frustration w/ stepD
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| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:16pm |
The latest issue w/ my 16 yo SD involves her cell phone use (again). She got into a lot of trouble more than a year ago because she used up all the shared minutes by calling people before 9:00 at night and costing us a lot of money. Well, that was resolved and she doesn't do that any more. However, I brought home a printout of the recent phone bill because I wanted my DH to cancel some services that we didn't need. He looked it over and found out she has been on the phone very late at night. I don't even think it dawned on him that since the phone bill is from last month, she was still going to school and talking on the phone late at night on a school night.
Anyway, he told her on Sat. night he didn't want her using the phone after midnight, which I thought was pretty reasonable. As it is, she hasn't put any effort into looking for a job and she sleeps very late every day. We went out to eat last night and my DH asked her why she didn't answer the phone when he called the house around 2:00 p.m. He said he almost left work to come home and see if she was ok. She said she just got up. He asked when she went to bed and she said "I don't know." Now who doesn't have some idea of what time they went to bed? I had gone on line to pay the phone bill and she had been on the phone til 1:30 a.m. the night before. So I guess she paid no attention at all to him telling her not to talk on the phone after midnight. I don't really want to tell on her, but her behavior of telling lies and not caring is really getting to me.
They have a long history which I don't want to go into again of not getting along and this past year it has been much better. I know she got in the habit of lying so as not to get in trouble, but I guess she hasn't thought if you don't do what you're not supposed to do, then you don't have to worry about it. He also asked her about a few people she was calling who lived out of town. She either said she didn't recognize the number or just came up w/ some name. Well, she could say she is calling "Mary" and if we don't know who Mary is, that doesn't mean anything. I don't know why my DH didn't press her on this further, but I am worried that she might be calling people she doesn't know and has met on the internet. She has her permit now and next year, she could have her license. Are we supposed to trust her to go out alone in a car (the 1st 6 mos. she can't drive w/ other kids in the car) if she can't be trusted to tell the truth? What will stop her from going to meet these people? In many ways, she is very immature and I don't know if she would forsee the consequences of her actions.

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I'm sure that you have had the conversation with her about once you lose trust how hard it is to earn it back. With your sdd you will probably have to continue having it for a long time...
Why does she have the cell phone in her possession late at night? When we had this type of problem with dd she did not get to have a phone in her room after a certain time. The cell phone had to go onto the charger in my bedroom when she got home from school or where ever. Any calls that she might need to make should be local. The cordless landline phone had to be in its cradle by X o'clock. Your sdd has shown that she cannot resist the temptation of the cell phone, and on top she is lying about it so it is a reasonable consequence to remove it from her.
As for the driver's license, there is no law that says that parents must allow their kid to get a license at 16, or get a license at all! If you don't trust her to be where she is supposed to be in the car, or to be honest about where she is going or where she has been, or even to generally make good choices while behind the wheel, then don't let her get a license until you DO trust her. I know that it can be convenient for the parents for the kid to drive herself around but you also open yourself to a huge set of worries, and expense (insurance) and potential problems. We made a stipulation that our kids must maintain at least a 3.0 GPA to get their license, so they would qualify for the auto insurance good student discount. Also we didn't have a designated car for them so they would be at dad's mercy to allow them to drive his clunker truck--they were not driving my nice Camry that can go 100 on the freeway! That and the GPA issue postponed the license for awhile!
I know that it seems easy for me to sit here and tell you this stuff since I'm not the one dealing with her, but I have BTDT with my dd. Stay strong, eventually she will grow up!
I don't understand why, if she continually violates the cell phone use rules, why she still has it?
I understand you want to be involved in her life in regards to her development, rules, etc., but at a certain point I really think you have to take a back seat and allow her to hit bottom - with her dad. He needs to see it for himself 'full throttle' how blatantly she disregards every rule you and he set forth. And then HE needs to do something about it.
He isn't doing her any favors by creating rules and then looking the other way when she breaks them.
In regards to usage late at night, why not have her hand in her phone each night so she CAN'T use it? My 16dd used to have to give us her phone when she was home, at bedtime, and before she left for school, unless she was headed somewhere after school and needed to get a hold of us. The one time she used her phone at school it was taken away and I had to make the drive (30 minutes) up there to retrieve it. IOW, stop arguing about which times she can use it or not and simply take it from her when she isn't supposed to be on it. She doesn't need it when she is home because you have a house phone. Isn't the whole idea behind the cell phone for YOUR benefit? Isn't it for emergency use or to contact you when she's out? Or is it just another a toy for her?
