Frustration Sets In AGAIN

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Frustration Sets In AGAIN
22
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:19pm

So DS18 is back on the downslide again. He started his job in October at the video store - not making a lot of money but seemed to enjoy it okay. I could see such a big, positive change in him. Met new people, money in his pocket - life seemed good. I wasnt charging him rent so he could save some money. Then before Christmas he's suddenly not liking to work anymore - kept calling in sick, didnt want to go in, sometimes wouldnt even show up at work at all. I'm surprised he hasnt been fired.

This week he was supposed to work Mon to Wed but switched shifts so his co-worker could have this weekend off. Well, DS showed up late for work Friday night, called in sick last night and now isnt going in tonite - saying he's sick again (he's still sleeping) and its 5 in the afternoon! He normally works 5 to midnight, then stays up all night and sleeps all day.

I am so frustrated with him! He shows absolutely NO work ethic at all and doesnt care if he gets fired - says other places pay more and he doesnt like his job there now. I told him awhile back to find another job before he quit but looks like he's just going to get himself fired instead. I told him he has car insurance to pay and a cellphone bill - all I get is "I KNOW"! I also mentioned that when he looks for another job, he has NO reference. Of course he doesnt care.

We leave on a family holiday to Mexico in 10 days and it makes me so mad that now this is hanging over our heads. My husband and I are hard workers, my daughter is like us, I dont understand how he is the way he is! I know its not the greatest job in the world but it was better than nothing. What irks me the most is his lack of work ethic and consideration for everyone else. At Christmas time, he really wanted a Nintendo Wii and they got one system in. His boss wanted it but knowing that DS wanted it more, let him have it. I even paid for it as a Christmas present for him and this is how he shows his appreciation to me and his boss. Brother!

I know he's not drinking or doing drugs. Its always been his M.O. to quit a job after a month or two - this is his longest believe it or not. I dont know what has to happen to see a commitment of some sort in this kid. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait for him to find another job like he says he's going to or watch him fall flat on his face when it comes time to pay cellphone and car insurance - he's not getting a penny out of me. We paid a lot for this vacation and makes me mad that he's once again unemployed - its going to be hard to enjoy it when I'm so darn angry at the kid. DH doesnt know yet and will be livid! SIGH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 8:51pm

It was timely reading your message. My 18 yo DS mocked me today for all the parenting/self help/helping underachievers books I have bought over the years. So I pitched them all in the trash. It does make you feel like a lousy parent to be made fun of for your efforts at helping them. You aren't a bad parent at all, just a bit abused.

Don't let this ruin your vacation if you can help it. They need our love the most when they are the most unlovable, but that doesn't mean you have to take alot of......

I wish mentors were more available to our boys this age. I was adrift at this age also, and it makes one angry to not know what you want to do.... but then a mentor turned my life around. Funny, but the mentor was giving the same guidance/advice my parents were, but at that age you take it from a stranger better than your parents. I met the mentor through the hospital I worked at, and they loaned me the money to attend nursing school....paid them back too. What is your son good at/ what's his passion/is there a family friend who'll take him under his wings......,maybe even a "volunteer" internship at some business/trade he's interested in.

I work with a physician who is very successful now. Said at 17 he barely finished h.s., was angry at the world, especially his parents. Joined the military, loved it, and it changed his life. Went on the med school after his military stint. All of a sudden he was "motivated".... I'm not wild about the military, especially under GWB, but just giving you an example. Lot's of us are late bloomers.....

I'm rambling, but wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I had to acknowledge how much of it was my disappointment in him. It's hard listening to all your friends bragging about their kids in college and their kids successes when you know yours has potential there.

Go have a terrific vacation ....Try to deal with this when you come back
lg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 10:10pm
Nice post, lg. Good reminder that there's always hope and we should never give up on our kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 10:42pm

My son, a troubled teen, has mocked me many times. I hope you got the books back out of the trash. Don't let him intimidate you, please.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:39pm

Yes, you make some good points... but what would you do? Throw him out? Not share the food if he's not helping to pay for it? Take away the car so that working would be more difficult?

