Handling heartbreak

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Handling heartbreak
7
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 8:22am

My DD15 is suffering through a bad breakup with her very first bf. I posted before about girls who were spreading rumors about her to try to break them up, and through a variety of means, they finally succeeded. I always had some reservations about this boy, and now I can see that he is very immature and mean as well. He is stringing her along, saying he wants to be best friends until he "figures things out", but he also wants to start dating one of those very same mean girls.

My question is...how do you, as a parent, keep yourself from getting too emotionally involved with the ups and downs of these teen relationships? This is all new to our family. My daughter has been confiding in me a fair amount and I'm trying to offer her words of wisdom without prying too much. But the whole thing with this guy is making me so darned angry, even though I'm trying not to show it too much. It's awful to watch your kid having to go through this and learn these lessons the hard way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:22am
There's really not much you can (or should) say or do.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:25am
Hello, my heart goes out to your DD, being a teen is difficult sometimes, and throwing in "mean girls" too makes one very upset! I too have 3 teen DD's, in HS and college, so many a night discussing boys, friends, problems, and it is very hard to not feel the
emotions on some situations.
Your doing the right thing by being there for her, and thankfully she is confiding in you
her hurt feelings and such. Music I feel always helps, and some "down time" with mom one on one, a shopping outing, or out to eat might help a bit. Maybe sharing a story or too about a past teen relationship you had or knew about to give some insight. But always relay to her what a great gal she is, and how she would not be like those "mean girls". Even though right now, she may not want to hear that. Unfortunately the ex BF is showing his true colors, but may be getting lost in the "peer pressure" world. I would definitely, keep teling her to remain true to herself, and not let those "meanies" get the best of her!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:42am
Thanks to you and Pam for your support! I just wrote her a letter that I am going to leave on her pillow for when she gets home, basically saying the sorts of things you suggested. It's funny how these teens communicate so much by IM and writing notes in school, etc. I decided it might be a way to offer her a little moral support and a little bit of motherly wisdom at the same time. Sometimes she misinterprets what she hears, so having it written down, she can re-read it (if she chooses to read it at all!). I guess I had forgotten how rotten some of this teenage stuff can be! Luckily, she has a lot of supportive friends. As a matter of fact, he is blaming her for trashing him to her friends because they're coming up to him at school and calling him some very unfavorable names. However, I know she has done nothing but defend him--they are calling him names because they can see what a jerk he has been, something he doesn't recognize!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:40pm

When I had my first breakup(I was 19-had switched colleges to be with this guy-we were planning to marry), my mother told me that although she realized it didnt seem like it right now, I WOULD get over it and the pain would go away.

I honestly dont know if it sunk in then but, at some point, it did and I have thought that bit of wisdom many times in my life as well as passed it on to others

It was nice to have her acknowledge how much it hurt instead of blow it off and also have someone with time and wisdom say that the pain will lessen

I see no value in saying negative things about the boy.

I dont look back at my first love with negative thoughts or hatred; it just wasnt meant to be a forever thing. Im glad I can remember it that way

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 6:15pm

I can imagine how awful this would be!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 6:52pm

If I may offer some advice?

Listen, without being judgemental. Tell her you know how much it hurts, that you are sorry she is going through this and that she always has her family to love her and support her. Let her know no matter what, you are on "her side". And leave it at that.

Don't get involved in the post-breakup drama. It will blow over before you know it. Don't criticize the boy. Just be a shoulder for her to cry on. Don't offer her words like "there are plenty of fish in the sea" and all that. She doesn't want to hear that. This is the "fish" she chose for a while so knocking him or saying she's better off is an indirect knock against her choice.

Help her find her feet and teach her to handle the situation with grace and class.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 8:04pm

I found that listening and being there is really what matters the most. I honestly could not stand daughter,Shea, ex boyfriend. He was disrespectful to her and got into trouble, and it drove me crazy that she put up with it for 2 years. But when they finally broke up for good, I listened to her and tried to be unjudgemental and she came to me. Even though he was a dirt bag, I did not outwardly put him down, I just encouraged her and was there for her. Hope things go well.

Stephanie