Having a Really Tough Time Tonight-Long
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:21am |
I'm just a mess tonight and how awful is it that the only 'friends' I have to turn to are people on this board that I've never even met?
I don't think I've ever felt so alone and lonely in my entire life as I have this past year. What do you do when your family, for reasons you absolutely do not know, are outcasts in your town and neighborhood? It seems like we have NO friends. I feel like we have a black cloud hanging over our house and tattoos on our foreheads so when people see us, we're labelled as unlikeable people.
I read all these posts here about teens and their social lives, activities, etc. and it is really rough. I've even thought that if I ever have the need to discipline them in all the ways you all discipline your teens (cell phone, restriction, etc.) it wouldn't even impact them at all. They wouldn't be missing anything.
My heart just breaks for my DD and DS. The only ones they have to hang out with, play frisbee with, swim with, walk to the ice cream store with, are each other. DS has a couple buddies he may get together with from time-to-time, but mostly, when they are not at school (and school is out for him tomorrow) they are at home, alone. DD is getting together with some school friends this weekend, and also next weekend, but those friends are an hour+ away, and after that well, who knows.
There are very few, if any, teens DD's age in the neighborhood -- well, if there are any, we don't know of them -- and she's never had a friend close by. There a few kids DS' age and they don't even speak to him. He was friends with a couple of little boys for quite a while, then I guess they decided they didn't like him anymore, so they started being mean to him and calling him names. Why are the mean kids always the most popular ones? There is a group of 4 kids all the same age or a year younger than DS, know him, but they walk past the house to one or the others' house and act like he doesn't exist.
I have been the best friend and neighbor I know how to be, always available when someone needs help or just about anything. If, on the rare occassion I ask a favor of someone, I ALWAYS thank them with flowers or a gift. (When DH was out of town in April, and I had to ask the mother of one of DS' friends to take him to school, I bought her 5 small gifts and he gave her one every morning when she picked him up as a thank you.)
I feel like it's because people don't like ME, so they don't like my kids. My kids are both really nice people and they're just as lonely as I am. It is so sad. I hate that the memories they'll have of their childhood/teenage years are going to be of always being on the outside looking in. Of knowing that there is a party/barbeque/get together going on and they weren't ever invited. Or walking by someone's house and seeing them run inside when we get closer so they won't have to speak to us. I guess it wasn't always this way; just seems that in the last 3-4 years things have taken this turn.
DH is basically a loner, so he just doesn't care. He has a hobby he is absolutely passionate about and spends just about every waking moment with his hobby. He resents me if I make him sit down and eat dinner as a family. He also resents that I don't spend more time with him and his hobby. But I can't stand the thought of the kids sitting in the house alone all the time, so I am the one riding bikes with the kids, taking them to play tennis, to the movies, trying to keep them busy, etc. I feel like a single parent. And a lonely one at that.
DD and I would move in a heartbeat. BUT, we promised DS he could finish all 3 years of middle school here and not move until he is ready to start high school. (He doesn't like change, even if he is lonely.) But that's still two more years.
Has anyone ever died of loneliness? I feel like I'm gonna. Sorry so long.
Edited 6/16/2006 2:29 am ET by hydrangea_blue

Pages
Oh Julie, it just about broke my heart to read your post. I'm so so sorry that you and your kids are feeling such isolation.
I have also felt some of what you describe. I have three women who I consider close friends. We met when my DD was in elementary school and I was very involved in the PTA. I love "the girls", but I also see that we seldom do anything together other than a weekly lunch. I've been working on connecting similarly with women who have kids at DS7's school, but it's slow. For me the big problem is working full time, and so do most of the others. After working all day/week, it's hard to get energy to make friends. And since I work an hour or so from home, I don't have "friends" at work - lots of great colleagues, but nothing that's spilled over.
As for people actively avoiding you and your kids - I wonder if that's really as true as you think, or if it's a little bit of what I said above - people are busy and not looking for new friends - especially adults with lots of other htings going on.
