growing up... and too fast??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
growing up... and too fast??
19
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 8:45am

my dd is 15... will be 16 in 3 weeks... she has had this bf 17 on/off for several months.
we had many issues with this boy a he seems to have depression/anger issues and "hates" his family (who are nice people) - he also dislike people and most of my dd friends, save for a few and of course dislikes my dd parents - us.. we also found out he is VERY manipulative.
In june.... my dd called his mom as he was threatening "to end his life" over a text between my dd and her 1 friend that he does like. my dd called his mom and they seemed to have a major fight... she was angry and upset and my dd got asked to leave their carpool as his mom was driving them and did not want to "upset" her son and support his decision not to be in the car with her and wanted to walk to school
my dd told me the truth was he did not want to be in the car with his mother. lots of issues.

my problem -
for the last couple of months she has been going over to his house,to help him when he is "down" or upset and i found out they are going up to his room - with the door closed. I told her i did not like that. she told me that sometimes he cries and did not want his mother to see him like that. I know his mom, and once suggested that the door should not be closed, and she assured me that she goes up and checks on them from time to time, and at that time -i really did not believe anything was going on - except for close friends and maybe a kiss or two....

Well, Saturday - my dd left an AIM message window open and my husband and I saw 2 discussions that we did not like - at all
1- was with her Bf...discussing on "how good it was last night" and how she "wanted to do more but did not feel so good" (she ended up with a fever later that night) and something about lying together in bed !!!!!! WELL... boy am i stupid... i did NOT see this coming.
2- conversation with Girlfriend (the one he likes) and about the two girls kissing and stuff for money... that he has alot of money and he offered them money and what they would do with the money and what they would spend it on.. AND how to get the clothes passed their parents eyes!!!! passing them off as b-day presents!!

My husband & I originally liked the boy - he is smart and seemed nice.. BUT the more we know, the more we hear.. WE do NOT like HIM... He does not say hello to US... AND he does not want to come over to our house because WE ARE THERE..
Previously we let him come over when we were not home to help dd study or with a project and usually they did just that... but recently he does not want to come over _ IF we are home!!!
He told my dd that his shrink (going to since suicide discussion) are overbearing parents and that are parenting skills need work!! He also tells our dd that he would love to argue with her father and can't trust himself from saying anything - that;s why he doesn';t want to come over.. truth is - he is a VERY QUIET boy that is he all talk.. But he tells her that she is 16 and should be able to do what she wants- when she wants.... she is caught between us, and doing the right thing.. and him...and doing what HE wants.

On sunday - he did not want to come over. My dd suggested that they go for a walk. He was all set to come over..and then tell our dd she has to come over, as he is too weak to walk, and that his mother will drive him (around the block??) but her parents need to help him out of the car and into the house??! We said IF he was that weak.. he should stay home...y dd feels like she is in a tug of war. I asked her if she was "in love" and she said no. used to be but too much drama now.

Last night.. my dd asked to see him, and again we said fine - here. He said that he would come over IF we did not sit in the room with them.... My dd sugested they go to the park across the street... then we were told - there were TOO MANY PEOPLE in the PARK!!... He does not look my husband in the eye - which really bothers my husband - and he does not acknoledge us or says HI - he grunts.... so they sat in the living room, while i helped my husband in the backyard. Several times i had to go into the house and caught glimpses of them ... at one point they did not even know i was there -they were making out so much.. another my dd had her legs draped over his lap and was half sitting on him... they moved when i came into the house..

oK OK...I know she is 16 - but our dislike of him is also clouding our perception - i am sure... I wish she was in a nice happy relationship but this guy is always grumpy, and NEVER does anything.. and she is now not doing anything because he doesn't. She stopped ice skating - because he doesn't . She stopped tennis.. because he doesn;t HE does nothing. he only wants to sit in his room or swim at a swim meet...

For over an hour last night - i could not decide if i should break them up or not.. my husband was also getting angry but did not want to fight with her..we discussed making rules and trying covertly to keep her busy and away from him as much as possible.

Parents.... it's been along time for us... and we have only 1 child... but are we too strict?? Is 16 the age for making out and doing nothing else...
i don;t feel that he cares for her either.... one of his AIM messages stated "how horny is was"...

