FWB?
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:44am |
Anyone else dealing with "friend with benefits"? DD has a friend, a boy, who's been her friend for a couple of years. She sorta has a crush, but is not sure if he does. So, this year they decided to be FWB. I've asked her what this means and she says they're good friends, they really like to talk to each other, and they make-out. But he's not her boyfriend, and there's a whole drama about whether he'll "ask her out" or if she should ask him out. To me someone who you like to spend time with, IM for hours with, talk on the phone (giggling) for more than a half hour, and like to kiss - this sounds like a boyfriend.
She just rolls her eyes at me.
I guess I had friends in HS who I occaisionally kissed who never became "boyfriend", but this seems to be more than just that - and now actually has a title. What the benefit (no pun intended) of being FWB and not BF/GF?
Sue

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Friends with benefits are intresting things. Sometimes, they act just like boyfriend and girlfriend, and other times, there's a "no strings attatched" rule.
In general, I would say they're not a smart idea. But for some people, it works. Sometimes, the term "friends with benefits" is saying "I'm going to flirt with you, and makeout/have sexual relations with you, but i don't want you to think i want a relationship". It's a term declaring while their actions may say otherwise, the person doesn't want a boy/girlfriend.
I think the most harmless type of FWB is the couple that repeatedly breaks up and gets back together, but during the breaks acts like they're going out and really are, but then when they are going out they get into a fight and "break up" because it's something to do. OR, the people that go to FWB before asking each other out officially.
Yep, who knows.
Thanks to everyone who replied to this post! I didn't get on the board all day, and was amazed to see 12 posts to my original question! You guys are the greatest!!
What everyone said confirmed my own feelings - to a certain extent it's semantics. Saying "boyfriend" feels weighty and they might not be ready for it. And the commitment expected of a BF can be scary at this age, but BTW, they've been 'together' longer than most of the bf/gf pairs in her group, and almost as long as her longest bf last year. The girls seem to have high expectations for BFs and I've tried to say to DD that 14yo boys aren't ready for that sort of tied-down feeling. There is (as Payas said) slightly less tied up in the FWB title - you're allowed to flirt, talk to, IM, etc other boys, but you can't make out with anyone else, and if you get a BF/GF you have to stop being FWB AT the same time, I need to continue to talk to my DD about protecting herself and not compromising what she thinks is important and not being used. My concern is that she *does* like/like this boy, but is afraid to say so, and she'll get hurt down the road. But I know I can't protect her from all hurts - just try to give her the tools to stay safe and recover quickly - and listen to all the rants and raves.
Thanks for the support!!
Sue
Shels, I so agree with you. When did girls decide to follow this horible trend? My DS is 19 and he drives me crazy when dealing with females. He has a serious GF but all these other girls are consistantly calling him, following him & offering him "favours". Most of them are only 16/17. They know he is in a relationship but say they don't care. They are willing to "put out" (dating myself) just to be with him. All this attention the last 2 yrs has turn my DS into a male pig. He doesn't believe in doing "women's work". Interesting as he loved to cook and was responsible for cleaning & doing laundry for years. He still does the work but won't cook anymore. I thought I had raised a son to respect women & to share the household responsibilities. DH was a SAHD for 5 yrs so the role models of equality were there. I'm just hoping he reverts in the future.
Dee
that may be true...
...but FWB can also be a great way for a girl to get the sausage without buying the pig
Oh ... I know. When she was in between marriages, my SIL found herself a f**k buddy (her words) at 38yo or so and the arrangment suited them both just fine. It was easy for her to say good-bye to him when she started a real 'dating' relationship with the man who is now her husband.
I dunno ... guess I'm just an old-fashioned prude -- I just don't think I could enter into a relationship like that. While I know that sex and love don't necessarily go hand-in-hand, I couldn't be physical with someone if that was all it was, KWIM? I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions, rather than my head, tend to call the shots, pretty much and they get all tangled up easily. (My head is in the clouds most of the time anyway.) I don't think I'd be able to just turn it all off.
Anyway! It's nice to see you back again! How are you feeling? I had been thinking about you and wondering where you were just the week before Pam share your sad news with us. I hope you are doing well now. How is your DC doing with her weight issues?
From what my dd has said, FWB seems to be a different arrangement for the older teens. They are just friends and are not interested in being bf/gf for whatever reason, and the benefit is sexual favors which can range from making out to going all the way. There is not supposed to be an emotional attachment beyond friendship and they are free to see other people and everyone is supposed to be "cool" with the arrangement. Without the sex part they are just friends hanging out.
Of course *we* know that when you add sex that it can change things, and some people might enter into the benefits part with a secret desire that the relationship will become more than friends, so there is a lot of potential for hurt. Not to mention the risk of STDs. I'm not sure how they think it is less complicated than a bf/gf relationship, just a different set of complications.
"but FWB can also be a great way for a girl to get the sausage without buying the pig ;)"
ROFL.....I love it!!
Actually though, I shouldn't laugh too hard...I have a dd who has explored the FWB thing. I absolutely HATE it!! I talked to her about intimacy and respect, and let her know that as far as I was concerned, intimacy is sex, and any boy worthy of this from her should respect her enough to want to go out with her!!! I'm afraid that she's using this FWB stuff to get the attention of a boy who otherwise wouldn't pay attention to her. I also told her that I think she's too young for this type of behavior. It's almost like talking to the wall...I think a little sinks in, but generally she just thinks I'm behind the times.
However, I noticed from reading her IM's that she put a stop to the FWB stuff with the only boy she "took up" with. She told him that it just wasn't her thing (thank god!!).
I'm certainly glad to know I'm not the only one dealing with FWB!! Is this the same experimental stuff that's gone on for decades, with just a new name??
Also, I have to say that while I don't so much have a problem with grown-ups having f*** buddies, I think it's different with kids. They don't have the maturity or experience...and this ISN'T how I want my daughter to get the experience!!!
Move over, fellow prude coming through. I couldn't reconcile my faith to having a relationship like the one your SIL had...but more to the point, I don't think my own heart could take it. I'm one who attaches love with sex, and cannot separate the two. IMHO though they should not be separated. I too am disgusted by this FWB stuff that girls (and boys) are falling for. Its not so much about "the cow or the sausage" but having a little respect for yourself. Sheesh.
My (then) 15 yo step daughter explained SWB as friends who had full-on sex for fun.
Maybe the definition changes from location to location.
I became a teenager in 1973 - times were different. I guess I never quite developed the blue-nose attitude that my kids shouldn't be allowed to sin my sins so it doesn't freak me out too badly. We taught our children how to be safe if and what we hope were good rules (practical rules, not necessarily in line with society's moral rules) on with whom. Both teenage daughters are sexually active, both are healthy (we insist on regular gyn exams) and both seem in control of their destinies.
It's scary, if you're a parent who can't have those sorts of discussions with your children (the how and with whom discussion, versus just "don't"). But heck, Romeo and Juliet were 15 and 14 respectively.
ILR
Well if Payasa doesn't really know, then who does? She's in high school, right there witnessing the whole thing.
I agree with everyone who said that the boys are definitely making out (excuse pun) on this deal. What happened to knowing you had someone to do something with on Friday nights, someone to depend on? I guess it's a free for all now.
My DS said no one has a girlfriend among his friends and seriously I only know of one boy who does. And this boy sees his gf only occasionally, not even once a week. They all go out in groups. He said he would never just call some girl and ask her out on a date. "NO one does that anymore Mom!" The girls call him and he calls them and they all go out together.
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