Gave DD a printed list of rules
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:01am |
Hi All,
Recently, I have posted here – 1)"Do you know your child’s myspace password" and 2) "Any info on Outward Bound". Well, in a nutshell, 15yo dd is out of control – as a result of my snooping and checking up on her I know for a fact that she is into drugs, alcohol, sex, cutting, disrespect, lying, sneaking out, telling us she is sleeping at X's, X says she is sleeping at our house and they stay out all night, refusing to let us meet her friends, a boy asked her to Homecoming and we said we wanted to meet him, she refused, said they weren't going anymore, she was going with girlfriends, and I found out that was a lie and they went together anyway, he picked her up at her friends house after her and friends left here, she just refused to let us meet him, the whole nine yards. (I suspect shoplifting, but I have no proof of that) She does get good grades, but I feel she only does that so she can go out and party and run the streets. So, we sat her down Saturday night and gave her a printed list of the rules, some suggestions of some positive behaviors to replace her negative behaviors and a list of consequences... what do you think?
Curfew:
11:00pm
Going out on weekends:
We need to know who you are with, where you are going, what you are doing and who is driving.
Sleeping over:
We need to speak to the parents in advance.
You must call from the person’s house (not a cell phone) by 11:00pm.
When you spend the night at a friend’s one weekend, the next weekend you will spend it at home but friends can sleep here.
Friends:
1) We need to know your friends. Your friends need to spend time at our house/with us so we can get to know them.
2) We need full names, parent’s names, phone numbers and addresses of all of your friends.
3) You are not allowed out with people we have never met.
Attitude:
Disrespect and rudeness will not be tolerated. If you are disrespectful or rude to anyone you will return to your room and sit on your bed for 15 minutes with no radio, no TV, ect.
Cutting:
Cutting will not be tolerated. Any signs of this will result in immediate action.
Positive Behavior:
Keep a journal daily
Exercise
Eating Healthy
Vitamins-
Photography – Print and frame photos
Make your own website
Art – Frame your art work
Christmas gifts
Sewing-
(FYI – she is a fabulous artist, photographer and seamstress)
Consequences:
County Juvenile Detention Center Program,
Elk River Wilderness Challenge,– 56 day program out of state
Outward Bound Intercept Program for Troubled Teens,– 28 day program
Juvenile Boot Camp,– 28 days
What do you think? She says these rules are RIDICULOUS, and sat there with her arms folded, rolling her eyes, making faces, etc.
I am at my wits end with her.
Edited to say, she is in therapy, has been for almost a year.
Edited 11/6/2006 8:23 am ET by hbean

Pages
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I don't see anything wrong with your list of rules (very reasonable, IMO). It sounds like what you are offering is a "tough love" approach. However, at what point are you imposing the consequences? For a first infraction? I would recommend that you are VERY specific as to what would cause you to send her to a 28 day bootcamp, for example. Good luck! <>
Amelia
Welll ... I think you've got your hands full here. I didn't respond to your other posts because I don't have any btdt experience to share. But I've read your post and what I think is that IF your DD is as out-of-control as your posts implies, she still has too much freedom. I'd have those reins so tight there's very little wiggle room.
Going out? Not at all on school nights, but 11:00 seems reasonable for weekends, and I'd make sure I was the one doing the driving and picking up. Your DD wants to go to the movies? Fine, drive her there, walk her into the theater and be waiting to take her back home again after it's over.
If your DD refuses to let you meet the friends she wants to go out with, she doesn't go. Period. She is still a child and how do you know she's not meeting up with 20yo's?
Sleepovers? I wouldn't allow them at all. You might want to check out karezz' post from last week on sleepovers. This is apparently where a lot of drinking and drug useage takes place. Often it is the parents who supply alcohol to these kids thinking 'I'd rather have them drinking here instead of out on the streets'.
Another poster, (pretty sure it's tobylady) uses chores as a punishment for lying and I think that is a brilliant idea. You catch her in a lie, she gets to wash windows. Or whatever household chore you have that needs doing.
I think having her engage in the positive behaviors you listed is a good idea. However, I think it would be better if you did them with her, rather than expect her to do anything on her own. She might view it as a punishment rather than as an outlet. But if you say, 'hey, get your shoes on, lets go for a walk, play tennis, ride our bikes, etc.' she might feel less resentful and more inclined to enjoy the experience (may be wishful thinking, but you never know.)
The cutting is a whole separate issue, imo. You say your DD is in therapy, but have you considered a different therapist? If she is still cutting after seeing this person for nearly a year, I'd say it's not working and you should look into someone else.
I'm sorry you are going through this and hope it doesn't resort to your sending your DD away. I'm sure others will have better advice for you.
The list of rules in and of itself is reasonable. The *only* piece I had trouble with was the part about her cutting...i.e., what does the 'immediate action' consist of?
I also think the consequences you offered up are reasonable. I see nothing wrong with the consequences you offer up because your dd is already in counseling. Speaking of her counseling, do you ever sit in on a session? What does her counselor say, is she opening up, lying, etc.? IOW, has she effectively pulled the wool over the counselor's eyes as so many teens tend to do? Why did dd start going to counseling? Does the counselor know about her cutting, drinking, sexual antics? Does the counselor know about your list of rules and consequences? It's my feeling that if you're going to take this approach (list of rules/consequences) it's a good idea to work very closely with the counselor while trying to explain and follow through with dd.