<<>>

Ok.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:42am

I'd set up clear, fair and measurable boundaries for his responsibilities and progress. If he met the conditions, he could stay. If he didn't, he'd have to figure out the next step. So I guess that DOES mean that "yes, I'd kick him out if necessary." Just as when they are toddlers, we teach our young adults through our actions. We have to guard against our children's disbelief in our follow-through. If we've only ranted without any action attached, why should they believe us this time?

In the interim, I wouldn't indulge him with game systems, vacations or any other inessential entertainment. That doesn't provide any incentive for him to take responsibility for himself and his own pleasures. I would, however, be the absolute biggest cheerleader of his successes --- and his attempts at success.

Being a parent is hard. Holding the boundaries is hard. Yet only by doing "the hard stuff" are you providing your child with the lessons he needs and being the best parent possible. THAT is the loving thing to do, no matter how unloving your child thinks it is. Yes, a certain amount of grace is necessary --- but there is a difference between grace and being walked on. From your continued frustration, it sounds like you might have reached that point. When we can truly "do the hard stuff," that means we have grown up --- and this applies to kids as well as to parents.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:05am

Well, I'm not the OP, but watching my kid sometimes go hungry and without a regular shelter (he spent at least one night in the park) is not so easy as it may sound to some.

Just curious, how old are your kids? Ever had to kick one out of the house when they had no where to go?

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:41am

No, I'm happy to say that I've never had to kick one of my children out of the house. However, I've had my fair share of setting limits and holding the line on boundaries, no matter how difficult. One of those included a child being grounded for 2 months during the summer --- no TV, computer or phone. It wasn't easy, but it made the point. After about the first week, we still had a great relationship; but a new respect for boundaries was gained.

In response to your question, I have two high-schoolers, a son who is 17 and a daughter who is 14. My son has held a part-time job at Best Buy for 15 months while staying on the honor roll. My daughter is active in school and as long as finals go well, she expects a B average. All those things are THEIR accomplishments/failures. Not mine. My job is to be the parent and give them the benefit of my experience while setting up reasonable expectations for their behavior. If we all respect each other, everybody wins.

You deserve to be respected. You deserve a life free of all this stress. Because you're frustrated with this, I know you want to be a good parent. And you want your child to be successful. Sometimes the lines get muddied because we don't set up the parameters clearly enough. All I'm saying is that if we DEFINE and FOLLOW THROUGH, everybody's happier in the long run. Your child will learn to facilitate his own life --- and you'll get yours back with a little less frustration. I'm not a "perfect parent" and I didn't "invent" this out of some idealistic picture or scenario. Pick up any parenting book, watch any Nanny 911/Super Nanny show or whatever else is out there addressing parent/child interaction. It always comes down to the same formula. It's the APPLICATION that's the tough (and constant) part.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:05am

I think some late bloomers have low and simple needs in life and we-as a more, more, more society-have difficulty with that!

My brother definitely fit this category and luckily married someone who does as well. I have spent much of my adult life defending their lifestyle to my 'more, more' DH but, ya know what, they are far more happy than DH is!

Brother runs his own business, only working enough to pay the bills. By his own admission, he has never worked more than PT. They have a tiny home and the same furniture they've always had-still use his childhood bedroom suite, actually

Clothing bought second had. Never had more than one car and it starts old and is driven until its dead

Did not have health insurance until their mid 40s

Yet, they have remained married for over 30 years)first marriage for both)Raised two boys to adulthood.

SIL went back to college in her 40s and I believe is pursuing a MAster now in her 50s. She doesnt work-did retail on occasion when things got tight over the years

My oldest and youngest are a lot like my brother. Simple needs-yes, their computers and video games are important but that cost compared to Abercrombie, prom dates, athletic fees, cell phones? Not even close!

Sometimes motivation comes from wanting more things than the guy next door. In fact, Id say that is true a LOT of the time.

