Gave DD a printed list of rules
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:01am |
Hi All,
Recently, I have posted here – 1)"Do you know your child’s myspace password" and 2) "Any info on Outward Bound". Well, in a nutshell, 15yo dd is out of control – as a result of my snooping and checking up on her I know for a fact that she is into drugs, alcohol, sex, cutting, disrespect, lying, sneaking out, telling us she is sleeping at X's, X says she is sleeping at our house and they stay out all night, refusing to let us meet her friends, a boy asked her to Homecoming and we said we wanted to meet him, she refused, said they weren't going anymore, she was going with girlfriends, and I found out that was a lie and they went together anyway, he picked her up at her friends house after her and friends left here, she just refused to let us meet him, the whole nine yards. (I suspect shoplifting, but I have no proof of that) She does get good grades, but I feel she only does that so she can go out and party and run the streets. So, we sat her down Saturday night and gave her a printed list of the rules, some suggestions of some positive behaviors to replace her negative behaviors and a list of consequences... what do you think?
Curfew:
11:00pm
Going out on weekends:
We need to know who you are with, where you are going, what you are doing and who is driving.
Sleeping over:
We need to speak to the parents in advance.
You must call from the person’s house (not a cell phone) by 11:00pm.
When you spend the night at a friend’s one weekend, the next weekend you will spend it at home but friends can sleep here.
Friends:
1) We need to know your friends. Your friends need to spend time at our house/with us so we can get to know them.
2) We need full names, parent’s names, phone numbers and addresses of all of your friends.
3) You are not allowed out with people we have never met.
Attitude:
Disrespect and rudeness will not be tolerated. If you are disrespectful or rude to anyone you will return to your room and sit on your bed for 15 minutes with no radio, no TV, ect.
Cutting:
Cutting will not be tolerated. Any signs of this will result in immediate action.
Positive Behavior:
Keep a journal daily
Exercise
Eating Healthy
Vitamins-
Photography – Print and frame photos
Make your own website
Art – Frame your art work
Christmas gifts
Sewing-
(FYI – she is a fabulous artist, photographer and seamstress)
Consequences:
County Juvenile Detention Center Program,
Elk River Wilderness Challenge,– 56 day program out of state
Outward Bound Intercept Program for Troubled Teens,– 28 day program
Juvenile Boot Camp,– 28 days
What do you think? She says these rules are RIDICULOUS, and sat there with her arms folded, rolling her eyes, making faces, etc.
I am at my wits end with her.
Edited to say, she is in therapy, has been for almost a year.
Edited 11/6/2006 8:23 am ET by hbean

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Yes, we did a lot of camping trips when the boys were getting into a lot of trouble, during the months when camping is impossible (which is about half the year in WI) we'd take them away for the weekend.
Thank you to everyone who responded!! Your words are very helpful at this time. Just to answer/clarify some of your questions, No, she is not allowed out on school nights, 11pm is the weekend curfew and she does always make it here on time. If I am sleeping, she must wake me up to let me know she is here. And the positive behaviors, yes, they are family events, it’s not just “go take a picture of something”. Sunday was day one of this, and we took her down to the beach to take pictures, then we went to Target so she could get a frame to enlarge and frame her photos and she picked out a new journal, etc. Now next Sunday, we are planning to go to the state park in our area and go on a hike. She’s not as keen on that idea, hiking isn’t exactly her idea of a good time, but she’ll have her camera so you never know what we’ll see, I know there are gators, bears, deer, ect in there and being out in the fresh air in the wilderness has a therapeutic effect on people. OK, as far as the cutting... Verbally, we discussed cutting and we told her if there is anymore cutting from this day forward, we will immediately check her into the mental health hospital in town. I put it in writing, along with all the other rules and made her sign it and gave her a copy, that way if any rule is broken she can not say “I didn’t know...” I got her into therapy last year about this time when I found a kitchen knife rolled up in a towel in her bathroom. I confronted her about it and she told me what she was doing with it, and I got her into therapy. She goes about once a month, sometimes more if things get rough, it’s all I can afford. She has insurance but it’s not covered and bc she has insurance she is not eligible for the county program... frustrating. And over the summer, she was away so she did not have her sessions then, we got back on track in Aug when school started. And BTW, the counselor is very good, DD opens up to her. Many times, I give the counselor heads up before her session, so she knows some facts and each time, dd tells her the truth about things. Her sessions are just the two of them and then at the end I go in for 5, 10, 30 minutes. I pay for a one hour session and almost every time she meets with dd for about and hour and then I go in and sometimes we talk for 30 minutes and she never hurries me out for her next appointment or anything like that. I like her and dd likes her and feels comfortable with her so to find someone new or less expensive I feel would be disadvantageous to dd at this point since she is already comfortable with her. In addition to me meeting with her at length in her office, I have called her several times in between sessions and have had lengthy phone conversations with her, again, she never rushes me or makes me feel like I am taking up her time, as some professionals do bc it’s all about money. I do feel her goal is to help dd in any way she can and she is not a clock watcher, only worried about her bill. In addition, I got her into therapy when I found out she was cutting, and it stopped and her behavior got much, much better. She stopped the drugs and alcohol and eliminated some of her friends who were doing that. Just recently, her behavior/attitude has begun to decline and the drugs and alcohol have began again, but I only know this from spying on her, she plays like she is so innocent, but I know the truth, so the more I pull the reins in on her, the more she rebels, and it’s probably frustrating the heck out of her bc on the surface she is putting on such a good act.. I do not know what brought it back up, lots of her friends all got cars recently, so she is getting out more and “hanging out” more instead of sitting at home watching movies like they did before they began driving. Now they have too much freedom to just jump in the car and go. I guess that is one of my biggest fears, is them drinking or doing drugs and getting behind the wheel.
So I just have one question for everyone, do you know your kids friends and do you have contact with their parents? DD thinks that me wanting to meet and get to know her friends is ridiculous, treating her like a baby and that know one else does this. So, does anyone else do this?
Thank you everyone for your help, comments and support on this board!!
Sounds like you do have a good counselor for your daughter, and that you're doing all the right things. It's hard for us to tell our kids to find new friends, when at this age they often think friends are all that matter. My son is an introvert and always had difficulty making friends. (Living in such a mobile society doesn't help. Having our closest relative over 300 miles away has made his adulation of friends especially hard for us. Holidays are about the only time we get to see relatives.) If your daughter is more outgoing, I'd still push her to find new friends. If not, encouraging her to get involved in other activities at school or outside of school would be best to put her in the company of others who tend to stay in line. Maybe you've already tried that--I know I have with my son and he simply won't get involved, being the introvert he is.
To answer yOur question about knowing the parents of our son's friends: We know about 1/2 of them and know that they are good people and responsible parents, who would not let their kids drink alcohol when it is illegal. I ask other parents about the parents we do not know, and they tell me that they, too, are good people. We do not know how often they check up on the kids when they're hanging out at their houses. Seems like we parents all need to be asking more questions. It's not easy to make those inquiries in a non-accusatory way, which is why we probably don't do it enough. AFter my son's suspension for drinking, I told him we will sometimes be driving to the homes of his friends to check up, ourselves, just because it's going to take some time for him to earn back our trust in him.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
The older my kids get, the less I know their friends.
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