Gifted swimmer not even trying

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Gifted swimmer not even trying
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Tue, 10-25-2005 - 5:35am
I am so frustrated with my 16 year old daughter. For the past 6-7 months, she has been very lazy. She is a great swimmer and has been on a swim team for about 5 years now. She has made it to state a few times. This year, she can't seem to motivate herself to complete an entire workout at her high school swim practice. I've talked with her coach and she doesn't have any answers either. She is "supposed" to be the team captain, but DD just won't lead by example. She says she doesn't like swimming anymore. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing what she actually does like. She has no idea what she wants to do with her future and lately has been saying she doesn't really know if she wants to go to college anymore. When she is home on weekends, all she wants to do is lay around with her boyfriend. Now lately she says she has headaches and her face is puffy around the eyes. I told her she needs to exercise and eat better and she will feel better and look better. I don't really suspect drugs or alcohol problems. I also told her she needs to take better care of herself, but she really doesn't want to listen to me (incidently, I'm a personal trainer). Does anyone have advice on how to get her going?
Debbie

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 8:05am

Is your DD depressed? If that is the case, addressing that issue, and what the root of the depression might be, will likely bring back your motivated DD.

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:17am

Because you mentioned physical issues, I'd start with the doctor.

Also, FWIW, I was on swim team in HS too, and to be totally honest, once I finished, I wanted nothing to do with swimming laps - I 'poddle' in the water or 'dangle' on the edge. It fried me for life. Maybe she hit that sooner than I did. Between that and the load of classwork kids have to do, I really wouldn't be surprised.

Maybe ask her if she truly wants to quit and let it be her choice. Maybe that would turn her around, empowering her to make that decision, but also realizing what it may do to the team and friendships within there (is she obligated to be captain and swim this year, or is it only if she chooses to? that would also weigh heavily on it becoming her 'choice'). Good luck - I'd definitely start at the doctor; maybe s/he can then give you other ideas too.

Sue

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:35am

My DD has played softball since she was 5 years old. It seems to be normal for teen-age girls to loose interest in sports during the teen years. Their interests change and they want to devote more time to those - even if it is hanging around the house with her b/f. I've seen some very talented and gifted young women give up sports that they have worked their entire life at in order to fine tune the art of shopping. We choose to encourage her to enjoy her sports and didn't push the competitiveness of them and she continued to play but not with the intensity that she did when she was 12 or 13. Amazingly enough, now that she is a senior and has made the decision not to play in college, she is really being quite competitive about playing this year. At the age of 15, she was already being looked at by college pitching coaches. Unfortunately, she suffered an injury and was no longer able to pitch but she is an equally good first baseman and has been scouted in that position as well. We've simply asked her to listen to what they have to say, talk to some of the college players about the balance between sports and academics, maybe attend a few of their games and make her own decision then. She could use the scholarship money but it would be a total waste if she flunked out or quit b/c she was unhappy. We can also be a little more lax about the scholarship situation since the injury was caused by a drunk driver and that settlement will offset that.

I agree with Rose about possibly having her evaluated for depression but I also want you to realize that it is not unusual at all for female athletes to loose some interest in sports during this time in their life. My very unprofessional opinion is that it is during these years that young women develop a sense of who they are and since our society places more emphasis on being "female" than they do on being a "female athlete" they tend to move away from that part of their lives. It is a stereotype thing that they sort of give in to. I don't think they realize they are doing do this but it certainly appears to me that they are. They want to discover the other parts of themselves and that's very hard to do when you are practicing or playing all the time. During volleyball season, DD had matches every night until at least 7:00. Then she would come straight home and do her homework. She also had 4 hours of practice on Saturday's. So she had very little time left during the week for church, other extracurricular activities, or even just visiting with her friends.

I hope this helps to clarify one possible reason for her behavior.

Good Luck!

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Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 11:53am

Sounds to me like she's a little burnt out! As has been discussed on this board a time or two, being a teen in today's world is pretty stressful. The pressure to excel, get into a good university, participate in sports and extra-curricular activities, have a social life, etc. can be draining on a teen. It's a lot to process!

After ruling out any physical or depression issues, I say if she doesn't want to swim any more, let her take a break. Maybe she just needs some downtime.

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Registered: 03-14-1999
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 12:13pm

As a mother of a DD that played HS soccer and currently has a DS on a college Swim team- I can understand how you feel- but I tend to agree with the others- it sounds like she maybe burnt out- My DD was very competive with soccer in HS and did play 1yr college for a Division III team- so the competition wasn't that fierce- but still after playing soccer since age 5- she did hit a wall and dropped it after that first year.

