Getting along with my boyfriend's daught

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Getting along with my boyfriend's daught
21
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:37pm

Hello All!

I'm having a bit of a problem with my boyfriend's daughter. I thought maybe I could pick the brains of some of the parents of teens here.

To start, I've been dating my guy for two months. We met at work and so far everything is great. He is much older than I am but we are so in sync that it's barely an issue.

Except when it comes to his daughter. I haven't spoken with him much about her because I am not sure if everything I'm feeling is normal or not. She is less than 5 years younger than me. A typical teenager as far as I can tell except that she is really quiet. Introverted. I am very outgoing and though we are close in age, I have always ran with an older crowd. I didn't even hang out with girls her age when I was her age. I'm really clueless how to connect with her. Not necessarily be her "best bud" but just getting her to talk to me. When we are in the same room, it tends to be very awkward and I can't help but be paranoid that she is judging me for dating an older man, who happens to be her father. My boyfriend is divorced and neither he or his daughter have a good relationship with the her mother. I'm afraid that the daughter may have some animosity towards women. she doesn't have alot of "girlfriends' either.

I'm very confused and I don't want her to hate me. I'm not trying to be a mother figure at all but I would like a good relationship with her because I care so much about her father.

please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 12:29am

Thanks wolverine. Trust me I've thought alot of these things through and have talked to him about my concerns with the age difference. I have dated men older than me, I always have.
but all the things that you mentioned that might be downers in our relationships, are what i want. I am still in school but I won't be there forever and I have already started a very promising career. And I do want to get married soon. Given, I never saw kids in my future, at least not my own. And when I graduate I plan on traveling some with my job and we have thrown around the idea of him retiring and getting to travel as well.
We've just talked about these things in random conversations.

I appreciate your advice, I have alot of friends my age that are completely confused as to what I see in him. But I've already had alot of experiences that they haven't too. to me, it's not about matching each other's lives, it's about how you feel. I think my relationship with him will fall in place if it's meant to be.

It's the things that I'll have to work at that I'm having trouble figuring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 11:36pm

Wow, my guy asked me for some advice about his daughter tonight. I've never had anyone come to me for a parenting issue. I think I did okay though.

Is that weird that he is inquiring about how to handle some things with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 12:04am
Why would you consider it weird?
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:26pm
Since you were once his daughter's age he probably figures that you have more of a clue than he does. He might have asked you regardless of your current age. If he thinks that you can relate to her because you are so close in age now, then that could get weird for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:32am

I have an update because I can't stand not knowing how things turn out.

My sweetie and I are still dating and I think I have made real progress. I've opened some lines of communication with the daughter and I to my own amazement the daughter seems to be fine with me. She is no longer silent but not a chatterbox either. In my previous posts I expressed that I thought this would be really hard seeing as though we are close in age, and I carry the trophy of being the oldest 21-yr-old anyone has even known and didn't know if I could relate to her at all. My current conclusion is that she is a little immature for her age and I don't feel like I have to carry myself in a different fashion that I do with my boyfriend. Which is a good thing in my mind. any other takes?
Anyway, I've met pretty much the entire family now and I'm feeling pretty confident with it now. I know that I'm still being "checked out" by her. I may have even been the subject of a google search or two but otherwise the comfort level is starting to show itself a bit.
Parents of teens-gods and goddesses of the universe-is there anything I'm missing or should look out for?

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:03am

I'm sorry but this may come off as offensive to you, but it's not really my intention. I am speaking in sole recognition of, and out of concern for, your BF's dd.

I can see why it might be difficult for her to be friendly towards you. She probably has the heebeegeebee's when she thinks of you and her dad together, kissing, etc. The fact that you're only a few years older than her probably may even get her a little skeeved out about her father...what's he doing with someone young enough to be his own daughter? A major EW factor, IMO. And I'm sure this noticeable closeness in age to the dd has not escaped comments from her friends, you can be certain.

I also wonder why you would want to be with someone who has a dd so close to your own age. Personally, I would be wondering if maybe there are some major maturity issues on his end. Again, personally speaking, I can see nothing other than physical attraction as being the main thing you have in sync - nothing else. And when the physical attraction winds down, what will you be left with to talk about? Niether of you have a common frame of reference. You are basically from two completely different generations - anything he can pull from your generation is likely only information he has culled from his dd and her peers, who BTW, is from your generation. And it doesn't matter how 'mature' you are, after a while, he isn't going to be able to keep up with you - or - his way of thinking, as a man who is almost 20 years your senior might, will get old.

