Frustration with teen daugther and HW!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Frustration with teen daugther and HW!!
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Wed, 10-26-2005 - 3:32pm
I am so irritated, frustrated, sad, you name the emotion I feel it right now. My 16 yr old DD has been such a frustrating child to deal with when it comes to school work. Every year from grade school on she has just been so difficult. She doesn't care about school at all. She doesn't turn homework in and then fails the tests and quizzes because she didn't do the work. Every year I find myself standing over her, contacting teachers to find out what's due and then making DD do the work to get enough in to at least pass the classes. We have tried every punishment we could think of. We took her out of sports as we felt she wasn't showing us she could handle the responsibility of sports and school. That didn't work. We have grounded her. We have taken away privileges. We have tried everything and NOTHING changes. Help! She is a good kid in every other way. She's a beautiful girl, very responsible about letting us know where she's going, who she's going with, hangs out with good kids, and has a good relationship with us. But school.... ARGH!!! Can anyone offer suggestions on what to do with her? Anyone had a similar situation and can offer some advice? Help! I'm at my wits end!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 4:37pm

I have a 16 y.o. ds who is the same way and always has been. In his case, he says he cares about getting good grades, but he is not able to do the "follow through". We finally got a diagnosis of "mild ADD" while he was in 8th grade, and obtained a Section 504 plan for him, which has been practically useless. I am now fighting to get him tested for learning disabilities, and obtain an IEP plan for him. At this rate, he is danger of dropping out. He has refused medication.

In my son's case, twice he's been kept from being on the basketball time due to his grades (C average is required by the state), so he's been in pain over his failure to perform. Still, it hasn't changed him. He's got, of course, like all kids, a million distractions - computer, cell phone, skateboard, t.v., drums, and most recently, an Ipod. We've tried taking things away, grounding him - it helps, for a short period of time. We still have to be constantly involved in his work - made easier now that teachers post homework and projects on schoolnotes.com and yourhomework.com.

If you've tried everything with your dd, its time to consider that she really CAN'T do it, and consider having her tested.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:58pm

I feel for you as I lived the same thing with my DS, however we didn't take him out of his hockey as the principal advised us to let DS have something he enjoyed in his life. DS didn't like school & had a mild learning disability in grade school. He was last tested in grade 8 and he was at grade average in his ability and the learning disability is apparently no longer an issue. The psychologist told us that he won't finish high school as he was a perfectionist and this would cause him to give up as it took too much work. He also predicted that he would go to university as a mature student.

Well, at 18 he is still in high school but it has been awful. I took him out for a yr as he was not doing his work & skipping school. He went back into an alternative school program - 9 wks of math & social credit. He did an excellent job and got 2 credits. Since then in 2 yrs, he has gotten 4 credits (all gym related) in regular school. The alternative school wanted him back in regular school as he was too bright for their program but while he started the semesters with As, he eventually fails as he stops doing the work & listening in class. He will be applying for a trade program next year at 19. It is our only hope at this time. He just can't keep up his focus even though he is quite smart.

Your DD is 16 and maybe it needs to stop being your problem. At 16, we were told this is his problem & his responsibility. That we needed to give him space. Well we did (most of the time) and he accepts it is his problem. It still breaks my heart as his dream was to be a teacher, he is wonderful with kids but he just doesn't have the maturity to put the hard effort into getting his work done. I'm clinging to the hope that he will go onto university sometime later. Good luck, Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:59pm

I have to agree with dragonfly. My dd showed NO textbook signs of ADD, yet she blissfully daydreamed through class and managed, until she hit sixth grade, to get decent grades. She didn't put forth much effort, but got by. Homework was a battle. It took her two hours to do 20 minutes worth of work. In 7th grade, it started to fall apart. I followed my instincts (against the advice of her teachers who thought she was just happy go lucky and not trying) and had her tested for ADD. Once we put her on Strattera, everything changed. I later learned her frustration level was very high because she really wanted to do the work, but she was overwhelmed.