I just think that if there is this one 'thing' that is constantly causing grief, remove it and eliminate the problem until she can either be more responsible or pay for it herself.
Most of her behavior is fairly typical - I don't think she is being any more difficult than other kids her age...my dds' are as different as night and day, but for the most part they have put me through a lot of the typical teen stuff. I've learned (slowly and mostly through lack of time) that I need to choose my battles and just say NO, even when they can't understand why. We're those parent who like to discuss things with the kids and use reason, etc., but all of that goes out the window when the teen is bucking against you all the time - you just need to put your foot down or let them crash.
I agree w/ every thing that you & previous poster have said. You guys haven't known of all the troubles we went through w/ her because I wasn't posting on this board at the time. To make a long story short (I hope), she started out skipping school by hiding in the basement, then of course she was failing. Then we found out she had charged up the cell phone bill by hundreds of $$. My DH got so frustrated that he actually hit her once. Well, that was enough for DSD to tell her grandmother who 1) called the Dept. of Social Services who were involved w/ the family for over a year and 2) her grandmother went to court to get guardianship and she ended up living w/ her grandmother for most of the summer (this was last summer). When she was there, my DH didn't let her take her cell phone or computer. After a lot of grief, she came back home last Sept. to start 10th grade and every thing was better between them, they had family counselling, etc.
As far as the cell phones, my DSD really doesn't need one at all. I had originally thought I would wait til my DD turned 16 and started driving to get her one. Then one day my DH in an unusual show of being nice, decided to get both girls cell phones (because since they are one year apart, we try to treat them the same as much as possible). I think my DD must have been 14 and my DSD was 13. It actually was very good for me since at that time my DD was on the track team. They would go to away meets on the bus and you would never know what time they would get back to the school, so this way she could call me when she was on the way home. Before she was having to use her friends' cell phones. Now of course, she is 17 and driving by herself, so I really consider it a necessity for her for safety reasons.
W/ regard to my DSD, I have been accused by other people on other boards of showing favoritism, but the reality is that she doesn't need a cell phone until she gets her license. First, she hardly ever goes out and if she does it's like going to a movie where we can pick her up afterward. She doesn't have a job yet (which is annoying me too) so basically she goes to school (where there are phones) and comes home. To me, the only reason she has a cell phone is to talk late and night and to be able to call people in diff. states since we have nationwide long distance. There is one girl in another state that she talks to every day for hours. She claims that this girl moved away from our town, but I doubt that is true. Like you said, once you don't trust them, everything is suspicious. I have known all my DD's friends since kindergarten or at least I hear her talk about them, so I would know if one of her friends was moving far away since she would be complaining about it before it happened. My DSD never talks to me, so I don't know. At the beginning of last year, we did say that if she couldn't control herself to not go over the minutes we would get her one of those pre-paid phones and she would have to pay for it herself. So she hasn't gone over the minutes.
I guess the thing that really bothers me the most is her sneaking around and lying. It started w/ me when I found her hiding in the basement to skip school and she said she was "sick." Yes, when you're sick you would go down into the cold basement and hide there for 2 hrs. until I go to work instead of staying in bed? So since then, she just claims to be "sick" quite frequently and I never believe her then either. If she were my child, I would make her go to school and wait to see if the nurse sent her home.
I just wish my DH would get on the ball and monitor the phone bill by himself so I wouldn't be put in the middle.
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How about you check the bill, highlight the area you want him to be aware of and put it where he will see it? The bathroom counter if you guys have a master?
Perhaps that would be acceptable middle ground?
I think that now that the 2 girls have been given cell phones it would indeed look like playing favorites if you suddenly took one away based on lack of need-after all, that wasnt why they were given in the first place. That doesnt mean you cant change to the prepaid plan or insist she turn it in at a certain time of night(Ive done both of those with DS2)
I dont have stepkids but my own biological ones are as different as can be. What worked for one simply does not work for another. It sucks because you do something with number 1 and its successful; you get this feeling of "wow, Im a competent parent" and along comes number 2 and blasts that thought clear out of your head
SDD may need more structure. She may need Dh to drive her around town to fill out job applications; she may need one of you to pick up an app for her and sit down and fill it out together so she knows whats expected. Some people need tasks broken down into small chunks so they can get from teh beginning to the end.