My DD goes to school an hour away from home too. She had two friends in the neighborhood when she was younger, but when they started HS they drifted apart. I try to find ways for her to get together with HS friendss, even when that means me travelling to distant parts of NYC - or having 4 screeching girls over for a "sleepover".
My DD also spends most of her weekend time at home, with us. At this point I feel like it's a plus - she's not getting into trouble, and she's having family time. Is your DD unhappy? Maybe she/you can invite a girl to your house, to go bike riding with you, etc. We are going campig next weekend, and we told DD she could invite a friend. At first she said that none of the girls she knows would want to go camping - they're all real city girls. But sure enough, one girl said 'I never camped before - cool!' and DD is so happy.
One thing struck me in reading your post, and please don't take offense, I say this as someone who really likes you alot, even though we only know each other electronically. Sometimes people can try too hard. Last year, DD had a friend over for a sleepover, and the mom sent me flowers and bought me candy. It seemed like the "gift" was out of balance with the favor. And not so much what a friend would do. I mean, when a parent of DS's friend invited him over for a half-day playdate, I didn't give her a gift. I thanked her profusely and made a mental note to have the buddy over my house soon. Giving a gift to a woman picking up your son may make her feel like you *don't* see her as a friend. Instead you could just say "let me know when I can do the same" and make it a more balanced relationship. I have one friend who emails me a couple of times a week. If I don't respond immediately, she emails again to ask when I didn't reply.
For your kids - do you get a chance to see them interacting with other kids? Maybe there are suggestions you can give them about how they interact. If they're lonely, help set up "playdates" (MS/HS version) to build stronger bonds.
ARe there things they like to do? If they're having a hard time wth kids at school, maybe there's someone at church or in a karate class or whatever who could be a friend.
If you continue to feel this way - it might be be helpful for you and your kids to talk to a counselor.
HTH. I realized in rereading that it's mostly about me (sorry, lol), but I hope my experience can help you see that you're not alone.
(((HUGS)))
Sue
Oh Julie - what a sad post!
Hey girl,
Chin up! I hope you're feeling better this morning.
I'm not sure that people *haven't* died of loneliness, to tell you the truth. DH works and lives out of our county.. and when DS moved out, I literally thought the earth would just open and suck me in. In fact, there were some lonely nights I almost wished that would happen.... I cried for weeks on end every day, then toned it down to a couple of times a week.
My closest friends live 2 hours away, and I haven't made any real friends since I moved here 5 years ago. I live very far out in the country, my nearest neighbor is 1-1/2 mile away, and all the neighbors I do have grew up with my father in the 30's and 40's. There wasn't a kid around at all when my Ds lived here.
However, I do have GOOD news. My DS-17 had no friends at all growing up (we only once lived in a neighborhood), but now something has happened! It's a total transformation in terms of friendships. He has oodles of friends now! And as your kids age, they will too. I feel confident about it.
I would LOVE to have you for a neighbor! It's true that some people feel they have enough friends, or are too busy, for a new friend. I've never understood that pov.
I also feel that my neighbors look down on me or something. They all own hundreds to thousands of acres with mineral rights, and the oil companies have made them all millionaires. Every one of them inherited their land, but it doesn't seem to matter.
So I have, and am still, in your shoes in some respects. I've come to accept that the people here on ivillage may be the closest things to friends I will have for some time to come. (besides the long distant real-life friends)
I met a real nice lady a couple of weeks ago when I was looking for my lost dog. I feel strongly that I should go back and visit with her upon the pretense of telling her I found my dog (which I did). But mostly I would go cause I want a friend and she seemed really cool .... but I can't bring myself to do it. I would bet there are people who have thought about you as a potential friend, but are stuck like me, unable to actually go do it.
I feel for your kids, especially when you mentioned the part about bbq's and stuff they're not invited to. I was wondering, what if you had a huge party and invited everyone in the neighborhood? I know it sounds crazy, but I keep hearing that only a small percentage would show up anyway....
