Frustration Sets In AGAIN
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| Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:19pm |
So DS18 is back on the downslide again. He started his job in October at the video store - not making a lot of money but seemed to enjoy it okay. I could see such a big, positive change in him. Met new people, money in his pocket - life seemed good. I wasnt charging him rent so he could save some money. Then before Christmas he's suddenly not liking to work anymore - kept calling in sick, didnt want to go in, sometimes wouldnt even show up at work at all. I'm surprised he hasnt been fired.
This week he was supposed to work Mon to Wed but switched shifts so his co-worker could have this weekend off. Well, DS showed up late for work Friday night, called in sick last night and now isnt going in tonite - saying he's sick again (he's still sleeping) and its 5 in the afternoon! He normally works 5 to midnight, then stays up all night and sleeps all day.
I am so frustrated with him! He shows absolutely NO work ethic at all and doesnt care if he gets fired - says other places pay more and he doesnt like his job there now. I told him awhile back to find another job before he quit but looks like he's just going to get himself fired instead. I told him he has car insurance to pay and a cellphone bill - all I get is "I KNOW"! I also mentioned that when he looks for another job, he has NO reference. Of course he doesnt care.
We leave on a family holiday to Mexico in 10 days and it makes me so mad that now this is hanging over our heads. My husband and I are hard workers, my daughter is like us, I dont understand how he is the way he is! I know its not the greatest job in the world but it was better than nothing. What irks me the most is his lack of work ethic and consideration for everyone else. At Christmas time, he really wanted a Nintendo Wii and they got one system in. His boss wanted it but knowing that DS wanted it more, let him have it. I even paid for it as a Christmas present for him and this is how he shows his appreciation to me and his boss. Brother!
I know he's not drinking or doing drugs. Its always been his M.O. to quit a job after a month or two - this is his longest believe it or not. I dont know what has to happen to see a commitment of some sort in this kid. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait for him to find another job like he says he's going to or watch him fall flat on his face when it comes time to pay cellphone and car insurance - he's not getting a penny out of me. We paid a lot for this vacation and makes me mad that he's once again unemployed - its going to be hard to enjoy it when I'm so darn angry at the kid. DH doesnt know yet and will be livid! SIGH!

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What bad timing for him to be messing up again like this. Sorry.
My son started missing days the very FIRST week at one job that he was eventually fired from. It wasn't until he actually started going occasionally hungry that he started getting serious. Maybe he thought all along that food just fell from the sky onto his plate.... But eventually the distance to his last job proved to be too much, but at least by that point he was trying alot harder.
Didn't you say before that your son had a place to live with a friend? I wouldn't do anything before the vacation (that would really make it stressful), but after you get back maybe you should start nudging him towards the door again.
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That's gotta be frustrating. I'd give him a date by which he needs to move out, or start paying you rent if he's not going to school at all. He may not intend to take advantage of you, but he is. We just make it too easy for our kids sometimes.
I'm afraid I'll be going through the same thing with DS17 this summer. Right now he refs indoor soccer, and in spring he'll be playing travel soccer through mid-June, making it tough to find time for work. But I've already warned him, when he quit his grocery store job in November, that he'll have to get out and apply for jobs in March so that he has something when the indoor reffing is over. And before he quit the grocery store job, I told him that he'd be competing with all the college kids when he's applying in spring. He'll be off to college in fall, but knows that he needs to save to have some spending money, or else get a part-time job. But the first semester is always an adjustment and I'd rather he not work then.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
He was half-living at a friend's house but his friend's mom soon tired of that and he was back home under our rules. Like I said, he'd been doing SO well these past four months - I just dont know what needs to have happen for him to grow up and show some responsibility. I honestly dont do much for the kid. He doesnt eat a lot (mostly buys junk), does his own clothes (when he gets around to THAT) and his own toiletries and clothes. We basically just provide a roof over his head. I really wish he would go back to school, get his diploma and then move on to post-secondary.
I guess once he runs out of money now for all his stuff he'll have to move his ars to get another job. Just bad timing with the vacation and all.
How incredibly frustrating!
These two must be clones or something! He wants to be a bartender too - brother!!
Nope, no solution yet but I went downstairs this morning to talk to him (he'd been playing WII all night of course) and he said he called work yesterday and he's NOT fired. He's supposed to work today at 5 pm so we'll see if he gets his ars there. DH was definitely livid when he found out the kid wasnt showing up for work. I had to beg him not to cause any friction because of our upcoming holiday. I dont want there to be any fighting or discontent. Kid has a $500 car insurance payment 1st of Feb as well as a $40 cellphone bill. He said he only has $200 in the bank right now and maybe another 200 coming to him this week. Of course now he's a little concerned about where the other money will come from to pay these bills and he wont have any spending money in Mexico. I told him that if he worked these past 2 weeks like he was supposed to then there wouldnt be a problem. At least he was doing his laundry this morning. He too leaves the house a mess and never helps out without a bunch of nagging.
