Grades aren't my business?
Find a Conversation
Grades aren't my business?
| Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:00am |
Speaking of "trying things on for size" (previous post), DD(16) has this evening informed me that her grades are her affair and she would appreciate my not looking them up online through the school website.
-Background -
DD is an A - B (occasional C) student. I have no issue with her grades or her ability to take responsibility for said grades. I don't make a habit of incessantly checking her grades or her progress. This issue came up because DD asked me to e-mail her teacher to provide permission for a field trip. The e-mail address is located in the school web site grades postings.
I noticed a D in Chemistry. I asked DD about it and she told me it was due to a two day illness creating missed daily assignments including a test that she has made arrangements to make up. All this is legitimate. She WAS sick, and I know that especially in this school, missing work can easily turn an A into an F. I am confident she will correct this back into the A/B range.
So...what do you think of this.... "request"?
-Background -
DD is an A - B (occasional C) student. I have no issue with her grades or her ability to take responsibility for said grades. I don't make a habit of incessantly checking her grades or her progress. This issue came up because DD asked me to e-mail her teacher to provide permission for a field trip. The e-mail address is located in the school web site grades postings.
I noticed a D in Chemistry. I asked DD about it and she told me it was due to a two day illness creating missed daily assignments including a test that she has made arrangements to make up. All this is legitimate. She WAS sick, and I know that especially in this school, missing work can easily turn an A into an F. I am confident she will correct this back into the A/B range.
So...what do you think of this.... "request"?

Pages
My guess is reading specialist is about 50-52, has a dd in college, and a ds in senior year at our HS. I think she's just trying to give me a break! So far, dh is doing what he can, and it's now his job to clear up the current geometry fiasco - I'm running away from that one (haven't looked at the book since Sept). We'll see...
Sue
Thanks for all of your thoughts.
My post was not really whether or not this was my business; it obviously is, but rather her thought process and motivation to leave me out of it. Ever since getting her drivers license and a job, she’s exhibited a boost of independence. Kind of leaves ‘ol daddio in the dust doesn’t it?
Teens up through high school usually have fairly controlled lives. For the most part they are told where they have to be and what they have to do. So it follows that I’m not really surprised at the occasional declaration that “This is my stuff. Not your problem. Get out of it”. DD seems to be following a normal and fairly typical path of independence from me even if it seems to be going faster than I’d like. I admit my first gut reaction to her statement was thinking, “Who in the HE** do you think you are”, yet after more thought I’m inclined to at least give her an audience on this issue.
She wasn’t snotty or nasty. In her own adolescent round-about way I think she was telling me “I can handle this without your help, monitoring or nagging thank-you-very-much.”
But...she needs to understand the difference between showing an interest and wanting to control. I often think once they grasp this simple concept, they pass through to the other side......and become tolerable human beings. :-)
D
I like thinking of these pushes against parents as growing independence - it's the push/pull that teens and parents have done for ages!
But that dust stings the ego (what?! your life isn't totally entwined in mine,your loving parent?)
If from my post you concluded that I'm in regular contact with DS17s teachers about his grades, I guess I should go take a communications class. While I DID go to fall parent-teacher conferences, I never questioned any teacher about his grade; but only asked for advice on what he should do to improve. Was told by the calc teacher that he needs to take notes--DS and a friend never do. I followed up with DS.
Can't remember the last time I asked a teacher, "Why is his grade this low?"--probably never did. DS23 went through college without my knowing the name of a single professor so I don't think I'd drive any of them crazy. Never saw his grades until the semester ended,and he had his share of disappointing ones.
I will continue to let the teachers know that I'm a concerned parent, and that I expect my son to follow the rules in school; that I support the teachers. And I'll continue to check the PIV and to ask DS about his grades, why assignments are late, etc. Every mistake he makes (and every one I make) is a chance for us to talk about the choices he'll be making the rest of his life. I usually don't make it a long lecture, just a few statements and thought-provoking questions back and forth. And I'm doing it now because I know that when he's away at college, I will be out of the picture except for sending the $.
The adult life technically goes from 18 to 100+, and frankly I think childhood deserves to be a bigger chunk of our lives, cuz a lot of that long adulthood can be pretty depressing. From the other posts here it seems that some of us let our kids be kids a little longer than others. Maybe it's okay because each of our kids is an individual, and they should not all be expected to suddenly be self-sufficient the day they turn 18. The way we think has to do with the way WE were raised. The star-shaped cookies are as good as the santa cookies.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I had to smile when I read "some of us let our kids be kids a little longer than others. " coz in some ways my kids are "kids" a lot longer than many, but in others, they are expected to take responsibility for themselves at a younger age than many.
J left home less than a month after high school graduation to join the army, came back at 19 when he was discharged due to a slow healing injury in training, and has been here ever since, going to school some, working in construction some, and working on getting back in the army. But he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases, just as he would in his own apt., with the only requirements being he cleans up after himself, lets me know if he won't be home for dinner or if he isn't coming home at night.
S stayed here until shortly after he turned 20 and enlisted in the USMC... now only comes home on leave. But until he enlisted, he always worked, paid his own bills, went to school some, and lived by the same rules J has.