Am i too concerned... do i need to lighten up .... or get stricter..
I could not sleep last night.. HELP!
Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 10:52am

I would go toward the "get stricter" side and I think I'm a pretty lenient parent. I don't have rules like "you can't date til you're 16" or anything like that. I also know that kids will certainly make out but you try to inhibit them from going any further. I know that my almost 15 yr old DS does kiss his GF but I do not allow them to be in the house together when I'm not home and when I am home, they aren't allowed in his room together, even w/ the door open--I don't want to have to run up there all the time to check on them. There is no reason for them to go upstairs since they can watch TV or use the computer downstairs. And if I'm in the house & it gets really quiet, then I'll be going into that room. If they were draped all over each other while I was home, I'd probably go right into the room and tell them to knock it off. Since this boy has already mentioned things like them lying in bed & being horny, I don't think I'd let her go to his house at all. I also hope you are talking a lot w/ her about sex & telling her that you would take her to get b.c. if she needs it.

Now I would say all that if this guy was your nice normal BF. The fact that he seems depressed and stops her from doing her usual activities--well, I don't know if you can actually "break them up" but I'd try to limit their time together. Have you talked to her about the issues you see w/ him? Like the depression, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be w/ people? I'd want to find out what she thinks about that. I think I'd point out that she doesn't do her former interests just because he doesn't like to do things and ask her if she thinks that's a good relationship, where one person has to change what they like to do because the other person doesn't like it, or whether a better relationship would be where the other person tries your interests or, if they really don't like to skate, for example, at least they would encourage you to keep doing what you like. I know this is a difficult age but I think the best thing is to do a lot of talking about relationships and what makes a healthy one--you could use people on TV or other friends as examples. Good luck on this one.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:15am

No way should you 'lighten' up.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:24am

Are you TOO strict??? PLEASE!! You let your dd have a boyfriend in the house when you were not home, and believed whatever blather they told you. When you found out your dd & her bf were in HIS bedroom with the door closed, you told her you didn't LIKE that. You ONCE SUGGESTED, to the boy's mom, that the door should not be closed. The BOYFRIEND makes demands (he would come over IF we did not sit in the room with them), and you GO ALONG with them (they sat in the living room while YOU were in the backyard). You saw them crawling all over each other, and said and did NOTHING. You DISCUSSED making rules and trying COVERTLY to keep her busy. AND, to put the icing on the cake, you found out on SATURDAY that they were lying together in his bed having a swell old time, and that he would PAY dd and her gf to act out his sex fantasies, and the VERY NEXT DAY you let her go over to his house because he is too weak to walk?!?, and the NEXT day, you allow him to crawl all over your dd in your living room while YOU sit in the backyard.

I don't know how to nicely say this-- You need a brain and a backbone. You need to demand respect. You don't DISCUSS making rules; you MAKE THEM. You don't SUGGEST what your dd should be doing; You TELL her. You do not SUGGEST that his parents supervise better--you simply do NOT allow her to go to the boy's house. You do NOT let your dd or her bf tell you what to do in your own house. You TELL HER what kind of behavior you will, and will NOT allow in your home. You do NOT ask a 15yo if she is "in love"--that just ENCOURAGES this whole situation.

*MY* dds(two) were NOT ALLOWED to have boys in our house when we were not home. Hell, they weren't allowed to have GIRLFRIENDS in our house when we weren't home until they were 13 or 14, and by then our kids were babysitting OTHER kids, alone in their homes--so we KNEW they were responsible. When we WERE home, and boys (not even boyFRIENDS) were over, they stayed in public areas of the house(kitchen/family room/pool/deck), and we were ALWAYS in in and out. They weren't allowed to "date" until they were 16. There were NO PDA's in our house, and feet stayed on the FLOOR. They would not have been allowed to give up activities just because a BOYFRIEND didn't like them--but that never came up. Our dds were involved in band, marching, drama, dance, art and other extracurricular activities. They worked, beginning with babysitting at 12. They participated in volunteer work. We did not COVERTLY TRY to keep them busy; they HAD to be busy. They "hung out" with a GROUP of kids who were similarly involved, and we knew the friends AND THEIR PARENTS well. They did NOT go to the houses of kids whose parenting or supervision we did not agree with. And all these rules and expectations began when our kids were quite young, so that by the time they got to be in HS, they were second nature. Your problem is trying to close the barn door after the horse has escaped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:53am

I hate to break it to you but given the opportunity, teens WILL have sex...so don't give them the opportunity.

I was the teen who would have sex with her boyfriend in the parental home, sometimes with mom still home (and oblivious).

Our rule will also be no girls (I have a DS) in the house when parents not home, and no girls in the bedroom EVER (I don't care if the door stays open...not happening).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:55am

Thank you SO Much...

I did not think i was too crazy...

But there are SO MANY Lax parents here that it is making ME look like i am a tyrant living in the 1950's....