I dont know what to do with him. DH says kick his ars out or make him start paying rent. He's probably right on the rent part but the way I look at it is if I make him pay rent, then I will hear all sorts of demands like "I'm paying rent so you should be buying this and that". Then if he does pay me rent, he'll probably be short paycheque to paycheque and I'll still be loaning him money. Right now he's just happy to have food in the house and never complains about that. I keep hoping the kid will "find his way" at some point. When I think back to when I was his age, I did finish high school however floundered quite a bit after that, went from job to job for about 2 years before I went back to college. When I first met DH he was a drop out and at DS's age was on welfare for awhile, actually lived in the bush after he got cut off welfare and then in my parent's camping trailer because he had nowhere to go. This went on for about a year. SO...when he really gets on a rant about DS I remind him of this and he shuts up.
I sometimes wonder if maybe DS has depression issues but when I bring it up, he denies it. I honestly think he's just lazy and expects everything to be handed to him - doesnt like to work for anything. Oh well - we'll see what happens tonite if he shows up for work. Once we're back from Mexico, things will have to change. Keep me posted on YOUR situation as well.
I just think some people mature later than others. My DH's nephew is 23 I think. He dropped out of h.s. and is just now talking about getting his GED. His father offered to buy him a used car if he would only get his driver's license and he didn't even do that. He still doesn't have it. As the parent of teens who couldn't wait to get their license, I have a hard time understanding that one. His grandfather offered to pay for him to go to broadcasting school and he never went to the interview. Last year, he was supposed to be going to some mechanic school out of state and who knows what happened. He probably blew it off. My DH tried to train him in refinishing floors, but he would go and pick him up for work and he wouldn't be ready, so he had enough of that. Now we saw him this year at Christmas and he finally seemed to be wanting to do something for the future, like get his GED and his license. His parents did stop supporting him. They are divorced and his mother finally had to kick him out of the house cause he was just so lazy and unmotivated. A hard decision to make, I'm sure.
Aside from paying his own bills, I would also insist that if he is still going to be living w/ you, he will have to obey certain rules, such as doing chores, etc. w/o being nagged and that if he doesn't do that, he will have to move out. I certainly can't see having a child over 18 living at home and still having to supervise everything he does. Our responsibility does end at a certain point. My DH & I have talked about when will the kids leave home and he gets very nervous when he sees all these articles about kids coming home to live after college (the oldest one has applied and we assume the other ones will go too), but housing is very expensive in the Northeast. We do agree that if they want to be permitted to live at home when they are adults, they will certainly have to follow our rules and not make life harder for us. As my DD, who is going to be 18 soon, said "when I'm 18, I can do whatever I want." I said, "NO, you can do whatever you want when you move out and support yourself."
I have to tell you that I had a friend (I actually haven't seen her for a couple of years now) who I met when she was a student and I was teaching night courses for people to become paralegals. It got to be kind of a joke to me that every time I saw her, she had a new job, and she was in her 40's. She never got a job as a paralegal, although she was very smart. She had her degree as a teacher, so one month she would be excited about going back to teaching, the next time I saw her, she was down on that because she was single and thought she couldn't meet other adults that way. One time, she would be working in a coffee shop and thought that was great, then the next time, it was something else. I think the longest time she had a job was working in one of those private tutoring centers, which lasted about a year. Of course, she never got benefits or accrued anything toward retirement. At least she was able to support herself, have a place to live and a car. I do think she had some psychological problems, though. Hopefully, your son just needs more time to mature.
I'm responding to you as well as to some of the people who answered your post. I'm not trying to pick on you specifically, but I'm responding to what seems to have become an American phenomenon. This, as you'll be able to tell, is an issue that really burns me up. Here goes:
One of the Golden Rules of Parenting is called "The Law of Natural Consequences."
This child is "of age." Quit picking up his pieces and he'll have to pick them up for himself. He has a job? That's HIS job. He has car insurance? That's HIS insurance.
You can DECIDE whether to help him out or not. You have a house? That's YOUR house. You buy food? That's YOUR food. You get to choose whether you'll hold him accountable to pay for the shelter/food that adults (your son included) need to survive.
In "days of yore," children began working at an earlier age to help the family out. That concept seems to have been totally lost. Not only that, but nowdays, parents are busting their backsides to finance the video game habits of lazy young ADULTS or to carry the load while their young ADULTS pursue "cool" dream jobs of serving alcohol to girls with lots of cleavage. ONLY IN AMERICA!
Everybody needs to grow up.
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