Frustration Sets In AGAIN

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Frustration Sets In AGAIN
22
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:19pm

So DS18 is back on the downslide again. He started his job in October at the video store - not making a lot of money but seemed to enjoy it okay. I could see such a big, positive change in him. Met new people, money in his pocket - life seemed good. I wasnt charging him rent so he could save some money. Then before Christmas he's suddenly not liking to work anymore - kept calling in sick, didnt want to go in, sometimes wouldnt even show up at work at all. I'm surprised he hasnt been fired.

This week he was supposed to work Mon to Wed but switched shifts so his co-worker could have this weekend off. Well, DS showed up late for work Friday night, called in sick last night and now isnt going in tonite - saying he's sick again (he's still sleeping) and its 5 in the afternoon! He normally works 5 to midnight, then stays up all night and sleeps all day.

I am so frustrated with him! He shows absolutely NO work ethic at all and doesnt care if he gets fired - says other places pay more and he doesnt like his job there now. I told him awhile back to find another job before he quit but looks like he's just going to get himself fired instead. I told him he has car insurance to pay and a cellphone bill - all I get is "I KNOW"! I also mentioned that when he looks for another job, he has NO reference. Of course he doesnt care.

We leave on a family holiday to Mexico in 10 days and it makes me so mad that now this is hanging over our heads. My husband and I are hard workers, my daughter is like us, I dont understand how he is the way he is! I know its not the greatest job in the world but it was better than nothing. What irks me the most is his lack of work ethic and consideration for everyone else. At Christmas time, he really wanted a Nintendo Wii and they got one system in. His boss wanted it but knowing that DS wanted it more, let him have it. I even paid for it as a Christmas present for him and this is how he shows his appreciation to me and his boss. Brother!

I know he's not drinking or doing drugs. Its always been his M.O. to quit a job after a month or two - this is his longest believe it or not. I dont know what has to happen to see a commitment of some sort in this kid. I guess the only thing I can do now is wait for him to find another job like he says he's going to or watch him fall flat on his face when it comes time to pay cellphone and car insurance - he's not getting a penny out of me. We paid a lot for this vacation and makes me mad that he's once again unemployed - its going to be hard to enjoy it when I'm so darn angry at the kid. DH doesnt know yet and will be livid! SIGH!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:45am

Easier said than done is right! Believe me, I have set TONS of boundaries, rules, etc. but unfortunately with some kids it just doesnt work! I think some just mature faster than others - plain and simple. Like I said before, DH was a high school drop out, definitely floundered for years but now has his own business and is quite successful. DS isnt a bad kid per se (no drinking, drugs, trouble with the law) just needs to find his own direction and as frustrating and stressful as it is on us, we have to learn to accept that. You have NO idea how hard it was last year to watch all the excitement in our small town on graduation day and my DS wasn't one of them. Probably the hardest thing for me so far as a parent.

Also, there is NO way I could ever leave my son behind on vacation and just take our daughter. If he chose not to come with us, that would be a different story. I was thinking this morning that perhaps a week away for him, and all of us for that matter, will do all of us some good. Everyone needs time away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:25am

I'm sorry for your son's troubles and my heart goes out to you. I'm not unfamiliar (well, at least in a voyeuristic way_ with kids who choose that path; my husband has 4 uncles who, despite all the best schools/benefits/boundaries, chose very alternate paths. Even in their 80's, I see the parents struggle with the choices their adult children have made. I agree with your statement that some kids take longer to mature than others. My comments were made at those who facilitate indulgent lifestyles instead of promoting their move toward independence. Psychologists repeatedly tell us that "people change when it becomes too uncomfortable NOT to."

Thank you for clearing up the "OP" issue. Though not new to parenting, I'm new to "posting," so I had no idea what you meant the first time around.

I didn't mean to upset you or the OP with the term "grow up." My apologies. I meant, as I tried to clarify (maybe unsuccessfully), that to grow up means "to do the hard stuff." It sucks to have to be the perceived bad guy --- especially with those you love. But sometimes it's the kindest thing we can do, so we swallow hard and face the music. Again and again and again. When our children learn this, it's an accomplishment.

I've seen about the same number of Nanny shows that you have and I too, would like to see one on teens! I'm sure they couldn't clear issues up in a 60-minute segment! HA!

I'm not sure what you mean by legal/somewhat legal teen, and I'm guessing that the lines blur. One book you might want to check out is "Parenting Your Adult Child: How You Can Help Them Achieve Their Full Potential" by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Another book, helpful at any age, is "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Dr. Townsend has recently released "Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No." It might not be the book for your situation, but I list it because other readers might still benefit from it. Though I haven't read it myself, I've also heard that there's value in a book called, "The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love" by Angelyn Miller.

I'm hoping that your son --- and the one of the OP --- find their ways. Here's a cheer for parents who CARE! That's a huge "leg up." =)

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