Best of luck to you.

JT

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 11:31pm

Some people just aren't cut out for academics. That's not saying she's not an intelligent child, its just that either (a) like the others said she has a learning issue or (b) she just isn't finding the courses relevant or interesting to her.

Everyone has one thing in their life that they can excel at and be passionate about. Yeah, for me I was a bit of a mathematician. Other kids are artists, some are writers, some are carpenters -- but there's got to be something she loves and is good at.

Find out what that is and get her excited about something. My sister was a true artistic type -- she'd be getting awards for her writing and artwork and barely passing math. Then she took a computer animation course and she was shocked by how much MATH she had to know!!! It changed her outlook and she worked harder on that skill.

You took her out of sports but maybe that's her calling. Maybe she'd figure out she wanted a career in phys ed and would look into what she needed to do that. Who knows. But I think if a kid is otherwise not having issues and still does not do well at school there's a either a lack of skill (like ADD or dyslexia) or a lack of motivation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:37am

Have you had your DD tested for a learning disability? I have literally had to sit beside my DD while she did her homework from K-10th grade. Shortly after 10th grade, we had her tested for ADD. She was put on medication and she does all her homework completely alone, goes in early (6:30) on her own if tutoring is needed, and makes all A's in a mixture of honors and technical courses. She's a completely different person. Fewer temper tantrums, happy, etc. She forgot to get her prescription refilled a few weeks ago and I was back to sitting beside her while she worked on her senior research paper.

My older brother was extremely gifted. he got bored in school and just refused to do that menial work. He had one teacher convinced he couldn't read in the 8th grade. He would sit at home and read the encyclopedia b/c it was something he was interested in.

I have another friend that realized that traditional classes weren't for her DD. She is now homeschooling her and she's doing fine. This girl is very intelligent but just can't learn in a classroom of 40 kids and 1/2 are misbehaving. She took her ACT last week and made a 26 (she's a junior).

I think the key here is to figuring out exactly what the problem is. Punishing her isn't finding the root cause. I would definitely have her evaluated by a professional - not just the school guidance counselor. I wish you alot of luck and patience b/c this process can be a difficult one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:09am

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OMG! This sounds like my son and I'm started to wonder how long it will take for him to actually STOP doing schoolwork. He has been bored out of his mind in school since 4th grade. He really liked his 4th grade teacher so he didn't mind school then, but now? He's 11 and in 6th grade (middle school) and while he does the work and does it well, there is a whole lot of complaining going on. Everything is 'stupid' or 'boring'; the only thing he likes about school is lunch. "Lunch is cool" and "PE is okay" and I won't repeat the things he has said about some of his teachers!

He was placed in the GATE program a few years ago but the program is sorely lacking. He isn't given more interesting or more challenging work -- just more work. There have been after school programs and he refuses to go to them. Just yesterday I found an invitation addressed to him in his backpack to attend a 5 or 6 week afterschool GATE program on electricity or something like that with the very cool 8th grade science teacher. The deadline to rsvp had already passed!

I have toyed with the idea of homeschooling this kid since 1st grade, but I don't think that's the best scenario either. Hopefully, he'll stick it out through middle school and continue to do well. He sees how happy is sister is in school now so is looking forward to high school ... I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:26am

I had that same problem with DD in middle school. Her principal and I met with each teacher and we devised additional assignments to get her interested. Her English teacher made her submit entries to writing contests - usually prize money attached. She also had her to a project on a book that my grandmother wrote. This meant that she really had to closely read a book written by one of her ancestors. Her science teacher made her do a pretty detailed project on the human heart. DD really enjoyed this project since she wanted to (and is now) study medicine and she had also recently been diagnosed with a heart defect. This project helped her understand her defect and the limitations that it would impose on her life and things she could do to live a healthy and normal life. Her social studies teacher had her do some research on the Indians of our region. This was interesting to DD b/c her great-grandmother was from that tribe. The point is we tried to find projects that were special to DD. She had to do these on top of her regular work. She learned some valuable time management, research and presentation skills. The key was input from me into what she might find interesting or at least a connection to. Only one teacher complained about having to grade it. I informed her that I never asked her to grade this - I simply wanted my DD to enjoy learning and to be challenged at school. The principal backed me on it and insisted that this lady write up a project and submit it to him before the week was out. This was the one with the Indian Tribe. DD went to the local state park built around Indian burial mounds and did the research their with their historian. Part of her project was put on display in the museum and her paper was submitted to an native American publication.

