Geez...Did I Over-react??

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Geez...Did I Over-react??
6
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 7:35am
Last night my DD and her friend made plans. They went to a dance, had fun and the the girlfriend was staying overnight. DD's boyfriend called and wanted to come over (at midnight. I was asleep and bleary... but I said ok). He came over, they were talking in the dining room, when I started coming down the stairs. I overheard him being rather disrepectful and "kiddingly" calling my daughter a bitch. Then I heard him say something about a threesome with DD, friend, and him. I continued down the stairs, looked at him and said "I heard that. Now get your jacket and I am taking you home." DD totally blew up on me and said he was kidding and that I was overreacting. I got DH who backed me up. She said she hated us and could not wait to move out when she is 18! I told her and the BF that if he wanted to date her he was going to have to treat her with more respect. He hung his head and didn't say anything while she just kept yelling at me. Geez... I WAS standing up for HER. Why would she allow him to call her a bitch and toss around the idea of a threesome? Ugh. I am upset because she doesn't have higher standards.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 9:20am

Bf may have just been kidding, but it still smacked of disrespect for your DD, and you have now let him know what is acceptable in your home and what is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 10:40am

Did you over-react? Yes and no. I love that you confronted him. He will know not to mess with you (or your dd if there is even a remote chance that you might hear) in the future. It might have been a better idea to stop at "I heard that". Look him in the eye, wait about a minute (hours to him) and walk away. Still, it was the middle of the night, you already made the concession of allowing him to come over and I can see how you might have reached the end of your rope. Under the circustances, you weren't out of line to take him home ... but a more measured response might have had a greater impact.

If I were you, I'd sit down with dd and say "It might have been easier on you if I'd allowed him to stay, but understand that I was standing up for you and how I believe you should expect to be treated and I will speak out again if the circumstances arise". If you feel an apology for giving him the boot (but not for speaking your mind) is in order, by all means say it. But, "kidding" or not, the kid was out of line. Sometimes "kidding" is thinly-veiled harrassment.

She may say she "hates" you now, but she WILL appreciate that she has a strong mom who has taught her to expect respect.

Good for you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 1:33pm
I don't think you overreacted. Even if your daughter doesn't appreciate it right away, she'll understand someday the value of having a boyfriend treat her with respect. Yeah, it was probably a joke, but a joke in poor taste nonetheless given it was the middle of the night and the three of them were discussing this when they thought they were alone.
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 3:37pm
I'm in agreement with all of you. You are the mom, still, and it's up to you to teach boundries to your children and the children they interact with. This was a big kid version of a toddler biting another for fun, except that your dd sounds like she's become numb to being bitten. You drew a very clear line for both of them. They both needed that. Teens throw around bitch like it's a funny word, calling each other that all the time. It's never bothered me to be called that, based on the context and the caller. But, if someone dares to call me that in front of my DH, regardless of the context and caller, they should be prepared to have the crap beaten out of them. My DH has the utmost respect for me and doesn't allow anyone to disrespect me. Bitch is disrespectful. Your DD needs a man in her life that won't allow her to be disrespected. Currently, that is her dad (and her mom!) and eventually, it will be her DH. Any BF needs to be able to stand in those shoes. Gosh, I'm rambling to say, I don't think you were out of line. And, I think the "take him home" move was gutsy and strong and sent a very clear message. Your DD will get over hate.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 5:32pm
Boy, you all really came through for me with your advice! I feel a lot better. I did apologize for over-reacting,.. but not for sticking up for DD. I also said that if I overhear something I don't like, I WILL say something probably to DD so she can handle. I have my standards. I loved the solution of "I heard that" and looking directly at BF. Wish I was a quick thinker. Thanks, all.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 6:19pm
Jumping in a little late here but I don't think you over-reacted at all - I think you were very generous to even let the bf come over that late - that's about the time I'd be sending kids home so I could go to bed!
Pam