Geeez!! U won't believe what's up now!

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Geeez!! U won't believe what's up now!
6
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:41pm
My gosh... tonight dd had her bf over. He went to the computer and downloaded some music to burn to a cd. Sure... I figured it was rap music that I wouldn't really approve of... but WOW! My DH happened to be home and HE was the one that went over to the computer and looked at the songs. He started saying them out loud.... some of them were nigger, nigger, f***, f***, let me grab your t**s, let me see your t**s, and more. He got up from the computer and went to DD and BF and said "that music is ridiculous and our computer is not going to be used for that!" DD yelled "chill out Dad" I walked in and said I agreed with Dad and that I was surprised DD would think that music was okay. I said that rap music is one thing and we may not particularly like it, but that was extreme. Then DH noticed BF's shirt. It had an inappropriate saying on it that pertained to having some pearls. Neither of us said anything about that, but we plan to talk to DD about it. We are worried about her. Is this the kind of thing she is into? This kinky, slutty stuff, lack of respect stuff? Ugghh! Well, DD and BF left the house and went to his house. As they were leaving I asked where they were going. She told me. I said, "why, because we won't let you listen to terrible music?" They just walked out. I trust she'll be home at 9 (her weeknight curfew). Remember, this is the same kid that was "joking" about having a threesome with DD and her friend and I happened to overhear. I think DH and I need to have a serious talk with DD. Please send me your prayers and positive thoughts so that we say the right thing. We all know this could just make him all the more attractive to her. I'm sooo frustrated. I want to send her off to an aunt in a different state. It would be easier.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 8:59am

Wow. I'm really sorry that your dd is hanging with such a loser. How old is she? Depending on her age, it might not hurt to tell her that her bf is welcome in your home anytime (even if you don't feel that way!), but you're going to insist that they get together under your roof for the time being. If this is how he acts in your home, I'd be mighty concerned about how he behaves elsewhere.

I'd also tell her that "guests" are not free to download anything on the family computer. You really are in a tough position - let us kknow if you talked to her and how it went...
jt

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:16am

Deb,

If it's any consolation, my 16dd used to be like this. After about a year of really struggling with trying to figure out why my dd (being raised by a strong self sufficient and independent feminist mother, I might add) would sink so low and disrespect herself like that, she finally came out of it. She lost some of her loser friends (who spoke to her in such a filthy manner, with such disrespectful words-ugh), she gained some self respect and the boy she is dating for the past 7 months is a really nice kid - he's got long hair and he's edgy, but he's respectful of her (and us) and he treats her like a queen, something I think she might have been in a past life - ;o)

We had to be very firm with her, we placed a lot of restrictions on her, we questioned everything and we monitored everything, including banning certain types of musical 'artists' (a word I use lightly) from being played in our home. We took away privileges, enforced earlier curfews, denied her certain outings. Each time she went crazy with defiance, we reasserted our reasons and eventually, not without some help of being assualted due in part to her reckless behavior, she was reigned in - a lot! She went through a really depressed stage because she felt isolated and since we were not allowing her to hang with any dirtbags, she really was isolated. Her only 'good' friend was one of the neighbor's kids who had tried to talk her out of hanging with the losers. So they became very close. The only thing my dd does now that bothers me is smoke cigarettes, but I've chosen my battles and that one didn't really register as a priority compared to the other stuff that troubled my H and I at the time. She can't smoke in the house, only outdoors and she has to pick up her butts. Otherwise, she's a pleasure to be around these days. And one last thing that has contributed to peace in my house has been the absence of the internet for 6 months and when we got it back, AIM had been removed and I blocked all AIM/mySpace/AOL and other websites. My dd's both download music from iTunes to dd's iPod but I monitor the music - what's funny is that a year ago she would have been downloading all sorts of crap, now it's mostly pop and country! Haha - she's really come a long way.

