good info thanks boys and ...
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| Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:15am |
Thank you for your responce. I think I need to be more detailed when I write next time. I really just wanted any advice I could get so I was very general.
The boys are my son and his BF, ages 13 and 14 respectfully. They have been friends for several years now. After having spoken to my son and asking questions NOT in a threating manner I have come to find out that it is mutual. It may not have been that way from the start but it is now. I found out yesterday after giving him the night to think about it and if he feels he wasn't completely honest giving him the chance to decide if he wants to tell me anything else, his BF has been going through my night stand tables and looking at the things that my husband and I have in there. Nothing too bad just some books. These books have pictures and well he has been looking at them and showing them to my son.
This upset me because he was going through my private stuff. My bedroom is off limits and they know this.
So, I am getting councling for my son and his BF is going to New York for 3 weeks leaving tomorrow. They will be apart for a while so I won't have to worry but do I still tell the other parents and when? I think I should wait until his BF is back from NY so it can be a sit down. I feel very uncomfortable about this, they are my daughters god parents and we are best friends. We don't have any other friends that we spend every weekend with and my husband has never had a friend he feels this close to. So I know that when this is finally a discussion we are going to lose our friends. I am so sure they will be so imbarassed by this and may even blame my son because in their eyes their son can do no wrong and there is no way he would expermient homosexually. Their son is a well rounded athlete a stright A student and until now comes across as a well rounded young man.
Oh this stinks. I can't believe this is happening.
Thanks again.

{{{hugs}}}
I think that boys at ages 13, 14, etc., will be curious and maybe even explore thier sexuality - whether it's homosexually or heterosexually. Either way, you need to find a way to be clear about what is appropriate behavior and what is not...meaning that you must keep it generic...it's not about whether or not homosexual behavior is appropriate or not - it's about sexual behavior in general. Just suppose your son or his friend ARE homosexuals. Wouldn't it be wrong to condem the homosexual aspect of the behavior rather than thier age and the level of sexual play? If your son were engaging in activities with a girl, would your reaction be the same? And if so, would you have a sit down with the girls' parents or would you only address it with your son?
I hope that when your son sees the counselor he is able to open up about this without complete embarrassment and I hope he can be honest about what was going on and the dynamics of his relationship with his best friend (I have to admit, when I was reading your post below, I kept thinking BF meant boyfriend and I got confused also). I hope that your son can take responsibility for his part in the sexual play and learn that his curiosity is normal and learn to accept that curiosity has physical limitations that he needs to respect as well. And I hope that the counselor is able to assure him that if he IS experiencing homosexual feelings that he needn't feel badly about them and that it's okay to think about them but he doesn't need to make any decisions about it.
Your son could probably use this time away from his bf and spend some time with his other friends. Summertime is wierd because there are usually only a couple of friend close by enough to hang with = often a kids other friends are unavailable or vacationing, etc., so your son doesn't have the usual diverse mix of friends he may during the school year.
Personally, I think I'd see how things unfold with counseling before deciding to have a sit down with your friends. I think it's important to see how your son comes out of the sessions, how he feels about his friend and himself before you blow the lid off this. It may be that it was a mutual thing, but your son was so horrified that you discovered it, he put more blame on the friend, which is typical. It may be that this was simple curiosity and exploration and now that it's been addressed it may end and the two will go on being friends, but with a definite boundary in place.
If the bf HAS been putting pressure on your son, that should come out in counseling as well and then you can decide with the counselor the best course of action in regards to notifying your friends.
I feel for you - hugs and hang in there. I hope all turns out well.