Please, anytime you feel lonely, post here or you can even e-mail me through my profile. I'm on a first name basis with lonely.
zz
I am so sorry you are going through this. As a person who grew up in a busy inner city neighbourhood, as part of a huge extended family I had the opposite issue -- no one would LEAVE me alone!!!
But seriously, if I could give any advice it would be following. Get your kids involved in something outside the home and school. Whether it be organized sports or the arts or a volunteer organization or something else they can be passionate about it would benefit them a great deal to get out and meet other people. They may not always be the most popular kid in the group or in town and they shouldn't aspire to that anyway. I have my own opinions and thoughts on so-called "popularity" but will save that for another post. The more important thing is that they learn to be comfortable in social situations. It is critical to their futures for whatever career they might choose in life.
And maybe that way they can meet some friends and get to know people more like them.
And do yourself a favour -- YOU get out and involved too. You worry about your kids but who is worrying about you? You sound like a person you yearns to have more friends and yet I wonder if, reading between the lines, you really know how to make and keep friends? Is this something you've struggled with also and don't want your kids experiencing?
If so my advice for you would be the same -- no need to stay at home. Go out and seek groups you can be part of it. Again, it may not be the high profile Joneses but...who cares. Keeping up with social butterfly neighbours is more of a chore than a pleasure. So, get out and do something and maybe you'll meet someone you can be friendly with as well.
Good luck and best wishes to you...
I think most people have been in your shoes at some point in their lives. I'm sorry you're feeling this way now. I feel as our kids get older, the harder it is for us, the parents to make a friend.
I used to have many friends (met when the kids were little via play groups etc) until I moved here 2 years ago. Talk about being alone. I basically speak to anyone, but I can easily say that I've only got a couple of friends here and neither live nearby.
Our neighborhood is odd, very religious, very southern, mostly home schooled and in we come - a screaming liberal from the north. You're right to assume we don't solicalize.
My oldest teen DD has had a very difficult time finding friends here. She has none who live anywhere near us. Knowing how important it is, I am willing to drive her or the handful any time I'm asked. It's a pain they live about a hour away, but I can see it's worth it. She too spends lots of time with me and although I enjoy her, I only wish there would be someone closer she could hang out with more often.
I don't really have much to offer I guess other then to suggest maybe YOU enroll in a class, get a PT job, join the Y etc. You I believe are the key. Since I'm on this path, let me mention something to you - you AND your DH have got to put you as a couple, a priority. It's far too easy to get wrapped up in things and before you know it, the distance grows further. I strongly suggest trying to plan something together - it doesn't even need to cost money, take a nightly 1/2 hour walk etc. You've got to remain connected.
You know, when you post something so personal on a place like a message board as I did last night, you leave yourself wide open for just about anything. Thank you all for being understanding and supportive. Last night was just a crummy night all the way around.
I've had a serious ant invasion and in spite of 4 visits from the pest control people over the course of two weeks, the little buggers are still popping up everywhere. The entire contents of my kitchen cabinets are spread over every available surface in the kitchen and dining room. I'm afraid to put it all away, because every time I do, the ants reappear.
DH was particularly unpleasant last night about dinner arrangements. Due to the state of my kitchen, I ordered pizza. That was fine with him, but why couldn't he just eat whatever he wanted every night? Why could he only do that when it was convenient for me? Knowing that sitting down to eat every night takes time away from what he'd really rather be doing?
I don't know how many times I've overheard this conversation between DH and DS, but it sent me into tears last night --- "Hey dad, you wanna play catch/football/tennis/ride bikes/watch a movie with me?" and the answer is .... "No thanks, you go ahead." So then I say, "I'll play catch/football/tennis/ride bikes/watch a movie with you, bud. Let's get DD and we'll all do it together". So while I agree that DH and I need to spend more time together as a couple, someone's got to be a parent to our children, and well, it looks like it's got to be me, or they'll have no one.
I've switched my walks to evening because it's cooler then than in the morning. Since our neighborhood is built on hills, grades and inclines, it's really great exercise just walking loops around it. DD joined me last night and she confessed how she really did like our house, our neighborhood and town, just that she wished the people in it with us were friendlier. How she just wished people would give her and DS and chance to get to know them, and they'd see that they were really fun and nice people. How's that for a heartbreaker?