I would suggest a complete physical to rule out any illness or depression.

I agree that you should not be speaking with her coach- it is obvious the coach is aware of a lack of effort and I am sure the coach has discussed this with her- at this point it should be up to DD on what she wants to do.

I will point out something: my DS is on his college swim team- but it is Division III- there are no scholorships offered but the pressure is not as great either- the kids on the team are there because they WANT to be- now DS still has to practice and his college practices are long and grueling - swimming is just that way! but the pressure between practice/ meets & academics is not as great

At 16 your DD may suddenly realize she has this pressures to start considering life beyond HS and it can be stressful- if she needs to back off on the swimming- then she may have too-

Kathy
Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:01pm
You have all given me good advice... and I feel much better. In the back of my mind, I thought she was burned-out all season, but I always feel like I need to help with things. Sometimes I just have to take a backseat and let the chips fall where they may. I can do that. The difficulty will be convincing my husband. He tends to be very controlling and pushes the kids too hard at times. He travels quite a bit so I often handle things and don't bother him with some of the situations. I doubt that we will get by this one without him having his say though. We won't really need to discuss it with him until next Fall when swim season comes around again (there are only 2 weeks left of this season). I will try to brief him before we have a big discussion on it. I think you are all correct in saying she is really trying to figure out who she is instead of being told who she is. I have been letting her make a lot of her own decisions; now sometimes I offer advice, but she makes the decision. Again, I say this is not always easy when her dad is around because he always wants to tell people what to do.
Sorry I got so lengthy.
Debbie
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Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:21pm

Jumping in sort of late on this one, but wanted to share a similar thing with my DD14. She has been horseback riding since she was 8 and taking Karate since 10 or so - always loved both and was adament about keeping up and scheduling lessons/practice/trail rides. This fall she decided not to sign up for Karate, and hasn't asked to take horseback lessons. I've asked once or twice, and she'll say "Oh Yeah, we should schedule that" but doesn't follow through. I know if she wanted to I would hear about it (boy! would I hear about it LOL), so I figure she's ready for a break.

It's not the same level of intensity as your DD, but I think with my DD she's gotten to the point in both sports where she has to make a decision about doing it "seriously" or just for fun. Not because of pressure or competition, more because (in riding, for example) you either take it up a notch or decide you're going to just ride for fun. In Karate, her instructor was pushing her to compete more (i.e., not just do it for fun). Making the decision feels momentous, and I think she wanted/needed a break to let it sink in.

My DH is not at all concerned - he's not wild about horseback riding in general, and karate has a way of cutting into weekends - and she has other activities and school to keep her busy.

HTH

Sue

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:54pm
Getting DH on board with a little downtime was the hardest part of it. He kept pushing for a while and then one day DD just snapped and let it fly. He got very upset with her for talking to him in such a manner but I jumped in the middle and sent them both to their neutral corners. I had tried previously to explain this to DH and so had DD but he wasn't hearing us until that day. When I sent him to his room and her to hers, I talked with him and pointed out to him that we had both tried to talk to him and he wasn't listening. By this point, DD felt that yelling was the only way to get his attention. He finally calmed down enough to hear what I was saying. I also talked to her about other ways she might could have handled this such as maybe writing him a letter or continuing to talk to him or even enlisting his mom (he always respects his mom). She understood that she handled it poorly and I made them both apologize to each other. That was not a fun night but he hasn't pushed her since. I hope it doesn't come to that at your house.
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Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 2:10pm

You sound like a good mom, concerned for her daughter and you have gotten good advice.

Along the lines of the depression, I would add some food for thought:

::saying she doesn't really know if she wants to go to college anymore.

This might just be 'testing' your reaction to see if she really does have control of her own life.

::When she is home on weekends, all she wants to do is lay around with her boyfriend. Now lately she says she has headaches and her face is puffy around the eyes.

Are things ok between her and her boyfriend. Puffy eyes was a dead giveaway with me when I had been crying.

Some books you might be interested in and I highly recommend:

How to Really Love Your Teenager, Ross Campbell
Five Love Languages of Teenager, Gary Chapman

Both are excellent books.

Others, for her possibly for her own self-esteem:
Teen Esteem: A Self-Direction Manual for Young Adults by Pat Palmer

The Awakening from Caterpillar to Butterfly Handbook for Life, Love & Dating, by Shelia A Dennis


Carrie

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 2:22pm
You know I meant to ask about crying as well. The puffy eyes are exactly how I know when DD has been fighting with her b/f. She cries, the eyes swell, the nose gets stopped up and she gets a headache. Thank you for pointing that out. Probably not much mom can do about that but it might be an explanation.

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