Had a talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Had a talk
6
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:22am
Well had a talk with my dd last night with dh. I think it went alright. We didn't talk about the pill yet, which I'm going to discuss with dh first to see what he thinks. We told dd that we were uncomfortable with this new bf thing with her. We told her that there is something about him that we didn't like. Not sure what that is yet. We asked her if they were sexually active. She said no. She sounded discusted with it. But I think she's just embarrassed about the whole sex talk. Told her that we didn't want to become grandparents yet.
We have decided that we are not going to pay for the limo. That should be up to the guy, after all its his grad, not hers. We bought a dress last night. It looks real nice. Black and strapless and a little sparkly.
DD says that her bf is scared of my dh. He said to her he doesn't want to make him mad about anything. Also dh is going to talk to the bf to see whats going on with this whole hotel thing. Because as of right now, we told her she's not going. Even though there will be a few other couples there too. But there will more than likely drinking. That will be a question to bring up for sure.
I want to thank you all for the support on here. I really appreciate it. This whole teenage thing is so stressful and I have no other parents that I know with teenagers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:28am
Good for you putting your foot down! I believe you are doing the right thing. Sorry I had to laugh about her BF being afraid of DH. IMO he's afraid because he's a sneaky little skunk sniffing around your daughter and that uncomfortable feeling comes from your DH being on to him. He was afterall, a teenaged boy himself once. LOL!! Stay afraid young man....very afraid of Daddy!! Betty

Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: puglover71
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 12:14pm

Betty,

I'm laughing over here. I was a single mom when my daughter was a teen. I am only 5'2". My daughters male friends were all afraid of me. When my daughter was about 20 or so, she and a group of friends from high school were hanging out one night. They asked how she ended up so short when her mom was so tall. She looked at them in confusion. All of them had been afraid of me and all thought I was like 6 feet tall. Boy did I crack up that night.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: puglover71
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:06pm

I think you did the right thing in refusing to pay for the limo, and in saying no to the hotel party. I would probably not be too concerned about your dd having sex at the hotel party (too "public" for a lot of teens) but I would be concerned that there will be alcohol and drugs there...even if your dd is not doing those things right now, when put in a situation where older kids are doing it she may feel pressured to do it to fit in or seem as sophisticated as them. We were fairly strict with our ds... his Senior Prom was held at a hotel ballroom and some of the kids got rooms in the hotel. We didn't allow him to go to any hotel parties that night even though he would be graduating a month later. He wasn't too happy but he survived.

The whole thing about her hanging out with a guy that is about to graduate makes a difficult situation for you. He and his friends are at a different stage of life than your dd. They are legally adults or about to be, and many of them will be heading off to college in a few months, so they generally have more freedom (and in some cases the parents basically stop exerting any controls) which is usually age appropriate. Then you have your dd who is **16**! She may start pressing for the freedoms of an 18yo HS grad, not a fun time for you. (depending on your state laws there may even be legal issues with that age difference if sex is involved). Maybe the best news here is that he will be going away in the fall??!

I read your earlier post and wondered about a few things: what does your dd say she is doing when she is gone all afternoon, what is her excuse for why her cell phone is turned off? How does she explain her change in behavior? Does she understand that shady behavior could make her lose your trust and consequently lose her freedom? You also said that you don't know the bf very well. How much time do they spend at your house? Does she invite him over for dinner etc so that you can get to know him or does this relationship seem to be purposely conducted away from your view?

IMO it is important to remind teens that at 16yo their relationships are still conducted within the context of the family. For that reason you expect that you will have opportunities to get to know the bf in a relaxed (for you anyway!) manner, not just 3 minutes at the door when he picks her up. It is appropriate for you to see how he treats her, how they act towards each other, how he acts towards her family members, etc. I think it could be very telling if the bf does not want to spend time at your home, telling for you and for your dd. And like others said, trust you "gut instinct". If you feel that something is not right, either about the bf personally or what your dd does when she is with him, then you are probably right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: puglover71
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:31am

I've been through (and am still going through) the whole older guy relationship thing. It is very tough and the b/f's don't understand why the girl can't have that amount of freedom. DD's b/f tried to convince her that we were controlling and manipulating her life just b/c we wanted her to stay our little girl forever. She bought it for a maybe 9 months and then she began to see the dangerous situations he was putting himself in and realized that we have our reasons - she doesn't always like it but she's better about accepting it.

Her prom was Sat night and she wasn't allowed to do the whole hotel thing either (18 - next week). She was allowed to go to one party afterwards (I know his parents well) and then straight home. she and her friends "camped" in the field. It was raining and they were too stubborn to come inside so they slept in the barn (gravel floor). DD slept in the boat. We had oldest DD's best friend and her b/f out as chaperones (24 & 25). DH made it very to DD there would be no alcohol allowed. He threatened her with all kinds of things & she knows he will follow through so I believe she respected that at least while she was on our property.

DD didn't do the limo thing either - we would have paid 1/2 of her part but that's it. It was still going to be more than the kids could afford so they borrowed my SUV and were still all able to fit together. I gave the keys to guy with the heart condition b/c I know 100% he will not drink.

Good Luck and hope all have a wonderful time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
In reply to: puglover71
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:42am
I asked dd why she didn't have her call turned on while she was gone that afternoon. She said she forgot. I really don't believe her about that. We told her the minute she walks out of this house she will have her cell turned on. We also explained that we are just concerned for her. We didn't know if she was raped, kidnapped etc. We told her to call every once in awhile. She doesn't know what to say when we coment on her acting differnt. She probably doesn't see it that way. He has been her a few times. I think the reason why they don't spend alot of time here is because she knows that we don't really agree with this whole thing. Especially since she dumped her bf of almost a year and then a few weeks later she's with this one. We told her we weren't happy that she got into another relationship so quickly. So I am really trying to be more supportive for her since I can see that he is making her happy.
As for what happens after he's done school, I don't know what he's doing. I'm alittle scared that she's going to start skipping school and mabe even drop out to spend more time with him. She has a learning disability so she hasn't had an easy school life but thats no reason to drop out either.
Thank you for your message I appreciate it.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: puglover71
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:08pm
Oh boy, Pug. A big hug to you because it sounds like you have a difficult situation on your hands. Just keep checking on DD. Let her know that when she doesn't tell you what she is up to you will assume it's not good. If she wants to be responsible and tell you what your plans are and how to reach you, then you can give her more freedom. My DD (16) had the same situation with the BF convincing her that we just wanted to control her life. He would tell her he couldn't wait until she was 18 so they could get married. He talked her out of doing well during swim season (she USED to be one of their top swimmers)... the list goes on and on. It is a self-esteem issue; hers and his. Does the BF call her all the time and try to control who she hangs out with? Those are some warning signs... he might want a younger girl so he can control her. My DD finally figured it out, but she is still not over him yet. I think she somehow appreciated an older guy "taking care" of her. Keep trying to build up DD by emphasizing her strengths. Talk about college often (or tech school). It is the best gift she could give herself. Use a relative or someone you know who dropped out of school and isn't able support themself very easily as an example. Or as my father said to me when I was a teen. He saw a pretty girl getting out of a junky car with a scraggly guy and said, "Is that what you want?"
Debbie