Grades and consequences (long)

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Registered: 04-01-2004
Grades and consequences (long)
4
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 2:46pm

I'd love to get some feedback. My 16-year-old stepdaughter moved in with us full time last summer. She is basically a good kid. To the best of our knowledge, she doesn't smoke, drink, or sleep around. She is well groomed, she has friends, engages in school activities, and is pleasant to be around at least half the time. However, she has problems with responsibility. She is often late to school and appointments. She is fully capable of getting straight A's in school, or close to it; she was tested for the gifted program when she was in elementary school. However, since entering high school her grades have been marginal (she's a junior now). She has about a 2.9 GPA. She may get A's and C's on any given report card. Mostly she just doesn't do the work. After telling us all week that she has no homework, suddenly at 7 p.m on Sunday night she'll start work on a major project or paper that's due the next day. Even in the classes she should ace, like English, her grades are pulled down because of missing assignments and unexplained absences. Currently she has an F in math and is facing having to retake the class in order to graduate.

DH and I differ on how this should be handled. He thinks she should just face the long-term consequences, namely that she won't have many choices of colleges to attend. But no matter how many times we tell her that she won't be able to attend a private or out-of-state school with her current grades, she still keeps focusing on those schools.

I feel like there should be some consequences now, besides just getting a talking-to. For example, she comes home from school and turns on the TV. Many evenings she goes to her boyfriend's soccer games or other social activities. (My rule for our kids is no TV until homework is done, and no social activities on school nights, but the rules don't seem to apply to her.) I feel like anyone who is pulling an F in math has no right to be going out on a school night. DH says that if he asks her if she has homework and she says no, forcing her to stay home won't do any good. I say that it at least gives her the opportunity to do the work if she gets bored enough, and also it just sends a bad message to give her the same privileges we'd give a kid who is working hard in school. She also hides her report cards, and we only find out her grades by calling the school or checking the floor of her room for evidence. Again, no consequences for this.

We're also at odds about the car issue -- she has her license, and she did get a job to pay for insurance, and now she thinks we should buy her a nice car to drive. I think she should get DH's old car and he should get the nice car. DH says we could buy her a "beater," but his definition of "beater" is a $10,000 car. Again, I feel like it sends the wrong message to buy a nice car for someone who hasn't yet demonstrated the level of responsibility I would expect. On the other hand, it would save us a lot of driving if she did have a car.

What do you think? Are we letting her get away with murder, or should we be thankful that she's not in worse trouble than she is and leave things alone?

Scarlet

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 4:39pm
Hi, my DD (16) tends to be the same way. At this point, I am convinced that kids are born a certain way... now of course we need to keep them on track but as far a motivating them to do better in school when it just doesn't seem that important to them... I just don't know. DS would be disappointed with himself if he didn't get a 3.75 GPA, where DD is happy with 2.9. She says she doesn't WANT to work any harder; it's good enough and she will still get into college. I reminded her that it would be nice if she could get some scholarships. But this is a girl who seems to have to learn by making a lot of mistakes. When she is still paying for college 10 years from now, she might think about those scholarships. There is only so much a parent can do. If you've gotten across to her that at least getting grades good enough to get her into college, then I'd let things go. Start reviewing what each college requires though. I did that with DD. She found out that the private college was a little more selective and although she could make it, she would have to start busting her rear-end. She decided she didn't really want to go there if that was the case. I do have to say, I was the same way as a teen and as a college student. I did go on to land some pretty good jobs and currently run my own personal training business... because these were things I WANTED. Hope your DD (and mine) see it that way too.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:37pm

I know how you feel, my ds19 could never be described as an "over-achiever". I always had the hardest time with it, because when I was in school, I was always devastated if I made anything under an A. Well, until my senior year that is, when I got a *really* bad case of senior-itis. :) With my ds19, I had to step back and just let him make his mistakes. Granted, he always did enough to not fail, but I know he could've done much better. It just wasn't a priority with him. Perhaps if your SDD has to give up some of her summer in order to retake her math in summer school, she might be a little more motivated next year.

I really like the idea of printing out all the requirements for admission for each college she is interested in. Hi-lite the grade requirements, any extra-curricular activities, and any community service requirements they have so she will be sure to see it. Or have her research it with you on the internet.

Part of me worries about the difference in "rules" for her and the other kids. You don't say how old the other kids are, but they will eventually notice the difference (if they haven't already). My thing would be that there are "house rules" and they should be applied equally across the board, regardless of whose kid is whose. You and DH may need to sit down and re-evaluate those rules and come up with some that you are both happy with, and that can be applied to all the kids.

As for the car, I'm a firm believer that the 1st car ought to be a beater. However, since she will be a senior this next year, and obviously (?) off to college the next, you might consider getting her a reasonable decent car if she is planning on being out on the road to school. If DH's old car is in good condition and road-worthy, then that would be perfectly alright for her to have. Again, you and DH need to sit down and decide what expenses are going to be hers and which are going to be yours and then stick with it. Write it down contract style if you have to and have everyone sign it. (That can be used with the house rules too, btw)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:51pm

Be sure you are clear in your own mind on the difference between what she needs to graduate and what she needs for college. There is frequently a big difference and I think we as parents lose credibility when we threaten the wrong consequences

IOW she may only need 2 years of math to graduate-check-I was rather appalled at how low grad requirement are at our high school because my recollection is of college prep

Retaking that math class next year may not change anything and she is probably aware of that and knows half a dozen people in the same boat(BTDT)

Go over the requirements for the colleges she hopes to attend. Point out that they are minimum requirements, not a guarantee of admission

My senior was sure he would get into his first choice college as his ACTs were top 3%. HIs grades, although not bad, were not stellar(low, low B)

He didnt make it in. HIs counselor was so surprised he wanted him to call the school and question it!! There are plenty of kids out there who ARE high achievers and thats what these colleges want IMO.

DS had his award ceremony yesterday. He was a State Scholar, won a Prairie State Award, and also a third award for 'merit potential'

These were all based on test scores, not grades

Fast forward to the scholarship section and the names of the kids who won scholarships were often not in the award section. IOW they won those scholarships based on the difficulty of the classes they chose to take and the grades they achieved. It had nothing to do with test scores or IQ. Agree or disagree, it is the way it is

Anything you can do to help her see that is great but...good luck!

I wish guidance counselors would pull data from the kids who did or did not get into certain desired colleges(like my son), remove the identifying tags, and show these kids
the reality as well as the reality of the kids who DID get in(probably 4.6 on a 4.0 scale with every AP credit that exists)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:39pm
Scarlet
Best wishes on this one....I know how you feel. DS(17) is graduating at the bottom of his class and he is identified as gifted. I am just thrilled that finally the stupid
arguments about homework and grades are over for the time being. He refused to use a
planner and then forgot deadlines constantly. He would lie to us that his homework was
done and then he'd play on the computer for hours.
He wants to work for a year before he goes to college which is fine with me. Yes, I resent using any portion of my retirement funds for college when he easily could have
gotten a scholarship if he'd made the slightest effort. It all boils down to parents trying to control their kids and them resisting it. You just can not make a kid do their homework. You can hover over them and they'll "forget" to turn it in. Or they'll lie and say they did it already.
Community colleges are a safety net for kids who bail on their grades in high school.
What I never wanted to lose was the connection with my kid, but that was not helped by
his consistent lying about homework. What I think is alarming about kids nowadays is their sense of "entitlement".....they want the goodies without working for them.
By all means set limits, and the car is a great carrot to hold out for someone not bringing up the grades.
Hang in there
lg