forgot" to take them). Then she lost the baby and has no girlfriends, only boyfriends. So... my advice is... do not take this lightly. Even if your dd screams and yells, prepare yourself and you may have to restrict their time together. Again, it really depends on your dd's personality. Maybe she can handle this on her own. Trust your judgement.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:25am

Many thanks for all your advice & stories. This is a very supportive group & I will be visiting often!

Marcia

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:05pm
Marcia,
Have you rented the movie "Thirteen"? I would suggest you do that and watch it with your DD. It is about a girl who is has a friend who becomes a very bad influences... things snowball and get worse and worse. It would give an opportunity for the two of you to talk about some things that you may not even know teens do. Your daughter may also open up to you while watching it. It is rated R (mainly because of the "F" word constantly being use and one nude scene), but I still think it could be a valuable teaching tool. Good luck.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:30pm

I've seen this movie and I have to say that it also has a disturbing scene of cutting as well as a graphic scene in which the two girls try to seduce an older guy. I don't think this movie is appropriate for everyone....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:33pm

Yes, I saw "Thirteen" when it first came out in video (and my daughter was about 11 or 12). Frankly, I thought about showing it to her -- and I would if it had a sanitized version -- some of the sex scenes, I think, are too graphic (she has never seen a rated R movie before). Scary movie!

Marcia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:59pm

You're in a tough position, to be sure, but I think you need to listen to your dd. If you trust her, and she has never given you a reason not to, then I think you need to listen to dd that the girl's behaviour will not affect her. If you limit her spending time with the friend to time spend in your house, you run the risk that she will never tell you anything substantial again. Ultimately, go with your gut.

I don't know about you, but I have built in radar as to whenever my dd's up to something. I just don't know what that something is...my dd won't tell me that kind of stuff because she assumes, correctly, that I would limit time spent at that particular friend's house.