Having the 'Talk' with Boys - Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Having the 'Talk' with Boys - Help!
14
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:03pm

Who did/does it in your home? I have been after DH to have the 'talk' with DS (12.5) for about the past year, but DH insists DS is 'not ready'. After my particular insistence about two weeks ago, DH said he 'broached' the issue with him, but DS wasn't particulary receptive. Well, duh. What a cop out.

I happen to think the DS is plenty ready; I've seen enough indicators lately to know that and in fact, feel that we are a little in arrears here. Among other things, I found the little pamphlet the doctor gave him at his last check-up on 'How Boys Grow' crumpled up next to his bed yesterday so that sort of proves to me he's curious/has questions/needs guidance, etc. From his physical appearance, I KNOW he's in the throes.

Looks like it's gonna be me doing the talking.

Any other moms find themselves in this position? What on earth do I say? It is hard to be a woman and discuss man stuff with a little boy, since I've not experienced it myself.

I'm not sure who is going to be most mortified -- me or him.

Any advice and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and I do apologize for the rather personal nature of this topic.

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:49pm

Our 'talks' just kind of evolved.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:23pm

All I can suggest is that you be driving at the time of the talks - really takes the pressure off having to look at them directly. You can matter of fact talk about things as you scan for traffic, etc. Saying things like, "Masturbating is normal, don't be ashamed of it." in the same tone as you might say, "change the station - that song is giving me a headache." A little sense of humor about these things can't hurt, imo. Laughter is a great stress reliever. You can still give out good information.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:35pm

I'm with Pam, our talks just kind of evolved based on their questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:26pm

DD13 is very open when discussing things of that nature, DS18 wasnt however. Like the other poster said, talk with them in the car. Works for DS everytime - doesnt matter what its about. They seem to open up more when not confronted head one. One story that might help break the ice (and this is a true one). A friend of ours son when he was 14 had some sort of infection in his testicles. They grew to the size of a large orange and he was too embarrassed to tell his mom or dad. It got so bad that he ended up with a high fever and was really sick. FINALLY he told them and he was rushed to emergency. He almost died. Fortunately he is fine now and can still have kids. I'm not sure exactly what caused the infection. I told this to my DS, telling him not to ever be afraid to tell us if he sees or feels anything odd with his privates (kind of a scare tactic) and then led into the sex talk - all of this in the car - worked out great.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:29pm

