Frustrated Mom of 16 DD Needs Advice
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:54pm |
Hello All -- I'm new to this board, and am hoping some of you can help me with an issue that's causing me much heartache and frustration. I have three teens (17 year old son, 16 year old "cheerleader" daughter, and 13 year old son). All three are VERY good kids (knock on wood). I'm writing today specifically about my beautiful 16 year old daughter. She has always been my "level-headed" kid, but about a year ago started dating a boy who (I believe) is bad news. He happens to be the "smartest" boy of the junior class (grade-wise), however he treats my daughter very poorly. For some reason she's smitten with him, and lately (I think in an effort to "keep" him) she's started doing things that are very out-of-the-ordinary for her. About 2 months ago (while at her father's house for a weekend visitation) she snuck out of the house at 1:00 am and walked approximately 2 miles down a deserted country road to her boyfriends house (the loser didn't even meet her halfway or even wait outside for her even though he knew she was coming!). She then snuck into the boyfriend's house (while his parents were asleep) and stayed there until about 5 am. She then walked all the way back to her father's house. A neighbor saw her leave and return and notified me (via email) about the situation, and I then confronted my daughter who denied doing it for about 45 minutes and then finally admitted the truth. She tried to say that the neighbor must have seen someone else, but when I told DD that I would check her cell phone records to see if any calls were made to her boyfriend during the hours of 1 am and 5 am, and that if I found out she was lying her punishment would be MUCH worse than if she just told me the truth now, she finally caved and admitted to sneaking out. I was quite appalled that she had been lying to my face for so long (and almost had me convinced that the neighbor did indeed see someone else) but I praised her for finally admitting the truth. I explained to her that she would still need to be punished for what she did, which she understood. Her father (my ex) and I decided that a 2 month grounding was an appropriate punishment, and our hope was that the boyfriend would eventually end the relationship due to not being able to see DD for so long. About a week after the grounding, I caught DD using the computer (one of the things she was grounded from) and trying to cover her tracks by deleting the history. This added another week to her grounding. The following weekend at her father's house, they caught her secretly calling her boyfriend, which then added another two weeks to her grounding. There have been other "transgressions" (all involving the boyfriend) some of which have added a little more time to the grounding and some of which have not. Basically DD is now grounded for the entire summer break. About a week ago, DD was informed that her boyfriend was indeed "hanging out with" another girl which caused DD to (once again) call her boyfriend (in the middle of the night) supposedly to break up with him. She made this call from her cell phone (which I allowed her to have since she was doing some babysitting, and knowing the phone calls would be documented on the phone bill I wrongly assumed she would NOT call the boyfriend) but told me about it (probably because she knew I'd find out when the next cell phone bill arrived), and since she supposedly had broken up with the boy (lots of tears) I didn't punish her any longer, but advised her NOT to call him again or indeed more time would be added to her grounding. Two days later, she once again confessed to calling the boyfriend in the middle of the night (for 2 hours) to "check in on him". At this point, I didn't know what to do any more. I felt that adding time on to her grounding was not working so I switched tactics and put her to work around the house instead. Every day she had to do housework for about an hour. I was furious by this point and she knew it. We've had many "talks" (aka lectures) about integrity, honesty, trust, etc. and during these talks, DD has said that she just feels like giving up "trying" to do the right thing since she just keeps "tripping up". She used the analogy of a hurdler during a race who keeps falling over the hurdles and said she feels like, "why should I even try when I just keep falling"? She says that "most of the time" she does good, but that "every now and then" she messes up. I explained to DD that it only takes a few times of "lying" to lose a parent's trust, that it takes time to re-gain that trust, and that continuing to lie and be deceptive is NOT going to re-gain the trust back. She's frustrated, I'm frustrated. So today, I was looking over last month's cell phone bill and see (once again) at least a dozen calls to the boyfriend's cell phone from her cell phone. I don't know what to do any more.
A couple of notes:
I physically remove her cell phone from her when possible (ie. when she doesn't absolutely need it), so this tactic has been tried but she still calls the boyfriend even when she's given the phone back on occassion for safety reasons.
DD has been given certain priviledges back over the past 2 months in an effort to reinforce positive behavior. In other words, I've allowed her to "visit" with "good kids" from time to time, in an effort to show her that she will hear "yes" when she makes wise choices, but that she will also hear "no" when she makes un-wise choices. Almost every time DD is given back one of these priviledges (computer, cell phone), she blows it by "contacting" the boyfriend somehow. Sometimes I wonder if the "grounding" has been too lax due to so man priviledges being given back so frequently. Also, a 10 day visit to her Grandma in Florida occurred during the grounding since plans were in place prior to the grounding. It makes me wonder if adding more time to the grounding isn't working because it's almost like not even being grounded...
