growing older

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Registered: 09-19-2006
growing older
8
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:20pm
Does anyone else out there find it hard to realize that your sons/daughters are soon to be 18? I have 3 girls all teens, and my middle one is soon to be 18. Now they really start dealing with adult issues, and I have always been very honest and open with all subjects. But now i almost feel like I really have to let go a bit, but she still tells me so much stuff which I'm grateful for she still confides in me. All 3 have never really given me any reason to be worried, just the usual teenage stuff.
My oldest is away in college, but this one does not want to go away, her ACT wasn't that great, and not really sure what she wants to do, so she will prob. attend the community college a few towns over. I almost wish she were, so i don't have to deal with the daily worry of curfew,making sure she is actually going to her classes, poss. drinking, poss. sexual activity in the home etc.,( has a 18 yr.old bf). I know this sounds awful to wish she were going away, i love all 3 of my girls, please don't misunderstand. Its just that I still have a 15 yr.old at home and I'm really trying to make sure she too stays on the straight path., but of course, eyes and ears are wide open+ impressionable.
Any advice on how to keep my worry and sanity in check? I almost feel like alot of the issues with the girls is all on me, because they always reveal things to me, not their Dad, because of how much closer me and the girls are. I love them all , but honestly sometimes it gets mentally exhausting, even though its just the usual teenage stuff.
Sorry to complain, I just wonder if I'm the only one who sometimes honestly feels like I do?
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Registered: 07-31-2003
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:30pm
I understand totally. DS18 often talks about moving out but of course it wont happen at the rate he's going with only working part-time somewhere and showing no interest in anything else including school. I too am tired of worrying about him getting up for work on time, whether his clothes and room are clean, waiting for him to come home at night, etc AND the thought of going thru it all again with DS14 is enough to make me want to run from the room screaming!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:44pm

On the one hand we want them to think for themselves, and then we get pi$$ed when they do!! LOL - just kidding. I think just about each of one us can relate to how you feel.

I am either filled with tremendous joy and pride when my now 19dd makes an adult decision that truly exemplifies what I've tried to instill in her. And for every smart choice she makes, she can usually back it up with a completely irresponsible, adolescent choice! Not always, but often enough that I scratch my head in wonder.

My 17dd, FOR YEARS, has been lecturing to me "when I turn 18/when I graduate, I'm moving to NY and going to live near my dad's family" and for years I tried to turn a deaf ear. It's not that I have anything against my exh's family and if she eventually wants to move near to them, that's her choice and I wish her well (she doesn't realize that when it's not Christmas or vacation time, they all have lives to keep up with and it won't be all fun and games). However, she's incredibly impulsive due in part to a brain disorder and her immaturity and she's on medication that I STILL have to wake her at midnight to take because she forgets before she goes to bed. I still have to nag her to shower and brush her teeth and wears dirty clothes sometimes 2-3 days in a row. Now, the cleanliness thing certainly won't kill her, but not taking her meds could - or someone else! The point is that this particular child is not ready to fly yet. Her wings are simply not able to support the winds of real life.

And FINALLY, finally, she's admitted that she is not ready to be on her own and leave home just yet.

Like you, I very often dream of the days when my house will be MY house, my money will be MY money and my food will be MY food, and my life will go according to MY schedule, with ease and *hopefully* snagfree. I've put that dream on hold for at least another 4-5 years. It stands to figure that dd17 will probably be with us for a few more years than originally anticipated (she's a senior in HS). She simply needs more support and guidance - she needs a place to land and we're it. And she's finally accepted it...well, at least this week anyway. She will go to a local school after HS when and if (yes, IF) she graduates from HS and live at home. She will have to work PT and attend some type of trade/tech school to learn a skill she can use to support herself. She is not interested in a 4-year school or college and I will not waste money forcing her to go. H thinks we should make her go = I won't agree to that, pouring good money after bad is not the way I want to prepare for my retirement unless she's willing to put in the effort and she's not.

Wow, that kind of turned into a little mini vent! Haha - anyway, yes, shabbychic - totally get where you are coming from!

Oops - I edited to add that my dd is in counseling and it's integral for ME also because I get to speak with the counselor to voice my concerns and garner support to face all the worries I have, in particular with dd17. It's important to have someone that you can talk to who understands and will not judge you. As much as most of us are in the same boat with our kids, there are some parents out there who won't discuss it honestly.




Edited 1/11/2007 2:51 pm ET by heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 4:52pm


I think I began mentally preparing myself for that when my ds turned 17, just 3 months ago!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 4:59pm

I understand it. Just last week I was watching a TV show about a young couple and the mom was young and dealing with all her problems, and it's like it hit me... she's YOUNG! She didn't look much older than my DD14. This week DH and I were trying to teach the girls a lesson on budgets and how money doesn't always go far and it hit me that these children do not understand just what the basics cost and how to ensure they'll get them. Minimum wage is not much at all, and unless you go to college you can't get much more than that at a lot of places. And, it's going to be difficult for them to make ends meet when they grow up and move away from home. And, even if they go to college, who's to say they'll even get a job at what they studied for?