With my dd's counselor, I meet with her as well, either before, after or during my dd's session. It works for us. DD would prefer me to remain in the room all the time, however, that's just her way of getting out of talking...so I make sure she has her time alone and then I join them towards the end of the session just to get the jist of how dd's doing in her sessions. Occasionally, particularly if I have a concern, I will call the counselor and meet privately with her to discuss dd without dd's knowledge. A good counselor will do this with you. There are a few out there who frown upon this, but IMO, and my experience, a good counselor will realize that while there are confidentiality issues, there are also safety issues and the ultimate, joint, goal is making sure that dd is safe and developing well. If your dd's counselor is reluctant to meet with you outside of dd's presence, I would ask why. Is it because she can't be bothered or is it due to certain rules her group has in place?
Those wilderness programs sounds great, but please be sure and do your homework...many of them are too strict and use militant methods to control the kids, which IMO can backfire. I really prefer the ones that allow the kids to grow within themselves, and perhaps learn the hard way how to be part of a team, something greater than themselves. One of the reasons why some kids get so out of control is because they begin to think they don't have to answer to anyone but themself or they feel invincible; they've lost sight of the fact that they are part of a greater whole. There is a really good program...I think it's up in NH or VT...and it's closer to 60 days or 8 weeks.
Best of luck, and many gentle hugs. I hope you find the right place/care for your dd.
I think your rules are a good start but I feel that you need to lay out more specifics on the consequences of her actions and be sure to follow through! If she doesn't call you by 11pm from the friend's phone, what will you do? Will you be driving over there to get her, and if she's not there then ship her off? Specifics such as: Not being where you're supposed to be will result in not leaving the house other than for school for two weeks. Things like that, but be prepared to enforce it immediately because she's gonna test you. I agree she has too much freedom and I also agree she's not getting what she needs from her therapy. Is she getting specific anger mgmt techniques for her cutting, learning to redirect her thoughts and actions?
I really hope these work for you, it sounds like you're really working on it and that's the most important part!
Denise
Cutting:
Your list of rules are reasonable and consequences are as well. You should even consider being stricter with her, as per Julie's post, considering her past behavior. However, I had trouble with the cutting one. In fact, it made me want to laugh. I really don't think cutting is one of those things you can say "will not be tolerated". Cutting indicates a serious problem, that requires the help of a mental professional. IOW she is not doing that to be disrespectful of you. It's a cry for help.
I do speak from experience. My 14dd was cutting last year, when I first came to this board for help. I do have to tell you: if your dd has been in counseling for one year, honey, it's time to find a new counselor. I tried two counselors before we found the right fit. With the second counselor dd just was not opening up: like pp, counselor would talk to me before and sometimes after talking with dd. This does not lead to the feeling of confidentiality, as least it didn't work for my dd. With the third counselor, she is young and "hip" and my dd loves her. She never talks to me, only via phone calls to maintain that "distance". She would only tell me if dd was in danger of harming herself. Now dd can't wait to go to counseling. I have seen such a change in her. She went from dying her hair black, black nail polish and wearing all black, listening to music like "Disturbed" and cutting, to a girl who now wears bright colors, listens to different music, and asked me to take her to get the black out of her hair. This happened within one year. I'm telling you, counseling works but it has to be the right "fit" or it's useless.
Good luck.
That sums up where I am on this too!
I remember being so frustrated with DS2 that I googled military schools and I found that process soothing in a way. I was doing SOMETHING and it took some of that frantic energy we tend to have at those times of stress
But...it was 'hip pocket' information. I wasnt REALLY ready to throw out those consequences for the next infraction. And Im sure DS would have sensed that.
I agree that a written version of the more immediate consequences would be a better place to start.
I'm thinking of doing this very thing with my daughter.
At least there hasn't been cutting or shoplifting that I know of. But she skipped school recently and still refuses to tell me who she was with. I caught her with pot once and booze twice this summer, but nothing since. I really think some of her girlfriends are into drugs and have psych issues. I'm quite frustrated myself.
She's been grounded for two weeks for the skipping incident and I'm about to release some of her restrictions, but I'm going to completely eliminate the sleepovers. I know one of these kid's Mom hasn't got a clue how wild her kid is. My DD will blow a gasket about that, but they don't need to stay up all night and I think this is when the worst behavior like drinking or sneaking out occurs.
I'm gonna be typing out my own list of rules too before the grounding is lifted.
My daughter is very talented at art also--these kids seem to have an extreme attitude of "I'm a misunderstood tortured soul" and use that to justify their bad behavior.
I hope your household moves toward more peace also.
Momsacupcake
Your list of rules sounds reasonable, but I'm a little concerned by the lack of immediate consequences for not meeting expectations.
I know that you are exhausted and worried. I think a written list of rules is a good start. However, my DD would have used that list as an excuse to attempt to do something else and she would have simply said but it wasn't on the list.
I wouldn't threaten my child with boot camp or anything else that would send her away unless her very life was in immediate danger - suicide attempt, serious eating disorder, addiction to drugs or alcohol, etc. Have you gone over this with her counselor? I agree with the others that if she's been in counseling for a year and things aren't improving then I would suggest you look for another counselor. I would also suggest that you try counseling yourself. I needed some help to deal with all the stress that was in my life when DD was at her worst point. I needed some encouragement to remain consistent with my discipline.
Rose suggests family outings when one of the kids is having a hard time. If DD had been punished for something, as soon as the punishment was over, she and I would go shopping or out to lunch. It was never really said out lout okay we're celebrating that the punishment's over but I definitely needed some fun time with DD and I think she needed it with me. DH would spend extra time in the yard with her pitching the softball or whatever. I think Rose would take the family on camping trip for a weekend when things would get rough. That's when kids need to know that mom and dad love them the most and they get that by doing these types of things.
Good Luck!!
Pages