Frustrated!!!
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| Wed, 10-05-2005 - 5:10pm |
My 15 year old daughter will not get a job! I have been telling her that she needs to get a job when she turns 15. She had an interview today to be a lifeguard at the community center. Her attitude was HORRIBLE. I am so embarrassed.
A bit of background...she is VERY spoiled. I was a single mom for a very long time and have given her everything (within reason) that I can afford. She made a comment to her step-dad that she doesn't NEED to work. When she wants something all she has to do is ask me or her grandma. If she can't get it from us she bums money off her b/f and friends. I have told her that she is not PARIS HILTON.
I have told her that the MOMMY BANK is closed and she just says 'yeah right'. This kid has NO chores. She has the attitude 'why do things..my mom will take care of it'. I end up getting so frustrated that I end up doing her so called chores for her.
I am afraid that if she doesn't learn how to be responsible she will be like my 38 year old friend who still lives with her parents. I will move to another country before I let that happen.
She is my the only child and I want so much to get along with her. Being tough is emotionally draining. ANY SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME!

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IMHO, this is an easy one.....stop buying her stuff. PERIOD. Not stuff she needs like a warm jacket for the winter or food to eat, but things she 'wants'. When she sees that she needs money, she'll find a way to make it. The statement she made to her step-dad may have been rude, but it sounds like it's right.... she doesn't need a job.
A middle ground could be to give her an allowance to buy what she wants - and tie chores to it if you want. Then when that $ runs out, she's out of luck. Both my kids (6yo and 14yo) have allowances and they know exactly what's expected of them to earn it and what they are expected to buy for themselves.
This is not being cruel to her (as she will definitely tell you; and grandma may say so too), this is being KIND. You are teaching her to be responsible with her money.
and teaching her not to be that 38yo who still lives with and depends on his/her parents.
Sue
i think that you can still fix this - but you are going to have to change YOUR attitudes and actions first. you see of course that she already KNOWS that no matter how much you yell and complain - you will end up doing the chores, picking up after her, buying her what she needs. because - this has been the pattern. and single parents have it even more difficult because we are alwasy afraid that our kids will up and leave us and go live with the 'other' cooler parent.
so ---- of course it would be great if you had trained your dd from birth that chores are everyone's responsibility.but - no matter, she will learn it now.
so i would advise you to get some help for yourself - speak to a therapist who deals with parents of teens (especially single parents) and get some pointers on how to re-organize your household. of course, you can go 'on strike' = stop making her fav foods, stop driving her places, etc.
It starts with one simple word:
Questions you need to ask yourself that will determine if working part-time is something your child should be doing
How does she do in school? Would working part-time impact her marks? Her chances for a post-secondary education? And what does she need the money for? Is it for spending money to buy make-up or clothes or go out with her friends,is it worth the hit her marks will take?
In our household, my kids do not work during the school year. I didn't during high school and during university (except for summers) and I am far from irresponsible. My kids have too much homework to keep up with it and their primary responsibility is to meet their school obligations. It is a matter of priorities. If they wanted jobs (and I am not stopping them) the rule is that they must maintain a high enough average for acceptance into any post-secondary program.
Just something to think about..
Thank you so much for your advice. The problem that I have is that I am way too easy on her. I have felt very guilty since she was little because her dad isn't in her life. Therefore I have had to be both mom & dad full-time.
She has been my partner up until she hit puberty. Now she says that I aggravate her and that she doesn't like me. Even if I tried we wouldn't be friends. I constantly tell her (more like lecture than yell) at her to be more responsible. One of her jobs is to clean the litter box. She wouldn't do it! So I moved the litter box into her bathroom so that she can see it everyday. That didn't get her to clean it. Next I put it (clean of course) on the nightstand by her bed. This didn't make her clean it she didn't seem bothered by it at all. It seems like NOTHING really matters to her.
She is an 'introvert' so she doesn't express much. So when I lecture her,discuss or punish she jumps to it. Not immediatly but a couple of days later. Then she will become responsible, nice and talkative. Just until she hears a praise from me then she goes back to normal. She knows that when I praise her I go overboard. I will be so full of happiness and thinking the future looks great! I know that my daughter knows how to 'play' me.
I am taking everyone's advice and will stop 'giving' to her things that she wants. I don't want to tell her what I am planning on doing because she will 'play me'. From here on out I am going to say 'No' when she wants something. As for grandma she pretty much follows my lead. As for my husband will do pretty much anything for her within reason.
I have come to the conclusion that I don't like teenagers!
We at first didn't want her to get a part-time job during the school year. But she was doing Fall crew and had to drop out because of transportation problems. My daughter is a computer potato (kinda like a couch potato). She does real well in school. Most of her classes are 11th grade courses (She's in 10th grade). School work/homework has ALWAYS been easy for her.
She is just not motivated to do ANYTHING! I told her that during her high school career she needs to be involved in something other than the computer. She is not very athletic so she signed up for Crew last year. I'm not sure if you know much about crew but this activity runs all throughout the school year. The crew practices are everyday M-F and sometimes on saturday for 2- 2 1/2 hours. So we thought that her working a part-time job would be a piece of cake compared to the crew schedule. She did crew all last year and her grades didn't suffer at all. If they did then we would have pulled her out.