Z went to army basic training at 17, between his junior and senior year of hs, graduated high school, went back to the army for training, and is currently at home working construction until he can transfer from reserves to regular active duty army. At 19, he has the same rules as the other boys had after they graduated from high school.
So in as much as they live at home longer than most kids do, they're kids longer than some. But they've always been 100% responsible for their own bills, their own schedules, and their own lives even though they're under my roof... and were pretty much expected to be responsible for themselves as seniors in high school too. That was easier for Z after having spent the summer with the army than it was for J or S, but they all did it pretty much successfully.
N is 15 1/2, has been working for a year already washing dishes in a local resteraunt, manages her own schedule, her own grades and her own job schedule with little or no interferance or checking up from me... but she gets good grades, has good attendance at work and school, and her boss would love to have a dozen more kids working for her like N, so I see no need to be more involved unless she shows that she's not being so responsible. And to a certain extent, she's backslid a little with school work since she's been with T, so I'm checking a little more closely now.
Though as you said, each kid is an individual and as parents I think we end up adjusting our style by our kids' needs. If I had given J or S the same amount of independence at 15 that N has.... well I shudder to think what would have happened! As a sophomore she's about as independent as they were as seniors.
Rose
It continues to amaze me on Parents of Teens, that I find my DD's twin living in other parents' homes. BTDT with DD this school year; DD who has always been a A-B honor class student, came home with 3 A's & 1 C. I did not "flip my wig" as DD so eloquently named my sincere parental concern in the past; I merely asked what she might find so challenging in this one class...Geometry. DD indicated that she just didn't find Geometry interesting, "I mean really mom, when will I use this stuff (congruent figures and bi-secting angles). I had to agree and regretfully admitted that Geometry was the only class in which I ever made a C. These words would come back to haunt.
DH would like me to note that he pointed out to DD that he has used Geometry several times and to her benefit he might add. (He built our home and reminded her without Geometry and his knowledge of said subject she would not be residing in her castle of a room). He received an Oscar worthy eye roll for his remarks.
DD declared that she would handled it and apply herself, really she was 16yo and it was her responsibility! Next report came and the grade was a lower C than before and another class dropped a grade. I promptly conferenced with teachers and DD (I wish grades were available online in our school system). To summarize DD was missing a few assignments and not preparing for exams as she should.
It is difficult to balance their desire for independence with our need to influence factors that will affect them later on in life. The parental conudrum!! Happy Parenting
I think you have achieved a pretty good balance between letting your kids be adults and being responsible for them and it seems to have worked out. I don't expect our 2 older girls to be going into the military, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they go to college. IN a way, they are independent and want to do everything for themselves (except pay the bills) but then sometimes they don't act like adults (like not cleaning up after themselves).
OUr school doesn't have grades posted on line. Of course, we get mid-term progress reports that list every grade, which parents have to sign, and then the report cards, which parents also have to sign. So we have to be involved. I have been really lucky w/ my DD, who is a senior. She is really motivated to do well in school, so I have not had to nag her or watch over her to get her to do the work. If she decided not to put so much effort into work or not to study so much, that's her problem. She had en English teacher last year who was voted "strictest teacher in the school." I would go over her papers before she handed them in to check for typos, grammar, etc. The directions were 4 pages long and worse than any college course I had. I had AP English all 4 yrs. in h.s. and I thought this teacher was just ridiculous. My DD has had an A in English all through school and I think she's a very good writer. DD actually saved some of the papers because they literally had red marks through every sentence. I think she did end up w/ a B or B- but the effect was that this teacher totally discouraged her from even doing any work in English cause no matter what, it wasn't good enough. However, I never talked to this teacher even though I would have liked to give her a piece of my mind, because I think that's one of those life lessons. IN college, she might get a bad prof and in work, she might get a bad boss. You just have to learn to deal.
But back to the topic and on the other hand, my DH was really hands off (too much so) when it came to his DD, who's now a junior. "Did you do your HW?" "Yes" end of conversation. He never went to the parent-teacher confs. because DSD would conveniently forget to bring home the signup sheet. Well, last quarter, she failed science (and not the first class she has failed) so he decided that he is going to monitor every assignment and asked the teacher to write him a note every week to say how she is doing and if she has missed any assignments. W/ a student like that, you have to keep on them because she is not motivated to do the work herself.
YOur N15.5 sounds llike my DS one year ago. I rarely asked if he had homework or paid attn to his grades, except asking him "how'd the test go?" or something like that. Suddenly, things changed and he's just not motivated. Have to admit, he's got tougher classes now than he's had before, but he still averages less than 2 hrs of homework a night--it's probably closer to 1 hour. He just needs to know that he's not a genius, and he needs to study more now, and he'll have to study a whole lot more when he gets to college. And I have to keep on him while I've got him.
Sounds like your sons are responsible and I wouldn't say that returning to live at home makes them kid-like. It's just common sense when considering the cost of living separately. But HOW can you let them come and go as they please? DS23 used to drive me nuts when he came home for breaks or for the summer and stayed out until 2 or 3, then came home and rummaged through the kitchen making all kinds of noise; and I'm a sound sleeper. He's been permanently on his own now for almost a year, and I'm still clearing out the stuff he's left behind. You must have trained your guys right!
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Pages