Once she entered high school, this type of thing was no longer necessary as there were honors courses and technology courses and music courses to keep her interested. She received a full scholarship to a very good private college, was accepted into physicians assistant school and is now getting started there. She told me that she feels she is better prepared than alot of her classmates b/c she has always been challenged and isn't overwhelmed by the mere volume of work they are facing.

I guess I'm saying talk to the teachers now and ask him for additional work that he's interested in. He might balk at having to do additional work and I'm not saying he should be overwhelmed but at least give him enough to keep him busy during class and maybe one extra hour a day. Mine always finished her homework in 15 minutes in class and then socialized and got in trouble. She never had homework to do at home until high school. Middle school just didn't challenge her enough and I fully believe that if I hadn't stepped in she wouldn't have been ready for the reality of honors classes in high school.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:23pm

Thank you all for your advice.

To add on to the story, when we took her out of sports last year her grades were even worse. She had nothing to look forward to. My husband was opposed to letting her get back in (she was in cheerleading) but I decided over the summer that she needed to be involved in something that she was good at and would give her a sense of pride. She and I had long talks before she tried out again and before we enrolled her back into expensive tumbling classes. We talked about how she needs to be responsible about what's important... school and she sat there and agreed with me. So she's back in cheer and just excelling in it. She has so much talent and loves it so much.... but she started slacking again in school and we get a grade report with F's. :-( Argh!!!

I think I will get her evaluated to rule out anything medical as I am beginning to think that maybe there is something more. I know that she is kind of inherently lazy but this seems like there might be more to it than that. And now after reading some of what you all wrote, I see similarities... Again..thanks so much for the advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:39pm

Please let us know what you find out. You might want to ask her what her plans are after high school. I know she's young to have definite plans made but she might have a few ideas forming in the back of her head. I don't know that I would follow her response with the typical you need college for that response. I would just try to start get her thinking along those lines. Based on her response, look around and see what colleges close by have good programs for whatever it is and then in a few weeks you might just casually mention you know I heard XYZ college a good program in this or you might look into scholarships for cheerleading and mention that to her. Then a few weeks later mention the grades she will need to get those scholarships. Just sort of slowly work into her head, she needs college, she needs grades, etc.

Good Luck and please let us know what, if anything, the evaluation turns up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:49pm

Math/Science teacher gave DS an extra project last month that he really enjoyed. I had planned on talking to the teacher at conference next month about perhaps giving him more of the same. BUT, DH is strongly opposed to the idea -- he doesn't think it's fair that the bright kids 'get' to do more work and that DS will have plenty of work once he gets to high school, so let him take it easy now. I should mention that DH disliked school intensly. Thankfully, DS is an avid reader and always carries a book in his backpack that he reads (a lot) when his work is finished.

The same teacher is planning on moving DS to 'partner' up with his best friend, who struggles every step of the way in school. While DS is thrilled with the prospect of this new arrangement, I'm concerned that he'll end up playing 'tutor' more than he is allowed to play 'student'.

Honestly, I wouldn't know what to suggest for projects he may be interested in. He enjoys computer games, so probably would enjoy learning to program -- not likely in 6th grade! Archery and fencing are high on the list and in 7th grade, he'll do a HUGE unit on medevial studies and the Renaissance which I'm sure he'll enjoy. He's a drummer but has to wait until next year to participate in band. Oh well, we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Thanks for your thoughts.




Edited 10/27/2005 1:04 pm ET by julesnalpine

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