And she may REALLY need to talk to those friends. It may be whats keeping her sane-I would be hesitant to take that away
JMHO
>>I just wish my DH would get on the ball and monitor the phone bill by himself so I wouldn't be put in the middle.>>
Okay, so stop putting yourself in the middle. Let DH handle things with his dd from now on. When she cuts school and you know it, let him know, but keep your thoughts or what you consider to be 'solutions' to yourself. When you get the bill for the cell phone, let him take care of it - do not include it in your normal bills if it is excessive.
The thing is that no matter what you say or do, the bottom line is that it's up to DH to handle his dd - it is up to HIM to make the rules and have her abide by them and nothing you say or do is going to matter. You will always be seen as being the hard-a$$. You will always be seen as playing favoritism....your dd is following the rules? Is your dd making her grades, NOT cutting school, etc? My 16d used to always cry the blues and say that we favored dd18; NOT true. DD18 didn't need constant monitoring, dd18 was responsible and kept up her grades, made curfew, etc. OTOH, dd16 was failing her classes and lying left and right. We had to parent them differently because they were two completely different types of kids. What else can you do if one set of rules does not apply to both kids?
"Fair" would be to come up with plans that work for dsd and dd separately....whether or not DH or dsd initially agree - it will save you your sanity in the long run.
Focus on you, H and dd...let H focus on his dd for the time being. It will be awful at first, but eventually, things should even out.
I actually have been letting DH handle his DD, which doesn't seem to be working out well to me, but I generally leave it alone. I actually knew before that she was staying up late at night to talk on the phone. I did mention it to her that if she continued to do it, I would have to tell her father, which I never did. I probably should have. I did tell him last month when the phone bill was $40 over cause of her. There's no way I'm going to be in the situation of letting her cost us money, since we pay our bills jointly. Then when he looked at the bill, that's when he noticed that she was on the phone late. But now it's like he'll forget to check the bill to see if she obeyed what he told her to do, which is not to stay on the phone after midnight, which she hasn't been doing. But thinking about what you are saying, I don't feel like mentioning it. It should be his job to check up on her, not mine. And she convinced him that she didn't know that the text messaging (the cause of the extra $$) wasn't unlimited, so he isn't making her pay, which I would.
My DH tends to overreact to things if he gets mad. Like he will threaten to take away all her priviliges for ever (I'm exaggerating, but not by much). Sometimes I have to step in when that happens and talk to him. ON the other hand, yesterday he was telling me that DSD wanted a flat screen computer monitor and something else and mentioned she might do some extra chores to get it. Now that is something expensive. I think if kids are little and they want something, doing chores would be a good way to get it, but if they are over 16 and want something, well that is the perfect time to say "you want it, you get a job." Doing chores isn't that helpful because that means I still have to pay for it and really if the monitor costs #$100 (I haven't checked, just throwing out that number), how much are we going to pay an hour? If she had a job, she would probably be making only $7.00 an hour, so is she going to do that many chores? I doubt it.
And yes, my 17 yo DD isn't causing any problems. Some other people on another board lit into me for "comparing" the 2 girls, thinking that I am favoing my DD, but I have to look at the reality. My DD is at the top of her class in grades, has consistently had a job since last summer when she was 16 and on top of that joined some activities at school. She can be a pain sometimes, like teens can't drive after midnight, so last night she called me from her friend's house and said they were watching a movie and it wouldn't be over until 12:15 and then she would have to drive home (maybe 10 more mins.) and would that be ok. I said no cause I feel that she had been there a while, they could have started the movie earlier and I'm not going to start getting into reasons why she doesn't have to obey the law. She was mad at me for sticking to the rules, but she came home, got some clothes and decided to sleep over, which I thought ended up being a good solution. The point is, she didn't disobey me by staying out late. She has been a few mins. late on occasion, but there was really only one time she was very late and then we had a talk. I cannot think of any bad things she has done. She doesn't drink, smoke or use drugs and since she doesn't have a boyfriend, I haven't had to worry about sex. She is very social and goes out a lot. Now she doesn't like my DH for various reasons, some of which are justified and he knows it. They have been getting along ok for a while, but I always felt he was unnecessarily hard on her. When she started learning how to drive, he would never let her drive his car and there was no reason for it. It's not like he has a new or expensive car. He drives a Camry and I have a minivan. Sometimes I had to let her borrow my car and then the rest of us would be crammed into the Toyota, which doesn't really make sense. Even now, I'm sure he has never put her on his insurance. Now his DD has her permit and he has let her drive both cars. This makes no sense, but I don't feel like getting into an argument. My DD has been the responsible one, but he treats her worse. When we first found out about the really high cell phone bills, he even said "I assumed it was S (my DD) who was making the calls."
