Girlfriend problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Girlfriend problems
31
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 10:54am

Ds is 14 1/2, just out of 8th grade. He has this GF who he's been "going out" with on & off for the past maybe 2 year--they have probably gone out & broken up at least 8 times. His dad & I are so sick of her--not that she's not a nice girl, but we don't like the drama and I personally think he'd be better off w/ someone else. I am glad he's going to high school next year where he will be meeting a lot of new girls.

Anyway, here are some examples that make me think they are not going to last the whole summer (they have only been going out a month this time). Fri. night we are in the car on the way for him to sleep over at his dad's house and she wants him to go w/ her to watch fireworks in the next town. They are leaving in 10 mins. He says "I'll call you back." I said to him--just tell her you can't go cause you're on your way to your dad's to sleep over. He said, I will, but she'll be mad. So I guess he is supposed to drop whatever he's doing to be w/ her. Today they are going into Boston w/ her family to see the fireworks/Boston Pops concert--it's at night but in order to get a space on the grass, you basically have to spend all day sitting around--not my cup of tea and I don't think he really wants to do it either, but he gave in to what she wants to do.

What is even more bothersome is that basically all his friends are girls--he really does not hang out w/ any boys outside of school, which she obviously knows since these girls are her friends too, and now she is becoming jealous of him being w/ the other girls when she's not around. So is he supposed to spend every day w/ her and have no other friends? I really don't want to encourage that at his age anyway--I don't want them to be that serious--seeing each other a couple of times a week is enough in my opinion. The plus is that she lives on the other side of town, too far to walk, so he can't just go over to see her whenever she wants. He thinks all girls are this needy & clingy but I really don't think that's the case. I really hope he gets tired of her soon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 1:52pm

At that age, my boys would have been soooo unprepared for a relationship with a girl. Girls mature faster and my boys are late bloomers. There would have been tremendous potential for being taken for a ride, so to speak, and, frankly, that is what I see happening with your son.

As always, forbidding the relationship might strengthen it, but I see no reason why you can't set limits. At 14, one event and phone conversations the rest of the time seem like plenty to me. If that's too big a drop, then maybe two events.

He needs to learn to set boundaries; not telling her he was on the way to his dads because she might be angry tells me that.

If he can't, you need to until he can.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 3:47pm

ITA - ds17 didn't date at all til he was 16, and that was brief (now he's in a relationship but he's almost 18) - at any rate my point to make is even when he was with guy friends at that age, I told him ANY time he was uncomfortable with a situation (invitation, circumstances, etc.) - blame us and say he has to leave/can't go/whatever. That way he knew he had an out. Worked great.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 3:53pm

I would be concerned for your ds. There are some real red flags here as far as the "relationship" goes. Neither are ready for any type of relationship, and the fact that it has been going on since the age of 12??? even if it is off and on.. The fact that she would have been mad at him if he couldn't have gone, and he was worried about it, I hope he was made to go on to dad's house and she went ahead with plans with her family, that would have been age appropriate and the healthy way to go about it.


It sounds as if the situation is getting out of hand since you have posted about this girl and your ds before. I think her parents should be concerned about her behaviors as well. At 14 1/2,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-04-2010 - 4:53pm

Oh yes I told him that his dad wouldn't like it if he didn't go and he wasn't really upset about that--he did call her back & said that he wasn't allowed to go, which is always a good excuse. I know he won't back down either about being w/ his other friends whoa are girls.

In high school there will be a lot more girls--there are usually over 400 kids in a grade. What they did in middle school since it was also a large school (but 2 middle schools go into the high school) was separate the school into 3 houses, so he has been w/ the same kids from grades 5-8 as if it was a smaller school. I remember being in 8th grade. I went to Catholic school and there were 40 kids in each grade but by the time I graduated, I was just so sick of seeing the same faces and ready to meet new people. So I think his choice of girls was limited and now there will be a lot more to choose from. Not that I care if he has a GF or not--I think he's too young & actually try to discourage it. They don't even go on dates, it's more of hanging out w/ other people around but at that age, I think it's better just to be friends and not get into all this emotional drama.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 7:19am

I can understand just how frustrating this can be for you! S has always, *always* gone for the super needy, clingy girls/women. When he was younger, it was much as you describe with your DS, now that he's in his 20s he tends to let his woman control his life to the extreme. He's finally getting better about that, but he has a long way to go before I'd call him mature and independent. I don't know how one teaches a boy to have a backbone with the girls in his life, but your DS does need to establish some boundaries with this girl (and any future girls in his life) or he's going to be dragged around by his g/f for a very, very long time.