This gettin' old is for the birds! Those new aches and pains aren't too good either.

Sallie

Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:44pm

I totally understand. My older ds is 20 now and is living away from home, but let me tell you, he is NOT totally independent! Not yet, anyway. He laid out a semester of college and was suddenly responsible for lots of stuff that I usually pay for, and he really didn't like it. ;) He's back in school now. He was 19 when he moved out and part of me was sooooo ready for him to go. I love him dearly, and quite honestly, he probably cleaned the house more than I did, so in some ways I miss him. LOL Ya know, even tho' I *know* he's out carousing at night with his buddies, and I will always worry about him, it's different when you aren't listening for him to come home.

And I understand about you having a younger dd that's still at home and still impressionable (especially by an older sibling). Ds15 absolutely adores his big brother and wants to be just like him. Naturally, I talked at great length to ds20 when he was much younger about being a role model for his little bro, but well, sometimes with an older kid, it can just get tricky.

I think what finally spurned ds20 to move out was he and ds15 had both gone on a weekend trip. When they got back I said something about I got a taste of that empty-nest syndrome that I'll face when ds15 leaves when he graduates hs. Ds15 said, "naw, don't worry. Ds20 will still be here." ROFL I think his brother took offense to that because he found an apartment with a buddy in the next couple of weeks!

And whichever poster said that about not being able to wait until everything is just "hers"--her food, her clothes, etc. ME TOO!! This weekend I went to scramble me some eggs...ds15 had used them all....so was going to make cheese dip...ds15 used all the velveeta...then went to make a pb&j sandwich...ds15 had used all the pb. Which normally I don't mind, IF they TELL me they have used the last of it so I can buy more. grrrr. Oh, and the kicker...I had some cooked bacon I was going to make a sandwich out of and ds20 dropped by the house (while I was at work) and HE ate it. At least he called and told me he did. man. LOL

So, yeah, sometimes I *can't* wait til they move out. But I sure do miss 'em when they're gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: shabbychic3
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:15am

I can so relate since my DD will be 18 on 3/5. One day she said "I'll be able to do whatever I want." so of course I said (in front of 11 yo DS) "not as long as you live here. If you really want to do whatever you want, that's when you get your own apt. and are supporting yourself." I really haven't had problems w/ DD. She's a good student and she's going to college for nursing, so she should have no trouble getting a job. She was pretty surprised when I said that it would be better for everybody if she lived away at college, not that I won't miss her.

I was just talking w/ my cousin, whose girls have now graduated from college. They are both teachers and got jobs in the same school system, about an hour from their parents, so they got an apt. together. She said they came home over the holidays and the older one went out on a date and stayed out all night. When the mother said she was worried, the girl said, well, I'm almost 25 and you don't know what I'm doing when I'm in my apt. and the mother said, well that's the point. But if you're at my house, I know that you haven't come home and I worry that you were in an accident or something. We both agreed that it's better when they go away to college because they can do things like stay out very late and cause we don't know, we don't have to worry.

I will be glad for one thing, which is that when she's 18, she will be allowed to drive after midnight. Not that I want her staying out all night, but right now, I have my eye on the clock until she comes in, which might be at 11:59, or sometimes it's 12:05 or so. My DH will nag me about "doesn't she know she has to be home?" He's worse than the police. They aren't allowed to stop just on a suspicion that they are too young to be out if it's before 1:00 a.m. so unless she goes through a red light or gets in an accident, I doubt she would have a problem. I would rather have her 5 mins. late than be speeing to get home and get in an accident. And I told her if she got a ticket, she would have to pay it and it would be her problem to deal with, not mine. This will give me one less thing to worry about.

There is just such a space between my kids that she will finally be "grown up" and then I have to start the teenage years all over again. When my son turns 13, I will be 51! I don't know if I can take it.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shabbychic3
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 2:10pm

>>When my son turns 13, I will be 51! I don't know if I can take it.>>

LOL - that made me laugh so hard. My mom was 53 when I turned 13 and she had already parented 4 other kids into adulthood!! She did okay, but she sure was tired. I got away with murder...not that I wanted to. I remember when I was about 17, I had fallen in with a bad crowd. My mom pulled me OUT of school and sent me to live with my older sister, 3 states away, for 4 months. It was the best move she ever made. When I returned, I went back to school, doubled up my 11th and 12th year and graduated with my class. On the one hand, she was older than all my friend's parents, but she was waaaaay smarter than them all!!

My oldest sister is 17 years older and me, so I'm now 44 and she will be 61 next month! My mom is 84.

God Bless you - my youngest is 17 and I am sooo glad that I will be done with teenagers soon. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
In reply to: shabbychic3
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 1:44pm
You are definitely not alone on that one. My son is almost seventeen and the turmoil and angst of the last year has me oftentimes wavering between loving him sooo much, and counting the days until he is off to college.