Having a Really Tough Time Tonight-Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Having a Really Tough Time Tonight-Long
11
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:21am

I'm just a mess tonight and how awful is it that the only 'friends' I have to turn to are people on this board that I've never even met?

I don't think I've ever felt so alone and lonely in my entire life as I have this past year. What do you do when your family, for reasons you absolutely do not know, are outcasts in your town and neighborhood? It seems like we have NO friends. I feel like we have a black cloud hanging over our house and tattoos on our foreheads so when people see us, we're labelled as unlikeable people.

I read all these posts here about teens and their social lives, activities, etc. and it is really rough. I've even thought that if I ever have the need to discipline them in all the ways you all discipline your teens (cell phone, restriction, etc.) it wouldn't even impact them at all. They wouldn't be missing anything.

My heart just breaks for my DD and DS. The only ones they have to hang out with, play frisbee with, swim with, walk to the ice cream store with, are each other. DS has a couple buddies he may get together with from time-to-time, but mostly, when they are not at school (and school is out for him tomorrow) they are at home, alone. DD is getting together with some school friends this weekend, and also next weekend, but those friends are an hour+ away, and after that well, who knows.

There are very few, if any, teens DD's age in the neighborhood -- well, if there are any, we don't know of them -- and she's never had a friend close by. There a few kids DS' age and they don't even speak to him. He was friends with a couple of little boys for quite a while, then I guess they decided they didn't like him anymore, so they started being mean to him and calling him names. Why are the mean kids always the most popular ones? There is a group of 4 kids all the same age or a year younger than DS, know him, but they walk past the house to one or the others' house and act like he doesn't exist.

I have been the best friend and neighbor I know how to be, always available when someone needs help or just about anything. If, on the rare occassion I ask a favor of someone, I ALWAYS thank them with flowers or a gift. (When DH was out of town in April, and I had to ask the mother of one of DS' friends to take him to school, I bought her 5 small gifts and he gave her one every morning when she picked him up as a thank you.)

I feel like it's because people don't like ME, so they don't like my kids. My kids are both really nice people and they're just as lonely as I am. It is so sad. I hate that the memories they'll have of their childhood/teenage years are going to be of always being on the outside looking in. Of knowing that there is a party/barbeque/get together going on and they weren't ever invited. Or walking by someone's house and seeing them run inside when we get closer so they won't have to speak to us. I guess it wasn't always this way; just seems that in the last 3-4 years things have taken this turn.

DH is basically a loner, so he just doesn't care. He has a hobby he is absolutely passionate about and spends just about every waking moment with his hobby. He resents me if I make him sit down and eat dinner as a family. He also resents that I don't spend more time with him and his hobby. But I can't stand the thought of the kids sitting in the house alone all the time, so I am the one riding bikes with the kids, taking them to play tennis, to the movies, trying to keep them busy, etc. I feel like a single parent. And a lonely one at that.

DD and I would move in a heartbeat. BUT, we promised DS he could finish all 3 years of middle school here and not move until he is ready to start high school. (He doesn't like change, even if he is lonely.) But that's still two more years.

Has anyone ever died of loneliness? I feel like I'm gonna. Sorry so long.




Edited 6/16/2006 2:29 am ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 8:16pm

Jumping in kind of late here, Julie, but ]]. Ya know, sometimes I feel exactly the way you do - there is something about California, I think, and the newer neighborhoods, and the fact that by golly almost everyone has to work and work ALOT (hence the house, LOL). I do think alot of it has to do with the business of life. People might think to look at me that I'm not looking for any new friends because honestly, I don't reach out much. Part of that is b/c my immediate family lives very nearby - mother, father, one brother and sister - and we are all very close. When I'm off on Fridays, I ask my mom and/or sister if they'll meet me for coffee, kwim? But there are definitely those times when I miss having friends. And then I look around and see that some people have these huge network of friends, almost like a pseudo extended family, and I think to myself, "gosh I want that too." I mean, there are times when families even go on vacation together. Recently, at the school's festival fundraiser, I found myself helping an acquaintance and it just seems like she had this whole group of friends that were more than just "school friends" and I felt so left out.

The other place I feel left out with friends is church, believe it or not. And I've found that is b/c most of the people have gone there for 18 years! It's strange to be new to a group that has been together so long, I'm not saying we're the only ones but every time I meet someone it's, "I've been coming there 18+ years". I know there are reasons I haven't met friends there, either, and it has to do with reaching out as well. We recently joined a bible study group for that reason, and it turned out, as luck would have it, that we were one of only two couples who hadn't been going to that church umpteen years and all knew each other from "way back". Guess what. The other couple is getting a divorce, and now we're the only "newbies". One of the women in my group told me that I could call her and we could meet for coffee sometime (this is primarily I feel b/c dh reached out to them one night when I missed bible study about our myriad of problems with the kiddos - ranging from everything you've heard about with dd14 to the learning disabilities that both dd and ds16 have) and I think she feels sorry for me. I know I should call her, but...I don't know if I will. Is that bad? But maybe then again, she should call me? See, I think this is where the problems come up.

I used to be friendly with my children's friend's parents when they were little. One of the women became my best friend, and she died of cancer a couple of years ago - but that's another sad story :(

Problems have come up with friendships when the kids don't want to be friends anymore and then the mother and I drift apart. It wasn't a problem with my best friend, she didn't take issue with the fact that our kids had grown part due to our moves, different schools, etc. But one parent took issue with the fact that my ds didn't really want to be friends with her ds anymore. We haven't talked for years, and now we're going to meet in a couple of weeks - she wants to know if ds will be here, and she will bring her ds! Now, my ds16 is so different from her ds, I mean they were friends when they were 5! What am I supposed to do, FORCE him to be friends with him? Sorry my post is so long, Julie, but I do agree that maybe get involved together in some type of thing where you spend alot of time together - like swim team (good Lord I hear it's everyday and all weekend too). That's where you make connections that will last for years.

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