haven't posted here in a while - update

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
haven't posted here in a while - update
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 3:17pm
a short history - I have one son, who is close to 17. I got divorced from his father when he was three. remarried when he was around 10. he and new husband don't get along (well, honestly, me and new husband don't get along too well either). a few years ago I had cancer. son has ADHD but was diagnosed pretty late in life (around 8th grade). up till that point, all his teachers and counslers said that his school issues (major underacheiver and some social problems) were all related to the divorce blah blah blah.

a while ago, he stopped going to school. just won't go. he gets panic attacks and can't go. he wants to go (so he says) and wants to do well (he was really excelling this year). anyway, he called a teen clinic, and after several weeks of discussions, he is going to the therapist on his own, and hubby and I are going as well for OUR issues.

he was diagnosed with *school phobia* (another millennium term I guess) was also put on some meds, some type of anti depressant. I was not too happy about that, but it does work. he is not zombied out at all, he is much happier, and FOCUSED. no more crying for hours, slamming doors, no more talking about death.

It is just scary to me, because I don't know WHAT will be with him, I know I must be patient and take one day at a time. I know that I must stop thinking about college and marriage and jobs, but be thankful that he is alive and doing better. its hard!!!

anyway, has anyone dealt with this, and gotten thru it? I believe that any phobias he has are just a result of all the tensions built up inside - the divorce, his bio-dad not every seeing him, the unhappy marriage, the cancer. it took him a long time to say how much he can't stand his step father. I think - from what he said and didn't say - that he would prefer to have a bad step dad than no step dad. sounds weird, but he wants a two-parent home..... I think that having all these traumatic things happen in his lifetime is difficult. and yes, I know, things could be worse, and kids have had to deal with worse things, but this is my kid and this is his life.

actually, I don't know why I stopped coming to this board - I got great advice and support here in the past....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 3:51pm
I'm so sorry things are so tough for you right now - of course I remember you! Your ds is about a year older than my older ds - he will be 16 in June. Has your ds been getting tutoring so he will be able to graduate with his class? Has he started attending school again now that he's on meds? I don't have any BTDT advice but I'm glad you came back and I'm sure some of the other posters will have some ideas!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 5:24pm
No, I haven't, but I'm glad you're back!

Like Pam said, there probably are quite a few other parents who can help you out with your questions.

Sabr? Where are you girl?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 2:01am
I am not sure how much teen advice is appreciated on this board, but I would like to share my story with you, if that is all right.

Your son's issues sound much like mine, although I do not have ADHD. All through public school I was tormented by my peers--not the right clothes, not the right hair, not the right shoes.... you know, all that kind of stuff. But I am a loner anyways. I've never been too social.

I got to high school and things were a little better. People seemed to be a bit more mature. I found a guy at the end of ninth grade and we dated until the middle of twelfth.

This is where things got a little hairy. He started hanging with the cool crowd, and I did too. He started doing a lot of drugs, got a nipple piercing, totally wierded out on me. SO I broke up with him. He wasn't the person I had started dating, and I didn't like the new person too much. He also cheated on me with another girl, which started nasty rumors swirling around like water in a toilet bowl. It was horrible.

First I started avoiding school. I was doing a co-op placement for a half day every day and was only at school for one period. SO I showed up for that class and left right after. But the new semester was starting soon and I knew I would soon have to face more people than the 25 or so in my one class.

I started crying alot! I was so horrified at having to face everyone, and by myslef no less. Only I was weaker than your son and ran completely away from my problems when I told my mother that I wasn't going back to that school ever. She was shocked, needless to say.

I NEVER wanted to be a drop out. I refused to be that person and yet the thought of going back was so horrifying that I literally could not get out of bed, I lost a tonne of weight, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. And, I had just gotten over mono.

I started at an alternative school. I got all honors. They ran out of courses for me and I started correspondence. Still honors. I got my first job at a grocery store, was reunited with my childhood best friend, and now I'm finished high school! I'm working full time at a job I like okay and I'm going to college in the fall. I take a form of anti-depressant, called an SSRI (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor) to help my body get back into normal sleeping and eating patterns. (It's kind of like Paxil) I also got a drug that is a relative of Valium, to help me with my nerves, but I was seeing a counselor who helped to give me tools to get through my anxiety. I have so far taken that about four times in the months I have had it. (It is addictive, so I don't want to play with it too much.)

Anyways, sorry this got so long. I have been through some of what your son has gone through and I just thought I would share my story with you and let you know that it will all turn out okay. I did!

Good luck to you and your DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 12:01am
thank you SO MUCH for sharing!!! you sound like a real together person, and i was happy to read your *happy ending*. sigh.... I do hope that my son will be ok someday, its just soooo hard to see him go thru this now. I hope you give your mom extra hugs every day!!

he is still registered in school (he was in a special school for kids with adhd). supposedly they will start sending him work to do at home so he could do the end of year state exams (I live in israel, they have special exams at the end of HS which are something like the NY regents, you use them to get into college along with SATs, and you need it for most entry level jobs). at this point - while I am very CONCERNED about his future, i am trying hard to take it one day at a time. for now - he gets up in the morning and is not crying all the time. he is not zombied out by the pills either which is fine. he is happy. he is going to therapy and working out on his issues. he is actually quite brilliant (IQ level is very high) and articulate (if I may say so myself lol). so hopefully he will finish school and go on to college - he really really wants to go to college to study either phsycology or astro-physics.

again, thanks for your encouraging words and good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 12:04am
thank you. he is not back in school yet, I don't expect him to go back this year, I don't know about next year. he is supposed to do work at home, we are waiting for the school to send him work to do, I doubt he will actually do it but who knows. thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 12:07am
thanks twoki - its good to be back....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2001
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:04pm
Welcome Back sk1960! Of course I remember you! I have no advice for you just a hug!

Post as often as you like and don't let the new format scare you!



With Brandi, 6 yo Brittany, Taz 13 yo Persian, W.