About 2 weeks ago I took DD into the OBGyn (for the first time) due to a slight discharge she claimed to be having. I spoke with the doctor afterwards who confirmed that DD's "virginity is still in tact". Thank God.
About 2 days ago, a friend informed DD that "word" is now that the boyfriend has slept with the girl he's been "hanging out" with, which again caused more tears for DD.
DD is (at this time) very depressed (quiet and withdrawn) due to the break-up with the boyfriend, so I'm hesitant to put any more "punishment" on her right now. I'm already sensing that she's very confused and frustrated, and I feel that (even though she made more phone calls to the boyfriend on this month's cell phone bill) adding more punishment (even in the form of another "talk") might just push her over the edge right now.
Help!
Edited 6/30/2006 1:47 pm ET by yarnaholic1963

I wish I had some answers for you but I'm not sure I do. After reading the post, it seems that all the violations of the rules your DD has made have to do w/ the BF, so I'm not sure that adding more punishments is going to work.
I do think that some punishment was needed for sneaking out. I know I could never keep it up to have my DD grounded for 2 mos. I think that one thing some parents do is make a punishment so harsh that they can't keep it up. My DH will be like that--when his DD does something wrong, he takes a fit and yells, and it's like, I'll take away your computer, cell phone, etc, etc. forever (I'm exaggerating), then he never follows through so she knows he doesn't mean it. If I grounded my DD it might be for 1 or 2 weeks, but I know I would have to live up to it no matter how much she whined. The only time I have ever grounded her was when she was in 8th grade. It was for taking something of mine (to give to a teacher, no less) and lying about it. I grounded her for a weekend and it was probably more miserable for me than for her.
What it seems like is, the more effort you make to keep her away from the BF, the more she is trying to keep in contact w/ him. Maybe the relationship would have died out by the end of the summer anyway, either because he isn't nice to her (you didn't give any examples of what you mean by that) or because one of them found someone else.
Liz
Hi Liz and thank you so much for taking the time to post a response to my plea.
It's true that pretty much every transgression has been boyfriend-related in one way or another. I'm wondering if I should address the issue of the additional phone calls, but tell her that now that she's broken up with the boyfriend, I won't add additional punishment... so long as she stays broken up with him.... That almost sounds like a bribe though, doesn't it? Still not sure how to address these additional phone calls.
The boyfriend, despite being "book smart" has zero personal skills or at least has not demonstrated any when it comes to my daughter. He demeans her in front of others, says things like, "I'm not wasting my gas to drive all the way over to your house" when she's asked him to come visit her, has stood her up for banquets, insisted she come wash his truck when she (and several other cheerleaders) decorated it with car paint (I completely refused to allow her to do this, however my ex allowed it on his weekend with her -- AUGH!), made her pay for a portion of his cell phone bill since so many of the calls were from her (since he rarely if ever calls her), etc. etc. Basically, in my opinion, he treats her with zero respect and you could see it in the way she carried herself. Basically, it seemed like a very one-sided relationship to me.
Another concern of mine is that they will pick up where they left off next fall when school starts again (which is only about 6 weeks away for us).
Also regarding the length of the grounding... I too was unsure about the length of it, however considering the circumstances (not only did she sneak out, it was dangerous, PLUS she lied about it) I felt 2 months was about right.
Augh! Still confused and frustrated but appreciating any advice at all!
Edited 6/30/2006 4:23 pm ET by yarnaholic1963
It is so stressful to have an issue with a teen that just seems to go on and on . . .
Just a couple of thoughts. She needs to know that what she did was stupid and dangerous, and that lying about it is a BIG deal. If the consequences are not working, for whatever reason, however, then perhaps it is right to change tactics. The phone calls themselves are not dangerous and it doesn't sound like she is planning more dangerous outings. It also sounds like she is initiating all the calls, not the ex-BF. At some point she'll figure out that this makes her look like she is grovelling and desperate, while he probably likes the attention. Will she be receptive at all if you talk to her about this? Also, at some point, she'll also figure out that it's exhausting to be on the phone in the middle of the night. So, if it was me, I'd find a way to save face as a parent but let her have the phone back. I would limit her freedom with social activities since she doesn't have your trust. Let her know, though, she can regain it.