Sue, I understand what you are saying. I don't mean that I go out and do things or buy gifts randomly for people. But when I ask someone to water my plants while were gone, etc. I'll bring them back a token gift from wherever we've visited -- things like that. The woman who drove DS to school that entire week is more than a passing acquaintance. My DS and her DS have been good friends since 1st grade and we've helped each other out hundreds of times over the years. Since she is now working part-time and has 3 children in 3 different schools, I really felt like asking her to add my DS to her daily schedule was a bit of an imposition, hence the little gifts each day, just to let her know how much I appreciated her adding my DS to her already hectic morning.
Sometimes we just have to accept our lot in life. This seems to be mine for now and it seems that there are a few others out there in the same boat. {{{Hugs to you all too}}} and thanks for all your thoughts.
Oh, Julie, I am so sorry. I know I'm late in replying to this, but part of me knows a little how you feel. We live in a very small town, and it is very clique-ish--the grown-ups, not so much the kids. When we first moved here, I was so very lonely. Luckily the kids were young enough that they made friends fairly quickly and easily. To this day, I have one best friend here, and only one. But, for me, that is enough. Thank goodness it is, becuase I'm just not one to make friends easily. I can only imagine how hard it must be to think your children are lonely too.
I really don't have any advice to offer, PPs have made some wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to offer {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}.
I'm in this line too - hugs from me.
In a way, I feel the same way but in a turnabout way. Although we have loads of neighbors, we live in an area where people have ALWAYS lived here; we're not from here so we're not really that chummy. My ds13 wants nothing to do with the kids in the area (mean, weird, etc.) so he's usually at home or on the XBox Live with other friends (it's too far for him to even bike to their homes). DH is 3rd of 8; there are 5 of his local sibs so we're usually doing family stuff on a pretty routine basis. But I'm an only, so I don't thrill to all the big family stuff (usually at least 1-2x/month; there are 24 in his immediate family)! And my folks are 300 miles away; the phone is ok, but is not the same (I've been gone now 25 years). I have two friends; moms of kids ds plays/played with. One is a great intellectual friend, but ds and her ds's don't get along that well so we never 'do' anything other than maybe 2x/year she and I have dinner together. The other is the mom of ds's good friend since 4th grade, but good friend now has befriended some kids ds can't stand, so things are shaky there - but I sure don't want to lose his mom as a friend (mostly email anyway)! Otherwise my other 'family' is all these guys here at work; I'm an engineer; the only female in the group other than the secretary, so it's not like I have other women friends to relate to. And dh doesn't want to hear about work related issues. It's definitely interesting- somewhat lonely (in the nurturing sense, I guess, is what I mean) in a big metro area! That's why I love email and these boards...
Sue
I do think the friend thing changes by 12ish
When mine were little, it seemed we just shoved them out the door and friends HAPPENED
Theyd be doing big wheel races or a pick up game of football
That changed and I know DH had a hard time with it. He insisted we move to another subdivision when we moved 4 years ago; I REALLY REALLY wanted to move to teh country. I love animals and the convenants and restrictions in this subdivision arent ameanable to that(2 pets and you must include caged birds? Give me a break)
Then he was upset that here we were in the subdivision and our kids werent playing with the neighborhood kids. At that point 4 years ago, they were 17, 14 and 10. Really, two were well past 'playing' with anyone in the way he so fondly remembered
They have to have common interests as they age and, I suppose, be in the same social circle(whatever that is)
Point it...it's different. Just wanted to be sure you were seeing that and realizing it was 'normal'. Some kids who were friends in the same area probably remain so but I dont know as we move too much for me to have observed it.
Also, DH is an extrovert in the sense he 'needs' to be around other people to recharge. I am an introvert in that I need to be alone to recharge
Neighbors are having a pig roast tomorrow. DH has talked about it all week and he will stay and drink and smoke until the wee hours. I will make an appearance, have a glass of wine, make small talk until my obligatory 1-2 hours(my thought process)are up and then head home.