Here, they show the film (boys and girls in different rooms) the 2nd to last day of 4th grade; ds was 9. We'd already talked before that to the level he wanted, and he only came home with one question on one thing he hadn't heard of (wet dreams) and I sent him to talk to dh about that. I'd say it went VERY gradually at home; one question at a time, sometimes weeks between questions. He'd get disgusted or embarrassed, and wait til he just had to ask something else. I did most of the talking; ds and I are very close and he feels more comfortable with me for 'touchy' stuff like that (now at 14 he may not, but at 9-11 or so, he did!). My mom also got him a book, the What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys (there's one for girls too). It's not the greatest, but it gave him time to read up on things when he was ready, and he could then put it down, etc.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:40pm
We have an extremely open line of communication with our son. As some of the other ladies already mentioned, it's not just a one time discussion you'll have with him, but many discussions over the years. The first time we ever talked was when our son was about to turn 10. He had heard some things from the neighborhood kids and came to us to ask about it. BTW, you'd be AMAZED at the amount of false information going back and forth between boys! We just got done discussing some issues that he was having with his testicles. Lord, help me! He was experiencing some "discomfort" ("blue balls") and was certain he had testicular cancer! That led us to discussing masturbation, monthly self-examination of the testicles, and all sorts of other interesting tidbits. I think I know more about the male genitalia than I would care to know! A trip to the doctor has finally eased his fears. Just make sure that you convey to him that you are there to answer ALL of his questions no matter how embarrassed he may be to ask. Puberty is a really tough time for kids, and they REALLY need the support, love, understanding, and patience of their parents. There are also TONS of websites available on the topic of puberty, so maybe you can sit down with him and look at some together.
Peace,
Susan
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:47pm
Oh, yes, some of those 'playground facts' can be very amusing. Actually I don't think it was one he got at school; I think ds decided for himself (at age 9) that getting pregnant 'has something to do with trading DNA when kissing'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:52pm
Julie, perhaps you could share this with DH.
My DD had a “boyfriend” at 12. The typical cute, baby faced shy kid from a good home with a good family. I knew the parents. He was 2 months shy of his 13th birthday.
They had the typical relationship appropriate for that age. Didn’t really do much together except rare supervised visits and a movie once in a while in a group. From all outward appearances, this was kind of cute. His dad probably didn’t think he was ready for discussing sex and body changes either. Maybe dad did broach the subject and got the “ewwww...gross” comments typical to that age.
I happened to accidentally intercept a phone conversation where the boy was literally begging DD for oral sex, and wanting her to wear that “really cool tight sweater” the next time he sees her. He had it all planned out for the rest room at the movie theatre. Fortunately, DD was quite taken aback, said no, I’m not willing to do that, then broke up with him.
After getting over wanting to kill him (it took a while) I realized he was just a baby kid in the onset of puberty with absolutely no information other than what his middle school buddies were feeding him. So this is what you do “to be a man.” Lol. 12 seems a bit young to be objectifying girls like that. This kid was a baby faced, respectful, shy kid. I’m sure his parents wouldn’t have believed he was capable - or even interested - in that. He was not lecherous or evil. He was simply uninformed, trying to deal with this new puberty stuff in the only manner that he knew how – What he learned from his buddies, in school, and what he sees on TV.
Implore your DH to step up to this task. Not just the plumbing and body hair part - ALL of it. 12 is not too young. Easier now than “catching up” later…
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:29pm

Well, as far as the physical stuff with puberty, I pretty much wussed out and made their dad tell them all that stuff. DS20 was very close to his dad back then and he hit puberty about 10, so he got all that info pretty early. When it was ds15's turn, again, I pushed it off on his dad, and he probably got a whole bunch of info from his brother. Now, when it comes time to talk about sex, std's, pregnancy, and all that, we all talked to them about it. Alot. All of us (me, his dad, his stepmom). Still do. :)

And I totally agree with the in the car thing. I found it was much easier for me, too! Plus, they couldn't bail on me. They *had* to sit and listen. ;)

I try to be very matter-of-fact, and not hem-haw around (which sometimes is *not* easy--at least not for me!) and let them know they can come talk to me about *anything*. I think the easier you are with them in talking about such things, then the easier it will be for them to come ask questions if they have them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:53pm

Definitely me doing all the talking-with all three boys!

DH showed no interest; I would bet the house HIS dad never spoke to him. That generation(in MY age group at least)definitely had the uninvolved dads. My mom spoke to me and it seemed natural for me to talk with the boys.

Some evolved; some was preplanned around the movie being shown at school. My biggest fear was always them having a wet dream and not knowing what happened;to me, that was like a girl bleeding and not knowing.

Chances are he already knows 'the facts' from school but there's no reason you can't ask if he has questions or put in your two cents worth on the emotional/moral issues involved. Do you want him to wait until marriage or until its a serious relationship(define serious first)?

I stress condoms, stress you can get STDs from oral sex-I think this is a big issue for our guys-I gather they dont have to have a GF for that if they attend the right gatherings so...it might happen sooner than you think and you want him to be clear on the risk(yeah, there are moral issues too but condoms, condoms, condoms-you can probably see my kids eyes rolling over the net)

I also provided a book-just silently left it in their rooms one day.

Honestly, I think beginning is the hard part but once you have taken that first step, its easier.

And I agree with the car thing. Or let him do something while you talk-I dont know if he does models or legos but talking while they are moving is educationally sound. Eye contact on this subject probably is not a wise approach(perhaps for either of you)

I'd pick a subject-just one-and make that first step. Work more in later on.

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