Can you get her busy so she needs to get up or at least doesn't have time to dwell on the BF and call him? She's probably all mixed up right now. Let her know you are confident that she won't keep hitting those hurdles, but sometimes it's hard to be 16 and she needs to make the effort.
It sounds like you have spent a lot of parental energy on this - too bad your DD doesn't appreciate it now! Hang in there.
It sounds to me like you are aiming more to break up the relationship than punish her. She probably sees that too!
I would worry she is going to blame you for this breakup. Shes 16; her mind is unlikely to go to "its his fault; he wouldnt wait for me"
She is going to see that he read the handwriting YOU wrote on the wall.
I honestly didnt see anything he has done that would justify that. IF he was hitting her or buying her drugs it would be one thing but none of the incidents you have mentionned would concern me a whole lot
I have sons and, while I wouldnt approve of a GF in my house all might-PERIOD, I would see my son leaving the house to meet her halfway as worse TO ME. He would be breaking yet another rule of my household and encouraging her(as opposed to simply going along which is also wrong but strikes me as a lesser offense)
Also wouldnt have a problem with my son expecting someone who painted his car to wash it!
I understand it was a prank but the girls did choose to do something wrong; no reason they shouldnt pay the piper. (it was very likely all in good fun on his part too-you guys better come over here and wash it now-no reason to think they were joking and he was dead serious here)
Anyway, if it were me, I would back off. I would talk to her about my concerns, tell her I had decided that time served was sufficient punishment and that I realized that I had been SO upset over her over the top behavior, I had gone overboard with the two month grounding(you could stress the danger of being alone at night, etc and take the focus off the BF)
Id then give her my new expectations and the consequences for breaking them. Dont know what those would be
But I think there are times we dig ourselves holes as parents and the only way out is to fess up to a mistake and move forward. Ive done so a few times and not regretted it. OTOH I HAVE regretted sticking to an ill advised punishment rather than lose face(not to mention the over the top punishments didnt work either)
Hi Kdahliaa and thanks so much for your supportive words and kind suggestions. To say that the past couple of months have been stressful is hitting the nail on the head!
It's funny that you should mention the danger of the "sneaking out" stunt, because my daughter is petrified of going outside after dark (even to feed the dogs in the backyard). She hates bugs and night critters, so I was amazed when I found out that she ventured as far as she did in the middle of the night all by herself. Not only that, but she lost cell phone service about a minute after she left, so she wasn't even able to talk to someone on the phone while she was walking. God forbid someone would have tried to abduct her! I'm pretty sure the "walk" alone was nearly punishment enough ;-)
Unfortunately, she seems to do pretty well on very little night-time sleep and catches cat naps here and there when she can, so midnight (two hour long) phone conversations are not that difficult for her. She also has a baby-sitting job Mondays thru Fridays (right next door) from 7 am 'till about 4:30 pm, so between that and the miscellaneous tasks I have been giving her around here, she's staying somewhat busy. One good thing about her being grounded from everything is that she decided she wanted to try sewing, so she and I have spent several nights hunkered down around the sewing machine while she churns out some adorable items. I actually have a personal knitting blog where I blogged about this (complete with pics) at www.DancesWithYarn.com.
Since I first posted this morning, I decided how I wanted to handle the additional phone calls. When DD came home from babysitting today, I sat her down and told her I'd printed out this month's cell phone bill and that there were (as I was sure she aware) more phone calls to the boyfriend that would need to be addressed. I then asked her however if she was definitely broken up with the boyfriend and she said, "Oh yes, we are DEFINITELY broken up" and seemed quite convincing. Considering (as Liz said in her post) that the problem seemed to mostly center around the boyfriend, and now that the boyfriend seems to be out of the picture, I decided to tell DD that I would not add more time to her punishment so long as she was broken up with the boyfriend, but that if she and the boyfriend decided to get back together, additional punishment would be received. I told her that (while she still had to complete the remainder of her "sentence" for her previous "crimes") that I considered (now that the boyfriend is gone) this to be a clean slate for her and that she was being given a huge break for not being punished for being deceptive once again. Considering the fact that she was feeling so discouraged and ready to give up, I felt that hearing the words "clean slate" might make things seem somewhat better for her. I also told her that since she is broken up with the boyfriend and since she pretty much gets to "visit" with "good kids" even during her grounding, she shouldn't have too difficult of a time fulfilling the remainder of her grounding but that under no circumstance is she to call the boyfriend or the punishment would be twice as "severe" if and when I should find out -- something like deferred ajudication... or maybe even bribery... but if it works, then that's okay with me!
