frustration w/ stepD
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| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:16pm |
The latest issue w/ my 16 yo SD involves her cell phone use (again). She got into a lot of trouble more than a year ago because she used up all the shared minutes by calling people before 9:00 at night and costing us a lot of money. Well, that was resolved and she doesn't do that any more. However, I brought home a printout of the recent phone bill because I wanted my DH to cancel some services that we didn't need. He looked it over and found out she has been on the phone very late at night. I don't even think it dawned on him that since the phone bill is from last month, she was still going to school and talking on the phone late at night on a school night.
Anyway, he told her on Sat. night he didn't want her using the phone after midnight, which I thought was pretty reasonable. As it is, she hasn't put any effort into looking for a job and she sleeps very late every day. We went out to eat last night and my DH asked her why she didn't answer the phone when he called the house around 2:00 p.m. He said he almost left work to come home and see if she was ok. She said she just got up. He asked when she went to bed and she said "I don't know." Now who doesn't have some idea of what time they went to bed? I had gone on line to pay the phone bill and she had been on the phone til 1:30 a.m. the night before. So I guess she paid no attention at all to him telling her not to talk on the phone after midnight. I don't really want to tell on her, but her behavior of telling lies and not caring is really getting to me.
They have a long history which I don't want to go into again of not getting along and this past year it has been much better. I know she got in the habit of lying so as not to get in trouble, but I guess she hasn't thought if you don't do what you're not supposed to do, then you don't have to worry about it. He also asked her about a few people she was calling who lived out of town. She either said she didn't recognize the number or just came up w/ some name. Well, she could say she is calling "Mary" and if we don't know who Mary is, that doesn't mean anything. I don't know why my DH didn't press her on this further, but I am worried that she might be calling people she doesn't know and has met on the internet. She has her permit now and next year, she could have her license. Are we supposed to trust her to go out alone in a car (the 1st 6 mos. she can't drive w/ other kids in the car) if she can't be trusted to tell the truth? What will stop her from going to meet these people? In many ways, she is very immature and I don't know if she would forsee the consequences of her actions.

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Yes my DH has been under the care of medical people as long as I've known him (6yrs). The complicating factors are that his meds were prescribed by a nurse pract. who is going to be a professor and not going to take patients anymore. He had been under counselling too w/ "M" until a couple of years ago when because of distance and heal ins. changing, he switched to "K". He hasn't seen K in a couple of months because he forgot about the last visit and I think she got mad cause it wasn't the first time and she said he had to pay for it so he hasn't gone back. You would think a counsellor would be a little more sympathetic. The nurse advised him to go back to M and she will set him up w/ a new psych at her practice. M called and said to make an appt. through their intake person who would take care of the paperwork, health ins., etc. I know he said he called more than once and they haven't called him back. Again, why aren't people in a mental health place more sensitive to the fact that if they don't follow up or call back, maybe the person could commit suicide or something? I know that at our last big fight, which was about the beginning of the summer, I tried to find a counsellor for myself at the center where K worked. They called my health ins. but then never helped me out w/ making an appt. (I had said I didn't want to see this one person we had seen together for marriage counselling and who do you think they had call me? So when I called back and said I wanted someone else, they never assigned anyone.) It's good I didn't have a serious problem, but then I lost interest and never went.
We also got refills of all his medications yesterday and he mentioned that he hadn't taken his blood pressure medication in a week cause he ran out, so I don't know if he ran out of some of the psych meds too. Of course, I could have gone and picked them up.
His DD was in counselling for a while last winter. This following last summer when she went to live w/ her grandmother cause of his physical and verbal abuse. Then all of a sudden, she decided she was "done" w/ counselling. This therapist never contacted him or me so I don't know whose idea it was to stop. They also had family counselling together for a few months but I don't know if it really helped anything. I guess it did for a time, but from what I overheard (the therapist came to the house) it was mostly him doing the talking.
Well, he did come home, so his threat about not coming home tonight or not coming home for a few days didn't come true. Then he has been upstairs since 8:30 and never talked to me. My 17 yo DD sees this and says "I don't know how you can sit there and not talk to him. It's very unhealthy." I said "you're right, but I don't feel like having a fight right now." I am hoping he just needs some space to calm down. I'll have to see how he is tomorrow, but i wish we were going to work. The last time we had a huge fight, he took off on me, his DD & her friend in a town we had gone to visit (didn't leave us there, just went off by himself) and he ended up spiting himself, cause he never carries money or his ATM, so he had the car but couldn't even park it. Then after not talking for a couple of days, he carries on as if it never happened.
I'm sorry it's so long but since I don't have a therapist right now, I just have to vent and since you deal w/ BP, you will understand.
{{{hugs}}} I hope your next vaca together is better - hopefully he will take his meds as prescribed and be more on an even keel. Are both your girls going with you?
My dd's psychiatrist would not see her or prescribe meds unless she agreed to see a counselor. So, we switched to an APRN under the direction of a pyschiatrist so we could 'kill two birds with one stone" so to speak. It worked in a way because dd was more inclined to at least make chit chat with the APRN and was not interested in seeing a regular counselor each week. However, seeing an APRN, especially for meds, is not the best thing to do. Earlier in the Summer my dd switched to a new med and had a really bad reaction, wound up in the hospital with convulsions - it was awful and took almost 3 weeks to get over the physical side effects after only 5 days of taking the stuff. DD is not on any meds for her BP at this time. We're using diet, exercise and only a small amount of antidepressants to keep her in check - so far, so good. But, I realize it could all turn on a dime.
I think you should try a new counselor again. You need support and direction on how to deal with his moods (whether he's taking his meds or not he still has them) and how to detach from him and offer your girls some direction. The fact that your dd pointed out to you how unhealthy your relationship was speaks volumes, don't you think? She's old enough to recognize that H's treatment of you is not okay and somewhere in her head she's wondering why you allow it or ignore it. That sets a precedence for her as a young woman and she needs to see you take better care of yourself and the girls and by seeing a counselor you can learn ways of dealing and reacting differently. If not for your own sanity, then at least for your dd and sdd. I really benefitted from counseling. It helped me react differently to dd16 and it helped me relate better with my older dd (who harbors a lot of resentment towards dd16, which saddens me) and it helped educate my H in regards to the mental disorders and mood changes, etc., (like being a teen isn't hard enough!) and although H understands things, he had to learn how NOT to react to dd at times. That continues to be an ongoing issue, but he's gotten way better.
Anyway, feel free to vent away - you need to unload this stuff or it will eat you alive.
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