You know, step parenting always comes with it's own special challenges, but blended families, IMO, has got to be the most difficult. Each parent has thier own way of handling situations, from the good ones to the not so good ones. It's human nature to compare not only the parenting methods, but the results, so try not to beat yourself up if those thoughts creep into your head.
It sounds like your H parent's only when he gets annoyed...for instance, a kid can stand there and tap his fingers on the wall and H won't really notice, but after 25 minutes suddenly H notices and over reacts by sending the kid to his room for the whole day. I know this is a pretty simple analogy, but your description of H taking away ALL privileges is what this sounds like. Not until her poor behavior is glaring him in the face does he react, and at that point his reaction is over the top, right? The saddest part is that his dd has probably figured this out, not necesarily on an intellectual level, but at least somewhere in her little manipulative teenage mind she's figured out that she can push it and push it.
Also, the fact that he's harder on your dd is fairly typical for a high performing kid. H knows she can handle it, again, not on an intellectual level, but in his head he knows that she is more than capable of being independent and he can be a little stricter with her because she won't balk about it. *Possibly*, without realizing it, he has not only harmed his relationship with your dd, he has also created a huge gap between the girls which will most likely result in harbored resentment between them, you and H.
It really sounds like you could all use some family counseling. I know, it's hard to get everyone on the same page...the first natural reaction is to grin and bear it and hope it goes away, but your marriage is being compromised by the discrepancies in the ways in which you each parent your daughters. Your sdd is not necessarily the elephant in the room - it is more likely yours and H's inability to get on the same page about how to parent her. Until you are a united parental unit, she will always cause you both a lot of grief, thus causing more damage to your marriage. It's a vicious cycle. Even if you can't all get in as a family, perhaps you and H can go alone, together, then alone - so you each have an opportunity to vent a little, but also learn new techniques that will help you communicate about your parenting.
We're a step family and counseling helped us a great deal. Best of luck!
These are very intelligent words you have written considering what happened today. My DSD was supposed to let her dad borrow a CD player and then she asked if he needed headphones. for some reason, this caused him to blow up and say she should never ask him to do anything for her this week if she couldn't do a simple thing like get him a CD player. He also took away her cell phone and computer after calling her horrible names and swearing at her. When I pointed out that he was over-reacting, he made me stop the car (we were on our way to church!) and he took off by himself, then he called and said he was not going on vacationw/ the family next weekend. This is the kind of behavior we have to put up with and I know it is caused by his mental illness (bipolar) but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. This was a few hours ago and I am hoping he has had time to calm down. He left his cell phone off so I can't get in touch w/ him. It's like he's a baby having a tantrum.
No matter what she did, I can't see that calling your kid names and swearing is a good parenting tool.
This is our only week off this summer, so I hope it blows over. The 2 of them had counselling for their relationship, but I don't see that it did a thing.
Is your H under the care of a physician for his BP? BP crosses over many different types and levels of mood disorders. My sister has it and my 16dd has it...I totally understand about the flipswitch mood changes that can occur. With proper meds and exercise, his moods can be kept under better control - he needs to learn how to read and guage his emotions so his reactions are better tempered. It's too bad he's like this with his dd - it will cause her lasting scars that she will likely carry into her adult relationships with men. In the meantime, her getting some counseling on her own to better understand his disorder so she can put his reactions into proper perspective would be very helpful.
Now that you've added that piece of information, it's no wonder things are so nuts at times. BP is a very serious thing to deal with, it's not easy (as you know) and very unpredictable; really really hard to understand and live with. Incidentally, it does run in families so it's not unlikely that your dsd could have a touch of it herself. Many gentle hugs - I hope your vacation time goes off without any hitches.
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