I think we miss the boat with these teens. LIke the poster who talked about the friend who changed jobs all the time and didnt work to what someone else may have seen as her potential? So what, if she is not a drain on society and is a happy soul. No retirement? After her simple lifestyle I hardly expect she is looking to travel through European spas in her 70s!

Maybe theres just no room in our society for people like that anymore and, ya know, I think that's sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:20am

Well, again, I'm not the OP... my own son didn't like the boundaries/rules/expectations and no longer lives with me. He's 17 with his own house (if you can call it that, probably be condemned before too many more years pass). He's usually working but not right now.. and he's definitely learning the consequences of losing a job. Legally in Texas I can't make him move back home. I've just learned of some twists in the law that says that eventually I could have him locked up in juvenile jail until he turns 18 in a couple of months, but that sure doesn't sound like an answer.

I just felt that your first post to the OP was kinda harsh (especially saying she needs to grow up).

Even though I didn't throw my son onto the street, I know exactly where the OP is coming from. I've watched my always thin son become pencil thin. I've seen him in filthy clothing because he didn't have money to do laundry that week. He finally called me day before yesterday because he was too cold and wanted me to come pick him up. I found icicles hanging from his leaking kitchen sink. He's been staying with me through the latter part of the ice storm. It's been really nice. But my point was, watching this is not easy and I wouldn't advise many people to kick their kids out for lack of motivation or other smaller things than assault, heavy drugs, etc. Especially during winter, and I live in the far south!

<<>>

That's great! Unfortunately it isn't the case with all kids, boundaries or not, rules and expectations, or not. My son is an example. He's the first kid in a few generations to not finish high school. He's the first in a couple of generations to not at least attend college a short while. The rest of us all have college degrees. He was made aware of our expectations at a very early age. He chose a different path, of his own free will.

<<< Your child will learn to facilitate his own life --- and you'll get yours back with a little less frustration.>>>

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I haven't heard too many success stories of kids who were thrown out onto the street. Bad things happen to kids like this, even those over the age of 18. And as far as the latter part... It's hard to say whether I'm more or less frustrated. I know I worry much more because he's not here.

And having read the OP's posts for quite awhile, I know she's set up boundaries, rules, expectations and deadlines. Her son has refused to fully cooperate. Again, I don't think throwing a kid into the street is the answer. Some kids simply take longer to mature than others.

<<>>

I've only seen 2 or 3 episodes of Nanny 911, but I'd love to see a show where she tackled troubled teens. That'd be a hoot! And if you know of a parenting book that would help in parenting a legal (or somewhat legal) age teen, I'd like to read that. Honestly.

Thanks for your replies.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:23am
My question exactly! My DH keeps threatening SS with all kinds of things. The latest is that he is taking SS's car off the road and you know what he said? Fine go ahead, then I'll never go to work! And its true!!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't. We've gotten to the point where DH wants to shut off the electricity when I leave for work so SS won't have anything to do all day. I mean really, what do you do?? DH threw him out last summer. They got into a fight (a 3 week long fight) because SS refused to go to his friend's house to get his cell phone he left there. the phone that we were paying for mind you. Simple thing. drive over and get it. He was gone for two weeks. Not really gone tho. there would be evidence that he had been at the house, took a shower, left his dirty laundry, ate food and then left the house unlocked, lights and tvs on. I was pissed. If your thrown out,your out. this isn't a hotel!! Anyway, DH started worrying about him (it was the best two weeks of my life!) and the kid finally called home, from what? HIS BRAND NEW CELL PHONE!#$@#@#E%# that he got at the mall. Needless to say, he never paid the bill ($400.00) and now collection agencies are after him. so much for establishing good credit. I'm rambling, sorry, but it just makes me so angry. I am soooo glad that my two sons are not like this. I'd be totally looney by now!! I guess my point to all of this is that it's easier said than done. No one wants to see their kid living on a park bench no matter how angry they make you. If I can only get DH to get through to this kid somehow, life will be better for all.