Thank you for all your information.... i did need it.

Did you know when your daughter started to makeout- would you have said something?? I am trying to figure out - WHAT to say..
I know kissing and "experimenting" is normal.. but isn't 16 too much too fast??? She will be 16 shortly. Do i stop them ??
Can you advise me from your past? You obviously did well.

P.S... My goal is not to break them up (although i would like that)
I am just not sure how i feel about HIM and the whole situation and my feelings in general..
Maybe it would be better if i were AMISH... i would know my rules.

i will admit.. my first and only child.. and i am not sure what kind of parent i am... and what ARE my rules??
It was much easier with children. ,, Don't touch.. don't go there.

TEENS ARE WORK!!!! and mine...was easy up untill this year!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:09pm

First of all - i think you are coming off a bit too arrogant.

YOU are not in this situation... and it NOT one i would have thought I would be In EITHER!! BEWARE of what advice YOU GIVE... DO NOT open your mouth and JUDGE TOO QUICK.

My dd is a High Honor Roll kid with lots of after school activities and an ace at Soccer both HS and Travel AND she is a social butterfly with LOTS of girlfriends. She is a good kid who has met a creep who she has known as a friend since 4th grade.. This is NOT a stranger and on all accounts before we really got to know his DARK side just recently. He is an High Honor Roll A student who just got a 2400 on his SAT's.. He has been on several game shows for kids who are genius' - but that's his problem he is too smart for himself.
These rules of his and his new attitude -just started at the end of May/June. MY dd thought she would help him while he was depressed and she is being manipulative.

While we are NOT as strict as you may think,,, we are NOT that Lax either.... and in our group... we are the stricker ones.

You say your daughter is allowed to date at 16 - MY dd is not allowed till 17..

Do you KNOW what your daughter was DOING on HER DATE...

Unless you were there... you do not know..

YOU trust your kid... as i did mine...

YOU MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE TOO....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:18pm

Thanks for your post -

I do constantly talk to her about healthy relationships and how i want her to take things slow.... she is either not listening - or as most kids.... doing what she wants to do - or think she wants to do..

I think at first she was elated how much he "needed" her and she "helped" him since he did not have much to live for. He hates everything.

I have talked to her about birth control and she knows my feeling about waiting - at least until college.. and she does agree -when she is not heated -i guess..

i also wonder if i liked him more - would i feel different???

I am so on the fence between what is normal and young.. and too fast too far...

Thanks again.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 1:58pm

If your dd is not allowed to "date" until 17, what is she doing at 15 with a boyfriend, in whose bed she lays, and who crawls all over her when she is in your house? By "date", *I* mean that my dds did not have boyfriends till after they were 16. They did NOT spend any time ALONE with boys, anywhere --my house, their house, the park, the mall-- till after they were 16, and they had shown their judgment and behavior could be trusted. And God knows, I would never have allowed my 15yo dd to "help" a depressed 17yo boy, alone in our house, or his bedroom!

My girls were not "social butterflies". They were active, involved kids who had a group of friends --both boy and girls-- who were also active and involved, and all of whom were much too busy (not to mention not allowed) to "hang out" ALONE with kids of the opposite sex, even AFTER they were 16.

From the time my kids were young, if we did not like a friend or the way a friend's parents supervised, we simply said NO, you cannot go over there. We would allow the friend to come to OUR house, where they could be supervised, but if they were nuts, rude, disrespectful, or broke our rules, they were never allowed back. That's what happened at 6, 16, and 26.

My kids were/are VERY close and open with us. Their FRIENDS were/are, too, because they would DO things with us--cook, or craft, or play cards, or work on the cars--and they were free to talk and ask questions about ANYTHING, but they knew they had boundaries. No disrespect of us or each other, no drinking, smoking, or sex in our house.

And yes, I pretty much DO know what happened on my kids' dates, because until the kids were out of HS, the dates were group dates, with a bunch of people whose rules, values, and parenting, we knew and trusted. Neither of my dds had sex, or drank, till after they were out of HS. By THEIR choice, as well as our wishes. I trusted my daughters, but I was not naive. Trust, but verify. REMOVE the "near occasion of sin". Make sure they AND their friends CARE that Mom and Dad will KILL THEM, if they break the rules.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 3:30pm

The problem is, that you can NOT stop her 100% from seeing him, or being alone with him, or even having sex with him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 4:05pm

<<>>>

True that! At the HS that I attended in the 80's there was an alcove where all kinds of hijinks went on between teen lovers right during the school day.

<<>>

FWIW, I so agree.

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