My daughter is a very expensive child. She always WANTS something and I am tired of just giving her things without getting something in return. Sometimes she just saves her money and never uses it. She ALWAYS goes to me when she wants something new. So I think that she needs to start making her own money because the 'mommy bank' is closing.
I have even told her that when she does start working we are going to open an IRA and I will match her contribution each month. That's an incentive right?
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I like most other teenagers but at the moment, I'm not real fond of mine but that will change.
You said something about the incentive of matching an IRA contribution. If she had any concept of finances and retirement and living expenses, this would be an incentive for her but I doubt if she does. You might try matching money for a car purchase or a trip for her graduation. However, if she likes to spend, I would put this money into a savings account that requires both signatures to get it out.
I agree with the other posters about tying her allowance to chores, etc. I personally don't let my kids work while they are in school. They are allowed summer jobs. During the school year, they are given the opportunity to earn money above the normal allowance by doing extra chores for us or their grandparents. For instance, youngest DD taught my mom how to use e-mail last winter. Grandma paid her minimum wage plus snacks. She paints apts for her other grandparents occassionally on the weekends. These grandparents pay better but painting is harder work than helping with e-mail. These types of things allow her more flexibility with her school work and sports.
Since your DD doesn't play sports or have other extracurricular activities, then I might be more inclined to be okay with the job during the school year. I just know neither one of my kids could handle practice schedule, church, family and school.
Good Luck!
The funny thing is that my daughter is a whiz at accounting. She knows how to allocate her (MY) money for things she wants. So that's why I don't understand how she can understand about money but doesn't want to make her own.
As for a car...grandma already gave her old to her. She doesn't even have her permit or license yet! As for sports well she is in crew. Last year we didn't want her to work because of her class schedule and crew. I'm not sure if you know about crew but it is a all school year sport. She did fall,winter and spring and her grades didn't suffer a bit. This year she was in fall crew but had to quit due to transportation problems. Her practices are everyday and last 2 1/2 hours long. So since she isn't doing crew now and she claims she is bored we figured that a part-time job would be perfect for her. I tell her that working won't be a tough schedule like crew's schedule. But she is still not motivated.
As for IRA's, trust me my daughter understands them as much as a 15 year old can. She is a very smart girl and takes all 11th grade courses. She's only in 10th grade. She is just sooo unmotivated.
Question about chores. I have tried the list on the fridge idea... didn't work. I have tried paying her with allowance....didn't work. I tried 'You can't go anywhere until you do your chores'....this works sometimes other times she just will give up going somewhere cause she doesn't want to do chores. Nothing is a big deal to her.
So what am I to do? In order for her to be a functioning member of the household I have to be right on her heels yelling. That too emotionally tiring!
I'm a lurker, but I just had to pop in on this one...
One of my sons was very unmotivated to find a job. I *needed* him to have a job. I, too am a single mom w/2 boys, and ds#1 was "Mr. Cool" and was a clothes horse. More so than any girl I know!
Anyway, I simply stopped doing for him. I did tell him up front what I was required to do (feed, clothe, and house him) but nothing else. He needed clean underwear, socks? Here's the washer and dryer. I told him how to wash his clothes. Hungry? Here's what we are having for supper. Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted snacks? Sorry, they simply weren't on my grocery list. Too bad. Money for the movies? Sorry, no can do. My money is already allocated to such-and-such. And when they leave their "stuff" strewn all over the house, pick it up and throw it into their room and shut the door. Did you ask her to take out the trash, and she didn't do it? Put the trash bag in the middle of her bed. Does she need lunch money? If your school has it, put her lunch money in an account at school so that she must eat in the cafeteria-absolutely no eating off campus, unless it is at home. If your school doesn't have an account, find out how much the regular lunch tray costs and give her *exactly* that amount.
This will get old faster for you than her, but she is obviously used to waiting you out. Hold Firm! Do Not Give In. Do not yell or nag. Just simply do it. It may seem like it takes forever, but hopefully, if everyone is backing you, she may get better. She is spoiled beyond measure right now, and it will take a lot of will power on your part to unspoil her. (Don't feel badly tho'. I spoiled my 2 beyond belief too. It's way too easy to do when you are a single mom.)
If she's not motivated now, wait until she gets her license and she has no money for gas. That is an amazing motivator! (In fact, that was more a motivator for my son than anything else.)
Good luck!
I feel for you. About a year or so ago my DD pushed me over the line... and boy did she regret it. I did everything I could think of, right down to taking her door off the hinges. Crazy? Yes. But it worked. Ours was a trust thing, but the fix is the same.
State your case to her and stand firm! No job?? No chores?? OK then; no $$. No anything. Pure and simple. And get her Grandmother in on this too, or it won't work. Above all, you have to be patient. She's at that age where she thinks the world is there for her to just stomp around on. If my daughter refused to do her share on a regular basis, she'd have no life. No phone, no view of the outside world expect at school. Believe me, I've been there too.
My DD is now a trustworthy young lady, but I had to get hard on her. All of this will work out, you just stand your ground and know, You are NOT alone!
Best of luck!
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