Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
Frustrated
5
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:22pm
I feel like my son is trying to give me a heart attack. not that ive ever had one but he really raises my blood pressure. Since he was 13 he decided he wasn't going to attend school. My (child) out wieghs me and towers over me. I signed him up at high school and he still would not go. I do not have the help or support of the dad as the courts took away his parental rights in 2000 for being unfit and abuse issues.
My son now at 16 has a (phone) relationship with him. I beleive The dad uses this to turn my son against me. My son doesnt talk much to me anymore and when he does its really rude, and I'm very embarassed to admit this to anyone but he is always telling me to shut (tf) up. Go to my room...or calls me an idiot. I feel so disrespected and it really hurts.
I put him in home school to keep him in a school, any school.. but recently he wasnt applying himself at all and they wanted him out of that school. So now i'm at a loss.
He sneaks out of the house in early morning hours. I tried to talk to him about this and he told me I'm being an idiot and acting irrational when I told him I do not want him going out in the middle of the night. He said he will do it anyways and that all kids do.
I'm so embarrassed to be writing this but i'm at my wits ends. This child is running my house and my life. If things dissapear, he does not admit to taking those things. (he an I are the only ones here and I know I didnt take them) If I try to just be happy and sing through the house. He tells me to stfu, go to my room and his latest thing is to call me a f#gg@t.
I dont use drugs. I am tryng to maintain a respectful persona in the community. I work in a pharmacy. I am called (sweet), too sweet by my peers. I feel like this is the hardest time in my life and the biggest challenge and I feel like a failure.
And I desperately need to tak to someone. Please feel free to respond. Theres so much more going on here but I feel like I would be writing a book. His dad was/is an abusive man that I was advised by the police after a beating, to get far away from him. I did.
He took the kids from me and kept them hidden until the County Gave them back to me.
Both children refused counceling. The oldest is married now and my son is the hardest.
I told him I want to help him and that I love him. but he tells me to get away from him and dont touch him not even a kiss on the cheak or a hug. The house feels like a tomb. and now I find myself in my room alot and very depressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: trasealoo61
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:40pm

Is your older child male?

I think you need a male figure in this young mans life who can be a positive influence-I dont know how to make that happen as you are, as you have said, 'too sweet'.

Is there anything you can remove from him financially? A cell phone?

Is he working?

I'm sorry you are going through this. You definitely need someone to step in and help you. There are surely program and resources out there. Call around-health dept, schools, mental health centers, church-you dont need to give your name at first-see what they have to offer but find SOMETHING

This is tragic for BOTH of you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: trasealoo61
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:40pm

The kids may have refused counseling, but that doesn't mean that you can't go - and IMHO, the only way this situation is going to get better is if you do go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: trasealoo61
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:45pm

You stated that the kids refused counciling but what about you. Being in an abusive relationship is difficult, walking away is difficult, raising children alone is difficult - you certainly would have nothing to be embarrassed about by seeking counciling. A councilor could help you to deal with the stress that these situations have created and could also help to teach how to deal with your son.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I really feel that counciling could help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: trasealoo61
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:05pm

There is a court procedure in MA (where I live)called Child in Need of Services. Basically, it's either for kids who are skipping school or won't listen to their parents. My DH's 16 yo nephew actually went through this because he wasn't listening to his mother and ended up pulling a knife on his stepdad, who is a jerk anyway and pays no attn. to the child. The ironic part about this is that Mike has always been really well behaved when he was at our house. I think one of the reasons why is that my DH has been the kind of person who will not take any bad behavior, but since he has a DD the same age, the kids grew up together. When they were little, my DH would take them out and do a lot of things w/ them, while basically Mike's mother didn't spend much time w/ him and was pretty anxious to put him on ritalin to keep him quiet. Even a couple of years ago, when my DH wasn't working due to a work injury, Mike's mother sent him over our house on every school vacation. He is also a big kid and could be physically intimidating, except that my DH is a lot bigger and is also a black belt in karate, so we don't have that issue in our house.

After the court proceeding was started, Mike was put in a foster home and had to earn every privilege, where compared to his house, his parents would buy him basically everything he wanted and he took advantage of them. I know that part of a CHINS proceeding is also counselling if the court orders it. There is none of this "I don't want to go."

The last time we saw Mike was on a weekend in the summer, I think, or maybe it was a school vacation. Anyway, we were kind of nervous about letting him come over since he has used drugs in the past and in addition to DH's DD, I also have an 11 yo DS. I certainly didn't want him being exposed to drugs. My DH told him that it would have to be on a time when he was home because he wasn't going to let the kids be unsupervised. He also said there would be no drug use or even cigarette smoking because my DSD doesn't smoke. (As an aside, do you believe that Mike's parents actually buy him cigarettes and his mother is a nurse?) He was fine and didn't give us any trouble that weekend, so my DH told him that everything was great and since he behaved, he was welcome to come back. Well, his mother actually was insulted that my DH laid down the law.

So right now it seems that your DS is in control, he knows it and there's nothing you are going to be able to do until the situation is reversed. Your son grew up witnessing his DF being abusive to you and maybe subconsciously he has determined that is how men are supposed to treat women. You probably have some issues yourself from suffering through this relationship because I am wondering how a 13 yo kid could decide they are not going to go to school and get away w/ it. I would be dragging my kid out of bed and personally taking him to school every day, if that's what it took. I also would not let a child decide that he isn't going to counselling. You need to find some referrals for programs both for you & your son. Good luck. I really feel sorry that you are in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
In reply to: trasealoo61
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:33am

Don't be embarassed. Not here.

Girl, I was in a situation much like yours this time last year when my DS was 16. He was constantly leaving and I was constantly calling the police to bring him back home. He bullied me to the point where I couldn't even listen to any music I liked in the car, if I took away his computer priviledges, he just pulled the cords out and threw them on the roof or just took them away with him when he left.

I was living in a war zone. He once got so mad he grabbed an air pistol and began shooting up the house. He has busted so many holes in the walls that I can't even count them. He also cussed me regularly and told me to shut the f*** up.

In Texas, if you wait until they're 17 the state no longers wants to help you, along with some other organizations.

I don't have any answers for you really. My situation is still tenuous. My son is 17 and lives on his own now. Works and goes to high school, pays his bills. It is a strange situation, but I swear, I couldn't have stayed in the he** I was living in.

If he needs to be put out of your house, I say do it. (I didn't put mine out, that's just how things worked out). Of course you want to make sure he's in a safe situation and not living on the streets.

And I can understand about not being able to physically control a 13 y.o. and force him to school. Mine was 6 ft. by the time he was 13. Luckily he didn't try to intimidate me or control me that early.

I also participate on the Troubled Teens Board. Here's the link and don't hesitate to post there, also. There are some terrific women who have been down this road.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-pstroubled&nav=start

Good luck, and stick around, ok?

zz