Getting to school on time

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Getting to school on time
9
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 8:01am
My 15 yr old dd and I fight every morning just to get her to school on time. She goes to bed at 10:00pm every night, sleeps well, yet it is a struggle to get her up. She has to leave the house at 7:05 to get to school by 7:30 and she is not even out of bed at 6:50!!!! It is driving me crazy. Her alarm goes off at 6:00, and I still have to go into her bedroom countless times urging her to get going. She gets enough sleep - she is just not a morning person and is lazy! This morning she got up at 655am and then got into the shower. I ended up driving her at 720 and she was tardy. Every morning it is a hassle - she is 15! My 12 year old gets up every morning all by herself, showers, has a good breakfast every day. My 15 year old doesn't even eat brerakfast as she is always running so far behind.

Any suggestions before I lose it?

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 9:36am
I know this may sound silly or over reactive to sime, but are you SURE she's actually getting a "good night's sleep"? My 14 dd goes to bed between 9-10 PM and sleeps straight through, but still has great difficulty such as you explained about your dd. My H and I have to take turns going in there to get her going. She's very slow in the morning and it used to drive us nuts! (sometimes still does). But, we've learned that she has sleep apnea and her true 'rest/sleep' is being disturbed all night. She's not actually reaching that deep restful sleep zone...her breathing problems are keeping her awake. I wasn't aware of a problem until this past summer. She slept on the floor of our room for the AC and I heard her start and stop breathing all night, snorting, etc. Her DR put her on nasal spray to help shrink her adenoids, but I think we're going to have to take her to a sleep center.

I know it sounds far fetched, because I would have laughed if anyone suggested this to me a year ago - I always just thought my dd was lazy, not a morning person, etc. She did have insomnia years ago when she was on meds, but that's not an issue any longer.

Up until we knew and understood the problem, we tried offering incentives, we took away privileges, we pushed back bedtime, we use her stereo in the morning to help eser her from sleep. Each helped a little, but never very long. An alarm clock is pointless, as she simply doesn't hear it. BTW, we are not EASY parents, she really does have a sleep problem - I'm not one to jump on the medical bandwagon.

My other dd, 16, gets up at 6 AM every morning, dresses, eats and is on the bus by 7:05!

Just a thought~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 1:04pm
I used to have this problem with my daughter, until I had to be at work in the morning and she HAD to be up ontime so I wouldn't be late. I was late to work one time and decided that was enough since being late I was loosing money. I gave her TWO alarm clocks, set one on her dresser away from the bed so she would HAVE to get out of bed to shut it off. It was HER responsbility to get up and ready before I left. If she didn't make it, it was up to her to get to school and it would be a half hour wait for the city bus...and I would NOT write her an excuse for missing school. A few weeks after the time I was late she decided to "sleep in" I got up did my, think in the bathroom, peeked into her room and reminded her I was getting read to leave, she brushed me off. I then headed out the door. Later that morning I got a frantic call from my daughter as to what to do! I told her it was up to her, she could either get ready and take the city bus to school (they run every half hour) or stay at home...and get a detention for skipping school. She took the detention and was at school every morning for a week a half hour before school to do it. LOL...now when the alarm goes off she gets up and is ready to leave when I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 1:30pm
Some people are just not morning people, and I'm one of them. It took me years to develop the self-discipline to get out of bed with plenty of time to spare, and even though I'm up by 530 most mornings now, NOBODY BETTER TALK TO ME BEFORE 715 or so.

Also, if DD doesn't have sleep apnea, is it possible that she has something going on in her life that keeps her from getting a restful sleep? Depression? Stress? S will lay in bed unconsious for hours and hours but still wake up exhausted and be very tough to get out of bed if he's under a lot of stress. There were mornings that I called him 3-4 times for school when he was in the midst of his break up with C, even when he'd been asleep for 9-10 hours.

Sometimes the tardiness is just behavioral, and then it needs to be dealt with, but when an otherwise cooperative kid is giving that much grief in the morning, you have to look for other causes too.

reis_mom...throughout your posts on this board I've gotten the impression that your parenting style is very much "I'm the mom and this is the way it's going to be because I said so." It's great that that style works for you and your DD...but there are some kids it just WON'T work for, and it sometimes causes even bigger problems. I can use that with J & Z, but S and N are totally different personalities, and that approach would cause such a huge rebellion, I might as well just dig my own grave and pull the dirt over me! Even the 4 of them need different parenting styles, all 4 are doing great...part of the challenge of parenting is finding what works for each individual child, and some of that is what people are looking for on a support board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:19pm
Frankly I thought this was a board where we could SHARE parenting styles I have never said that anyone here has to adopt my style of parenting. And NO what you assume is my style is wrong. Actually I'm pretty pemissive but when it comes down to the basics I expet my daughter to follow the rules. Once she is on her own live is not going to be an all out party, there ARE rules to be followed. I feel that by the age of 15 getting out of bed should be on the shoulders of the child and not the parent. If I have to take off work everytime my daughter decides to "sleep in" or doesn't want to get out of bed because she isn't a morning person my salary gets docked...my salary gets docked, bills don't get paid, bills don't get paid phone calls start coming. So should I give in every time my daughter doesn't want to get out of bed because she "isn't a morning person" and wind up possibly getting evicted from our apartment because I can't pay the rent because my wages were docked? Oh by the way I'm NOT a morning person but I FORCE myself out of bed because I know the consequences if I don't.
Avatar for louannems
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:41pm
I would not wake her up.I would let her take full responsiblity for getting herself to school. If she misses the bus, let her walk. If she misses your ride, let her walk or catch a bus.