Good luck to you... maybe the new school will open his eyes to the fact that there are more fish in the sea, and they don't all want to control his life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 10:35am
I think that today I will make him stay home w/ me since I have the day off. He started doing a ceramics class last week w/ his other female friend & her mom--it's really funny that he would like this since it's taught by an elderly lady and he said except for him & his friend "it was all old people there" meaning people even older than me. And he said he wants to go back to finish what he started making last week. Plus this girl has a pool so no way is he going to give that up. lol It's good that he has to spend some time at dad's house too and I think this week he is going to spend a couple of days w/ my mom which is out of state, so I will try to limit the time they spend together. DS is really easy going but I do also think that he doesn't like to get pushed around either, so when she reaches that point that he's sick of it, he will say no.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:00am

I wish I had advice for helping him find male friends.

Maybe high school will help by giving him more options of guys he feels in sync with.

It is worrisome for a boy just as it would be worrisome for a girl to only have boyfriends, KWIM?

My oldest's first GF was very controlling. If he left her to come visit us, she timed the ride and expected him at the house within that time or grilled him on why it took so long. He just laughed it off but, like Rose, we wondered what we had done to create this and what we could do to teach him to stand up to her. He finally left after she cheated on him with three different guys while they were living together only to take her back again less than a year later. Same scenario unfolded with another break-up that has been over a year now. Fingers crossed.

It took some hard knocks and he is stuck with an incredible amount of credit card debt as a result(he had to leave the apartment to leave her which left her with an apartment she couldn't pay for-his name on the lease-a total mess).

Anyway, society doesn't provide a lot of information for guys in these situations. We seem to just roll our eyes and say they need to grow a set instead of offering advice or resources.

I will tell you that DS1 now has a close male friend to hang with and a healthy relationship with a girl. I didn't even make a connection until I read your post!! Perhaps they do go hand in hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 2:26pm
I tried to figure out why he doesn't have close friends who are boys w/o making a huge deal out of it. He does say that he talks to boys on the bus and sits w/ them at lunch. One thing is that my DS has no interest in sports, even to watch them. So maybe while the guys are all talking about the Red Sox, he has nothing to contribute--which is ironic because the rest of the family is sports fans. I will tell him that I am reserving the TV to watch football. lol The other thing is that he said once that they like to play some violent video games, another thing he's not interested in. He has Wii, which he uses more for sports type games, and Nintendo, but he's not obsessed w/ video games. I know in high school there is more room for people who are outside the box, so hopefully he will find guys like him. It would be nice if he has one or two guy friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:20am

<>

Isn't this the truth! In fact, to a certain extent, boys are socialized to accept a controlling, clingy woman's behavior as a good thing... we hear so very much about controlling men being abusive or potentially abusive, so I think some boys go to the total opposite extreme in an effort to be a "good guy." At the expense of their own self-determination.

I'd never mad the connection with the lack of male friends, but S has never had many close male friends either... and those that he does have, he tends to blow off because his woman expects him to. Makes me wonder if the basis of all of it is some sort of insecurity... 95% of S's "friends" have always been those that he's met through his g/fs, and when he has a g/f (which he's seldom without, going back to the time he was 14) he rarely simply hangs out with the guys.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:52am
Ya know, I've noticed that too, in some of the boys and men I've known. Perhaps if they don't get, or don't WANT that "male bonding" experience, they don't really learn how to set boundaries, OR how to handle the "give and take" that ANY good relationship needs. And I think it's not just boys, but PEOPLE who don't have many friends, tend to not know how to have good, balanced relationships.

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