I really hope that you're able to withstand the tension in your house as you forge ahead to help your dd see that this path is a bad one, as is the BF - and I hope you all come out the other side better off.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:04pm
Well, I did talk to her about the music and the t-shirt. She didn't undertand the t-shirt. It said "You'd look great in pearls" which my DH told me means what "happens" after oral sex. So I told her. We were both embarrassed. She said she didn't think her BF knew what it meant either (we think he did). I asked her if that's all she is to him is just a toy for him to play with. Overall, the conversation did not go very well. She wasn't in a listening mood. But I did manage to get the point across that that music is so disrepectful of women and others and the shirt showed a total lack of respect for DD. The BF didn't download all the nasty songs... she downloaded some too, so she was also at fault. That all happened last night when she came home (right on time). Since I was the "heavy", I urged my husband to just go give her a hug and tell her he loved her (something he rarely does). He did (yay!!... hey it's important to celebrate the small improvements ;) ). This morning she got up and everything was fine. She didn't have a chip on her shoulder or anything. She did dress in a top that was sort of low-cut, but I decided not to say anything about it. Thanks for the support. I feel better about how we handled it. When things are calm, do you think I should talk to her about dressing in tops that show her tummy and are low-cut?
Debbie
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 3:08pm

I think I'd tackle one thing at a time, to be honest. Clothing, unless it's showing private parts, IMO, is not the most important thing going on with your dd.

Incidentally, and I know how hard this it to do, I don't think sending in H to smooth things over or give her a hug is such a good idea. I say this from experience - I think it sends dd mixed signals. There is no reason why she shouldn't have been left alone, perhaps feeling badly, with time to think about everything you've said to her.

I very often have had one sided conversations with my dd's over the years - because I felt it was important that they hear what I have to say, not necessarily because I care what they think or what thier response is to my thoughts. Like it or not, there will be times when my dd's don't always agree with me or my rules or what I say to them - they WILL be angry with me and maybe not even talk to me for a day or two - but you know what? They heard me and hopefully, as it's been proven over the years, it's given them food for thought. I like to think that some of what I've said to them at those times has sunk in and made an impression on them.

Before I was at my rope's end, I too would either go in later and give dd a hug and kiss, reassure how much I loved her or send in H to do that same, never realizing that I was only setting myself backwards by doing so. The fact is, our kids DO know how much we love them and every time we reprimand them or lecture them about something, we don't always need to go smooth thier feathers. Ugh - I hate myself when I feel the need to do that.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're staying on top of it and that can only be a good thing - hang in there, I hope dd listens to you.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 4:54pm
I suppose you are right. The thing is, DH has just recently begun to even show warmth toward her. I don't know what the problem was, but he never tried to get close to her at all. I feel like that has partially caused DD to cling to this BF even though he is somewhat controlling, dishonest, and his faithfulness is questionable. Since she didn't get any validation from Dad for so many years, she needed SOME guy to share things with. They have been going out for about 9 months, though I don't know how it has lasted this long. She sees him differently than others do. So.... I thought it would be a good thing for her to know that Dad does really love her and care for her and that is why he said the things he did to the BF and her. He was protecting his daughter. I hope she read it that way. I, on the other hand, kept my distance. I said what I thought was necessary and left it at that. Usually it is the other way around. DH will dole out the criticism (which is necessary at times of course), but was not able to give compliments and pats on the back. Consequently, she just always thought he was mad at her and didn't really "like" her. Now I think she feels differently. I hope. So now she is hanging out with her brother (15, she is 16 and they are close) and his friend because the BF is busy going out with his friends at night on the weekend. (faithful???)
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 4:26pm

You are absolutely right about this. It was this way with my own dad and I. He was always ready and able to critize but never gave me any loving correction. I think discipline, in order to be successful, has to be "loving" correction. Even though it may not seem that way at the time to the kids, but later, when you're still talking to them kindly and still doing "little things" for them, hopefully they realize that although they made you angry, the love is still there. Make sure your dh continues to give her positive attention. I think you're right on target.

And I agree with hearts. Let the clothing go for now.