I do have a bit of a concern that we could run into the same or similar circumstances at some point in the future (with another boy), since I'm lessening the punishment now that she's truly broken up with the boyfriend, but I'm hoping that (since she normally has such a good head on her shoulders) this is an isolated incident that just seemed to multiply. I guess time will tell on this...
Again, thanks to all who can offer tips on this matter.
I don't really have any tips or advice for you.... just my own story.
My parents constantly grounded me for 2 to 3 months at a time. I only got worse. It turned into such a nightmare that's it's seriously hard to even write about.
I hope you take care into giving out even more punishment.... especially if you're just going to punish her more for getting back together with him.
JMO....
zz
I know you are frustrated enough already and this appears to be very difficult for you but here is some food for thought for a second.
Firstly, "Good" kids DO have boyfriends and girlfriends too -- I sense from your post that you don't want her having a boyfriend at all. I have my doubts with these relationships but I don't think banning my kids from having any is realistic or healthy.
Sometimes we parents get so obsessed with protecting our kids from other kids that we forget that we raised them and as such they should be able to make good decisions. From what you posted it seems like he is a smart kid, maybe a bit immature, but not the worst your daughter could do. And if he really was being rude to your dd, if you had left it alone it would have ended on its own. Statistically teen relationships do NOT last more than a few months. So I think the best recourse would be to watch it, but not panic. The best way to push two people together is make it forbidden -- it adds to the excitement.
I just want to add my story to the board to give you a bit of "pause". My soon-to-be ex-husband was my first and one and only boyfriend. At the time we met my parents were adamant that he wasn't good enough for me. But I was a 17 yo, in love for the first time and flattered that this very handsome, popular guy had chosen ME. My parents got a little bit nuts with the whole thing to the point where it became "us against the world". At one point about 3 years into our relationship we broke up for a bit but I didn't want to hear my parents do the "I told you so" thing so I worked by butt off to keep him. Eventually we married. We had two kids and that's the one thing I cannot regret about our marriage but the rest of it has been one nightmare after another. And the nightmares were all about HIM and his inability to keep a job, manage money, or keep it in his pants....
All I'm saying is my parents determination to keep us apart pushed us together. And I was that "good" kid too. Maybe if my parents had eased off a bit and were less determined to lecture me at every minute about what a bad choice I had made I would have been more comfortable with breaking it off when it was time. Don't make it hard for your daughter to change her mind....
Well - not sure if I can be of help because I am still struggling with my dd who is now 18. (See "Am I wrong" post). My dd is beautiful, a cheerleader, athlete, etc. Was always a good kid. But something happens in high school - I think it is a lot of peer pressure, a lot of 'mean girls' - which happened in my dd's case, that can absolutely destroy a teen's self esteem and they end of thinking - ' this is the best I can do,' or 'this is what I deserve' - I do not know exactly. But the problem is much bigger today than when we were kids I think. Here are just a few thoughts and things I have learned along the way - and am still learning.
1) do not give up on her and show her love and praise every opportunity you have.
2) Set punishments that fit the crime AND STICK to them
3) getting her involved in other activities like the sewing is good I think
4) talks on values, morals etc, I think are good. Even if they roll their eyes and pretend not to listen - they hear you. It is not all in vain. In these talks - find the opportunity to mention how you believe in her and know she is capable of making good decisions
5) Define 'good kids.' You might be surprised to learn that those that appear to be the 'good kids' are not so good. They are, however, very good at fooling adults. But I totally understand the desire to keep her away from bad influences - especially during these tough years - and one is a product of one's environment.
6) Try to remember you are the parent, and cannot always be the 'best friend.' I think we as parents often try so hard to make our children 'like' us we forget about our role as parent. Wrap up your heart, cry if you need to, but stay the course.
7) Take note that forcing her to 'stay broken up' with the boyfriend - may have just the opposite effect. Unless he is putting her in danger - I would tread lightly here. My daugther is dating someone now that is nice to her - although I think he is possessive, jealous and smothering - and she herself has said so too. And frankly - I do not think he is good enough for her (which my friends and family - except dh - feel the same). But I find when I do anything to keep them apart - she runs harder and faster to him. I just keep hoping she will see what I see one day and am hoping that going away to college will fix that.
Good luck to you.