My oldest son (now 24)had this problem. Our state has a Becca Law where it is the law that students go to school.If they miss so many days, they go to truancy court. We had to take our son several times to this court and every time the judge stressed that it was our son's responsibility to get himself to school. We were not to struggle to wake him every morning. He got so behind that he dropped out but he enrolled himself in an alternative high-school and did very well there and he graduated.

My 16 yo DS and 14 yo DD have been waking themselves, getting ready and out the door all by themselves since the 4th grade.. I do not even wake up and hear them. I have worked 4-midnight since DD was 2 and I get to sleep at 2 am. My kids are never tardy.

Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 8:01am
Some thoughts...

I would be the type of person who would wake her up and help her out, etc.

But, then, once things started to get 'ridiculous', that's when I draw the line.

Everyone has their own boundaries... I think mine would have been set already.

I always tell my 14yo DD that I don't mind exceptions. Things certainly go wrong, bad days happen. But, bad days (or nights) or exceptions happen more than a few times, or become a habit - meaning a bad habit - then it is time to make some changes.

Now, I want to be helpful, I want to make a home that is her sanctuary from the craziness of the world. But, I don't want to be an 'enabling' Mom. I don't want to do so much for her that she can't do for herself.

So, while you might be wondering about your 'style' and whether or not you are doing the right thing, add this into your list of things to consider.

Are you being strict? Or, are you just NOT being 'enabling'?

On the other hand...

Are you being permissive? Or, are you being enabling?

It's all a matter of perspective.

Being 'permissive' doesn't mean you can't teach responsibility.

Being 'strict' doesn't mean that you aren't a nice Mom.

Thee is always a middle ground.

You can apply different principles and philosophies to different situations.

Are you enabling her to be irresponsible? Or, responsible?

I know that most people prefer the latter, but sometimes people (myself included) get caught up on whether they are being mean or easy or whatever, that they lose perspective.

All that said, if it were me, I'd say it's time to let her take responsibility. If she misses school, then so be it and she takes the consequences. I'd bet that it works and I'd also say it will be one of the best things she learns.

Another thought... what are you teaching her for when she gets older and gets a job?

If it is sleep apnea or something else, then it needs to be taken care of.

She'd need to do that if she were working. A boss doesn't care if you have sleep apnea or anything else. Boss will only pay you if and when you show up for work. No matter what is keeping you from doing it, s/he doesn't care. If you don't show up - you're gone.

So, these are just some thoughts to consider...

Good luck...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 10:44am
Perfect response!

Your so right - IF it's sleep apnea, fine - take care of it.

But, if it's just a matter of the kid not taking responsibility for herself, that's a whole other story. As parents, it's our job to set the boundaries for our kids - gradually let go so they can take care of themselves.

I bought my two dd's alarm clocks about 5 years ago for Christmas. The older dd is hyper paranoid about missing the bus, etc. She's is always on time, and if she's waiting for a ride from me, she will nag me until we are out of the driveway. It's funny, H and I area always chuckling over it. On the other hand, we've always had to nag the younger dd to get up, get dressed, go wash up - she's SLOW. She's always laid back about everything...and we're learning that her 'slowness' is most likely related to her sleep apnea. It's quite amazing how muc sleep (or lack thereof) can affect your everyday motions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 1:29pm
My daughter does not have sleep apnea, she just CHOOSES to stay up late and therefore isn't always "ready" to get up in the morning. Neither her nor I are "morning people" but ever since I was in elementary school it was up to me to get my butt out of bed and off to school and somehow I managed. I have pretty much worked during my daughter's lifetime and she knows that IF I have to take her to school then she had better be prepared because I'm not going to miss work because she doesn't WANT to get out of bed. If she is sick that is another story, I usually tell her to stay home in bed if she is. If the reason she was up late was MY fault I do wait for her and I bite the bullet when my paycheck comes in. If she has an appointment that I have to take her to before school/work I make arrangements to go into work late so that it isn't a problem. However when she just wants to sleep in...she is on her own when I go out the door.
Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 2:13pm
Thanks! I hope it helps!

In my situation, I actually don't have any problem with bedtimes or sleeping (except when it comes to the dog) or waking up. We are always on time. My DD hates being late. That's just her thing.

That said, she does have other bad habits... like not putting dishes in the dishwasher, and leaving them in the sink for me to put away; or never putting out the recycling or the garbage unless she is asked; or not emptying the dishwasher unless I physically start handing her plates.

Now, for me, I'd leave the garbage in the garage pile up until she got the hint.

And, I'd let the dishes pile up and let her see that not doing it only provides more work in the end.

But, my husband (mr. type-a) can't stand that idea, so I end up facilitating and nagging.

Actually, if it came right down to it, I'm not sure how much of my ideas I'd be able to take or how much she'd test/push me on it. So, I don't fight my husband on this point. And, I'd rather be the 'nice' Mom in this case and facilitate both of them.

I always weigh things.

Everybody has a "thing", a bad habit (including parents)

and every mother has their boundaries or fuses.

Some are shorter and some are longer depending on the "thing"

Maybe this is also a pick your battles issue...

Don't know... just more thoughts to consider.