I think you're better suited to be his dd's playmate rather than his. I find this entire scenario more than just a little disconcerting on so many levels, but most especially damaging to his dd. Sorry if I offended you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:29pm
Don't worry I'm not offended. I've heard all this before and I've learned to not let it get to me.
I know where the daughter is coming from. I understand that this may be weird for her not only because of my age but also because of I'm an outsider. I had a step-parent when I was younger and it didn't matter how great of a guy he was, I still felt that my family was changing me and as an adolescent that is unsettling. so no matter if I'm 21 or 41 to this young lady, I still have points against me.
And trust me, the "playmate" thing has crossed my mind. I have had many of a discussion with my bf as to where this is going because if I'm putting in all this strength and effort into getting to know his family and his kids only to be used for sex then I am wasting my precious time. he has expressed to me that he really cares and sees this going somewhere. I feel the same way. And sometimes I forget the age difference exists because when we are together we are "us" not the "young girl" and the "older guy." Outside forces bring it to our attention but we have handled that my being confident in our relationship and we make it a point not to advertise the generation gap.
As far as with the daughter, he and I have set an "open-door" policy so any strong feelings of discomfort can be discussed. And she has shown me in the past few weeks that she is warming up by including me in things and talking to me about her future plans.
I still have worries but they aren't as strong as before.
Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 7:41pm

Fair warning, this is edited and got long...

Hi Ashley,

I'm Becca... I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you :)

First, you say that, "I carry the trophy of being the oldest 21-yr-old anyone has even known " ...why do you say this? What life experiences do you have that have given you the opportunity to gain such a high level of maturity?

In my experience, *everyone* needs to go through their 'twenty something' stage. Different people live their 20-somethings in different ways, and to different degrees. Some people enjoy the freedoms of being young when they are teens, others come out of their shells in college... and others go through their teen and college years thinking that they are too 'grown up' for their peers. I've seen many of these people look back and wonder *why* they didn't take advantage of being young, while they were young. I know several people who were always trying to be older than they were, and now near 30, they are trying to go back for a 'do over' - it doesn't work.

I caution you not to fall into the trap that my friends have. Live your life, be happy, but don't try to live out a life that you don't have the life experiences to be ready for.

I believe 100% that you are doing exactly what you feel is right, and that you truly believe this can work. And there is a chance it will. But that chance is very small.

When one contemplates a serious relationship, there are several factors which need to be considered. Beyond the initial attraction, the individual's goals, dreams and general place in life need to be considered. I'm sure you know that the odds of survival of a relationship where the individuals have a large age gap, is low. This should mean to you - proceed with caution. To me, it doesn't seem as though you are proceeding with caution. After just a few months, you are looking towards a life future with this man, and his daughter - you are seeking advice as though you are acting in a parent role of someone near your age. The way you protray your relationship on this board, makes me feel as though you *don't* have the experiences necessary to see all the different aspects of life and love that will impact your relationship.

Please, please, please protect your heart. This relationship seems important to you - and if it is, you should give it every chance of growing and thriving - and in your situation, the best way to do this is to take things *slow*. IMHO, if he truly cared about you, he would maintain a more casual relationship until you had more life experience. Right now, whether you see it or not, he has the upper hand. And for myself, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I wasn't on an 'equal playing field' with my partner.

To be honest, if this was my father - I would be disgusted. You have barely begun your adult life - you have so much to learn. He's had so many more opportunities than you - at just about everything. The fact that his daughter is not being a complete *itch to you, shows to me that she's at least trying. As far as your relationship with her - hang in there I guess.

the best of luck to you,
follow your heart, but don't forget to protect yourself in the process,
Becca

Your situation has been weighing heavily on my heart, and I feel the need to share a bit more, so, ETA:
Perhaps you are exceptionally mature, but I would guess that your ability to get along so well at this point has more to do with his immaturity than your maturity. And, as you grow, you will likely out-grow him, (if you make it long enough to get to that point).
I do not question your maturity with intent to insult you, I just want to be sure that you understand it is *ok* to be and act 21. Even if you are more comfortable with an older crowd, trust me, it is hard to cover up being young.

