Harsh punishments for older teens
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:30am |
Any feelings on what I believe to be excesssive punishments for an older teen.
DD b/f is almost 19, a senior in high school. This is a good kid, no smoking, drinking, drugs, honor student, respectful. Now I don't want to make him sound like a saint, he is normal. But certainly a very good guy by anyone's standards.
I know this isn't my business, but I feel his mother is way over the top with him. First of all she had to have been snooping in his room, he has no privacy at all even at his age and has never given her any reason to snoop around. That is the first thing, privacy, shouldn't they get a little more as they get older. He will be going away to college next year.
She found a humidor with a cigar that he got when he was out one evening last fall with the coaches and his football team who played clear to one game away from going to the State Championship, an awesome accomplishment that no other team in their school history had ever done. The cigar wasn't even smoked. He has smoked cigars a couple of times in the two and half years dd has known him when he played poker with his brother and his friends. Well, she went balistic on him, he said she screamed at him all day last Sunday and then took his phone, car and all his privileges. He is grounded for a week and not even allowed to see my daughter till this Sunday and that is a family function, she knows that is what will hurt him most. I really this is wayyy over the top, a good talking to would have been sufficient. This woman is so controlling, he never is with any of his friends, because she never lets him go anywhere. My dd and him do the normal movies, dinner, but mostly they sit in his basement and watch movies.
Just any ideas, I have a dd and no sons, so maybe it is different. I really think she just wants to control everything, and he is respectful, he won't even say to her that he needs a little space. He says you don't talk back to your parents.
Sorry way too long!!
Andie

My first thought is that she must be doing something right if he's turned out to be such a great kid.
My second thought is that you don't know the entire story. If she was snooping as you say, then clearly he knew that he wasn't allowed to have the cigar and he not only betrayed her trust by having it in the house but he also tried to decieve her by hiding it. While you feel that a talking to would have been enough, perhaps this isn't the first time she's had to deal with this issue (as you stated he has smoked cigars in the past), it may just be that she felt that the time for calm discussion had past and more drastic action had to take place.
JMO
stacy
While on the surface the punishment may seem a bit harsh and the mom may be a bit controlling I tend to agree with the OP that you may not know the whole story.
To my 19 yr old, screaming at him all day Sunday would be
" I found a cigar in your room; I hope you're not smoking!" one time on Sunday afternoon
He seems to consider anything other than praise as 'yelling'
So, yep, I agree; you are not getting the whole story
DS2 is my most challenging child yet also my most charming. Parents love him; I mean....ooohhh and ahhhh over him. Employers love him even when he screws up
My other two are truly much better citizens, workers, and boyfriend material but they lack his charisma
It's very possible this young man has that same charisma and is giving his parents reason to pull their hair out just as DS2 has given us much reason to pull out ours.
She over-reacted big time. She sounds like she wants to control her son and hasn't realised that he is 19. He is a grown man now, even if he still is in high school. I would warn your daughter that if he stays with this young be prepared to have that woman for a mother-in-law!
After all, you might not want your kids to smoke BUT IT IS LEGAL to smoke at 19. And, as you said, the cigar had not been smoked.
That's funny, 'cause my first though was, "he's turned out alright DESPITE everything she's done wrong."
Agreed that if the young man is at home, he has to abide with the house rules but the rules should be reasonable. That woman is running the risk of alienating her son.
For example, she may not allow smoking in her home. That is her right (no one smokes here too) but punishing an adult child because he has a cigar in his room is ridiculous. It is legal to smoke at 19. Outside the home, wheither one agrees with it or not, he can smoke.
His past history is immaterial. HE IS 19.
His mother has no right to tell him that he can not. She may very well tell him that she
doesn't like it,that it is very unhealthy but at 19 and he can not smoke at home but it is his health and is body and his decision. Now, if there are younger siblings in the home, she is in her right to tell her son to "lock the cigar" away so those under 19 can not find it. Fine but anything more than that is treating an adult children as a "child".
Yes, adult children at home have to follow reasonable house rules, they have to respect their parent's values. BUT at 19, they have a right to have their own values, even if they are different from their parents. And, at 19, they have a right to privacy. I would never go into an adult child's room and snoop. If that adult child is on track in his/her life and has no organic problems (i.e. mental health issues.....), it is an invasion of another adult's privacy. In fact, according to the law here in this country, his room is his and all of the contents are his personnal property.
Even if the parents are footing the bills, there is still reasonable limits as to how much
parents can expect their adult child to "toe the line". If this young man was a sister who was "down on her luck", would this woman act the same?
I agree up to a point. My DD is 18, technically an adult, but we are still supporting her and I still feel responsible for what she does. Before she turned 18, she made some comment about "I will be 18 soon and then I can do whatever I want." Of course, she said this in front of 11 yo brother, too. I said that if she really wanted to do whatever she wanted, she could move out, get an apt. and support herself. Then she really could do whatever she wanted, but as long as she was living at home, she still had to do what I wanted. It does put this young man in a bind because of course, he could legally move out and be on his own, but then again, he probably needs his parents to support him. It also sounds like the OP is making a bigger deal of this than the young man himself is. Or maybe he was more dramatic to her because he liked the attn.
On the one hand, I would not go snooping in my DD's room or look at any private papers. Of course, her room is a mess, so I try to avoid it as much as possible. We try to teach everyone in the family, even the 11 yo, that everyone in the family has a right to privacy, and noone should go in their rooms and touch their things w/o permission. The exception to this would be if I suspected something really dangerous, like drugs.
It does seem like the mother was over-reacting, but then again, maybe there is something like a history of cancer in her family and she freaked out thinking the boy would start smoking. I know both my father and ex MIL died due to problems caused by smoking, so I would be really unhappy if my children smoked, even if they were legally old enough to do it.
All the posts bring up great points. But I agree the punishment did not fit the crime. Again I say though, this is her perogotive, she needs to parent the way she sees fit.
Just for my tastes that was a bit over the top. And the fact that when my dd with all of the b/f's family out somewhere and talks to a friend, male or female, his mother always asks who is that, how do you know them leads me to believe she is just controlling. I totally agree and have told my daughter, that even though his mom is a good person and she loves my dd, these two have talked about engagement and his family says great, I think she will dealing with his mother the rest of her life. This is just a woman who feels she needs to be in everything, even when it might not be the best thing for her to do. Dd says okay for now, let's see what happens if she trys to make decisions on wedding, kids, I think dd will react different then.
Thanks much for all the insight,
Andie