got together w/ old friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
got together w/ old friends
5
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:59am

This weekend I got together w/ some old friends from high school. After the stuff that has been going on at home, I really needed a night out! Anyway, we were all talking about our kids, most of whom are in college or starting. It seems I'm the only one w/ a child still in middle school. But it's nice to chat and find out that everyone else's kids aren't perfect and what they are doing is pretty normal. I get that from this board too.

I wonder if men ever talk to their friends about what their kids are doing. My DH gets so worked up about everything. I think if he knew what was normal and what wasn't, maybe he would be more understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 11:44am

Well, my DH always chooses only the positive to talk about. For example, I recently heard him go on about DS2(19) being on the golf team to someone we just met. Uh, yeah, one year in middle school! The way it came across was that he was some star golfer on the high school varsity, KWIM?

Likewise, it sounds like the guys he hangs with are in this vein as well. Even DH got a chuckle about the guy whose DD moved to New York to be closer to her BF-Dh asked how that was with a girl(as we have only boys) and the guy became VERY offended, stating they had raised her Christian and she would never dream of engaging in premarital sex.

And everyone seems to have straight As and a clearly defined goal of pre med or pre law to boot!

So it may be that guys dont discuss the ups and downs but only the ups which means they miss this sense of community but also have that sense that everyone elses kid is perfect and high achieving.

Im realistic about DHs faults yet, at the same time, I suspect he isn't the only one! the concept of exaggerating the size of the caught fish came from somewhere!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:25pm
My DH will tend to be the opposite. Although he says it in a joking manner, he'll be of the kind like "you know how kids are" to a stranger. He sometimes says this in front of the kids, so to me it seems like a put down. At least if your DH is saying positive things about the kids, even if they are exaggerated, they know he is proud of them.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 12:58pm

What bothers me most is that when my H talks about any issues we're having with our girls, he gives a very disjointed skewed version. It isn't that he's completely wrong, it's just he doesn't give the WHOLE story and he usually offers his own 60-second solutions as he's telling the story, as if he's embarrassed to admit we're having trouble and needs to assure his audience that he's "got it covered" so no need to think anything bad. I just stand there and wonder why he ever even spoke about it at all if he's not really saying anything worthwhile or telling the whole story.

The worst is when he's talking to HIS family. They are my dds' step family so there isn't that warm and fuzzy feeling anyway, so when he gives his version of anything, I KNOW they hang up thinking, "wow, her kid is such a basket case". For instance, with dd17's recent suicidal thoughts, he told his sister that she wasn't feeling well and wound up in the hospital but he really couldn't explain exactly what was going on because in all honesty, H wasn't really taking any of it seriously. He even rolled his eyes when I said I was taking her in. H thinks he has excellent communication skills, but just about everyone we know says that they are never sure what he means and they all hate that he makes little to no eye contact while speaking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:04pm
Sounds like a fun time!
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 1:31pm

Feeling isolated from the very people you need can be heart breaking, I know. I feel the same way lately. One of my dearest friends simply does not know what to say or how to make it better, which is understandable. I have a tendency to speak with her about dd's struggles less so than with my other friend whom I am close with.

I think it's important to celebrate the memorable and fantastic moments but it is equally important to have at least one friend you can really let your hair down with and just cry or vent about how miserable you feel, kwim? often, going through times like these makes it clearer who your real friends are, doesn't it?

Hugs Pam.