I had my 21st birthday while I was living/working/going to school in Germany. I moved myself and my daughter there for a year, for an amazing experience. It wasn't cheap (feeling the student loans now, lol) nor was it easy - but the experience was worth it for how it helped me grow. I made sure though that I took the time to enjoy Europe as a 20-something too (and not just a mom).

Now at 23, I have my bachelor's degree, I own my own home, have a gorgeous 6 year old daughter, have custody of a 16 year old and have all the responsibility that comes with those things. When I look back on the past 7 years of my life, I am amazed by all the experiences I have had, and all the changes I have gone through. I have learned *so* much, even looking back on the past year it surprises me how many changes in thought I have gone through. I can't believe how I 'get' things now that I thought I knew 'then' (when in reality I didn't have a clue). I also know, that I have *so much* more to learn, about everything. I do the best I can, with what I know now... But I would never pretend that I could possibly be on the same level as someone old enough to be my father.

Sure, we could talk about movies, sports, traveling...but when it comes to making life's tough choices, how could we possibly be on the same page? Part of living life is making mistakes and learning from them. As you mature, you need to fail at times - it will make you a better person. But, he has BTDT for all sorts of things that you have yet to experience. How could you two come to agreement on a decision for a course of action that he has already been through, but you *need* to experience for the first time? If he is capable and mature, it would be wise to follow his BTDT knowledge. But eventually, you will resent the fact that *you* haven't had the opportunity to take these various paths in life.

Every once in awhile I feel called to share...this is one of those times. It is late, and I am tired - so I don't know if what I'm writing is clear enough to 'hit home'... But please consider the fact that all these women here who are cautioning you *do* know something... Everyone needs to go through learning experiences, and I am certain that this relationship will be one for you. I just pray that you get through it without your heart getting broken too severely. And I hope that all you take away from the relationship is a little bit of wisdom (and not a child or loss of your 'young and free' years).

A sign of maturity is the ability to recognize sound advice - and being able to take that advice and apply it to one's own life. I know you want this relationship, but do you want the consequences of how this relationship will affect you years from now?

Just some food for thought...




Edited 1/22/2006 3:16 am ET by momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:15pm
I wasn't trying to come off as a holier than thou 20-something. The truth is is that I was exposed to alot of things earlier in life. I'm very misunderstood by my peers because I have always felt so alienated (and I still do) with people my own age. Even now when I'm in college, some of the things that other kids are experiencing have been part of my life years before. Most of my true friends are in their late twenties and thirites so i think my ability to really connect with my boyfriend is not as strange as some may think. I don't think it's as much about being in the same age box as it is being on the same wave-length.
Even if my boyfriend and I don't work out I will always and have always dealt with being the much younger girlfriend. And I know i'm not being referred to as the "trophy girlfriend" because I'm average and I would never be interested in someone that was going through a weird midlife crisis.
My concern for my relationship with my bf's daughter may be premature. I agree with you guys there. But what would be worse is if I didn't think about it and not ask questions and then be overwhelmed if the proposition of marriage came into play.
He and I aren't what I'm concerned about. I care deeply for him and know how to work a adult relationship. I'm just clueless when it comes to teenage behavior and I wanted the advice of some parents or step-parents that have experienced awkwardness.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:09am

I just wanted to add another thought I had while reading Becca's post.

When I was separated and subsequently divorced with two dd's, 4 and 2, and entered into a dating relationship, which then turned serious, my dd's never even knew about it for almost a year and a half! I deliberately kept my personal dating life out of sight to spare my daughters the ups and downs of my dating life. I never felt that it was a good idea for them to meet a guy I dated and then fall in love with him and then have me stop seeing him and break their hearts.

It isn't fair for this man to drag his dd into his dating life. And I only thought of this because you said you'd only been dating 2-3 months. I think that's too early for his dd to get to know you. I think that at least 6-9 months should go by before a potentially serious relationship is introduced to his dd. I question is motives and integrity for bringing your relationship out into the open so quickly. How many other women has he dated and been introduced to his dd?

Fortunately for me, the man I dated for 1.5 years is now my H and my dd's have a great father/daughter relationship with him - it's like he's thier real dad, he's there for them in every way. I am grateful that I was able to spare my dd's the horrors of watching mom 'date' a line of guys.

I truly do hope that this man is all you make him out to be and I hope his dd is as mature as she sounds.