He cant wait for it to happen and I cant wait for it to be over!!!!
My kids are more like me. In fact, DS1 and DS3 are exactly like me. DS2 is far more like his dad but, even so, far better able to entertain himself and be content.
DH just cant grasp that! They dont WANT to play basketball with the kids down the block or throw the frisbee and ride bikes.
Point here is your kids have some genetic material from dad so be sure you are seeing what they want, not what you would have liked at that age
Maybe you are-I'm rather turning you into my DH for my own therapy reasons here, I think ;)Maybe we should retitle it the therapy thead!!!
IF your kids are on the introverted side like your hubby, they are going to want the one friend type of stuff. I could ride a bike or play board games with one friend when I was a kid but I hated the social inequities that always popped up with 3; I was uncomfortable in groups for a longtime(those parties at college seemed to help ;))
So, my advice is to look at the kids through new eyes, be sure what it is they want and help them find it even if its not quite what you wanted at that age
Want to fill in for me at the pig roast tomorrow?
{{{Hydrangea}}} Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. We've lived in our house for 10 years and last Summer was the first time a neighbor other than the nice man across the street invited us to thier house. Otherwise, we've basically been cordial neighbors to everyone else. We've tried to be friendly but it seemed no one was interested. I tried for years to be conversational with several of our immediate neighbors and even with some of the parents of our dd's friends, but it seemed like a no-go at every turn. My 18dd used to have a nice circle of friends, but somewhere around 8th grade, the table turned and she was suddenly alone. DD16 has always had lots of friends, but no ONE special friend, no one to confide in - I always felt like they must be so loney. DD18 was lonely - she told me so. DD16 said she liked being alone. I felt like I did something wrong, like we too had that tattoo on our foreheads that screamed "stay away".
Finally, we just made our own way. Your H sounds a little like mine. I finally had to have a heart to heart with him. I told him he was a great dad and a wonderful provider, but that being a parent doesn't stop there. He had to be willing to do things one on one with the girls. He was either doing stuff alone or it had to be as a family, and not all of us always wanted the same thing. So, he eventually started doing things one on one with each dd and that helped a lot.
One thing I eventually realized my kids needed to know: It's not how MANY friends you have, it's the quality of the friends you DO have. So, dd18 has always only had one or two close friends at a time. She does better in a smaller circle. She doesn't like to go out partying, and that's mostly what a lot of the kids her age do, so she limits herself to like minded friends. She spends a few weekend nights home alone, but she's okay with it. I think I was worried more than she was. DD16 has ONE friend. She knows lots of kids, but she only has one true friend. And I don't even think this friend realizes just how important she is to dd. DD16 also has a BF, but they only see each other 2-3 times a week. So dd is often alone with us, either reading, playing music or hanging with me and/or H. She says she doesn't miss not having a ton of friends - she's happy. She said she can't really tolerate a lot of people in her life at once.
H and I have 2 couples we hang with occasionally, for dinner or drinks and I keep in close contact with both women. I make a point to call them and ask to meet for coffee before work or for lunch. Now, they reciprocate. It took a while, but our relationships became easier and now we're very close. I think that by making friends and being an example for our kids, we teach them about how to be a friend and that it's okay if there is only one or two.
As far as the gift giving, it's nice to say thank you, I think everyone enjoys being acknowledged for doing a favor. However, I think at the end of the week, a small something would have been more appropriate. Perhaps so much daily thanking made the woman feel uncomfortable....almost like if she asks you for a favor you may expect the same, KWIM? Maybe you could host a little simple BBQ for a few of the families your have been in touch with over the years? Just something like a pot luck. Keep it lite and simple and allow your kids to invite a friend or two (no matter how far they live - it could even be a sleep over for the kids).
Anyway, it does sound like you and H have some issues to work on. It's not fair for you to always be the one who makes up for the absence of a friends. You and H do need some time alone together, but he also needs to be more involved. Hugs and hang in there.
Pages