Heart Breaking
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Heart Breaking
| Wed, 11-08-2006 - 8:43pm |
I have posted before about my 17yo DD and the bad choices she has made. In the end she is a good girl. What’s happening now is something that’s been rearing its ugly head since she was little and it’s just breaking my heart.


Sorry I don't have any advice, I have one son.. but you're right, that is heartbreaking and I just felt I had to respond.
My son had a hard time finding a group of friends he could count on. It took until he was 16 or 17. Of course our hearts break for our kids in these situations.
Those friends of your daughter sound like real pieces of work... sheesh.
I remember a particularly painful episode when I was a senior in high school. The most popular girls were having a senior party at the country club. I wasn't invited to be one of the "honored" until the day before, and I knew I was only invited to be one because they needed 30 or 40 bales of hay (the theme was "forever in blue jeans") They claimed that I had been absently left out (I was a twirler, they were mostly cheerleaders)
I was still happy to be included, and my mother tried to tell me I couldn't go, and went on and on about why I was invited, and that they really didn't want me there. It was true, I realize now... but I could have done without her input. And I took the pickup and trailer and brought the hay anyway...
Yeah, now I would have told them to p.o., but I'm not the same person (thank goodness!).
Just hang in there until college. I'm no longer friends with those popular girls cause I got a whole new set in college! And we're still in contact.
Good luck,
zz
That is pretty heartbreaking! I feel bad for your DD; it will be interesting to see how these girls treat her when they get back. Do you suppose she will still consider them friends? I probably would have a hard time keeping quiet about my feelings about these girls!
I'm wondering if your DD's behavior in the past has less to do with your DD's decision making ability than it does with her desire to 'fit in' with this group of girls. If she is mostly on the 'fringe', and not really a part, do you suppose she participating in the drinking, etc. as a way to prove to them she really was like them and to be included as a part of their get-togethers? I can see how that could happen with teenagers. The desire to fit in, be recognized as one of the cool/popular/hot group and be a part of something is so strong that they find it hard to remain true to themselves?
Maybe you can find something special to do with your DD this weekend. I know it's not the same as doing something fun with the girls, but perhaps you can come up with something to keep her busy and keep her mind off what has happened.
Give your DD lots of hugs this weekend; I hope it ends up being a fun one for both of you.
Julie
That is so heartbreaking and those girls are so mean. Your dd's experience sounds a lot like my older 19dd's HS experience. By the time she and her little group of friends hit 9th grade, she lost her footing with them for various reasons: she wasn't as wild as a lot of them so she wasn't willing to participate in make out parties or drinking binges and the like. They stopped calling her except when they needed another or she called them. She slowly developed friendships with one person at a time, which is also limiting, but better than waiting around for the others. Then in her senior year, quite by accident, she met and started dating a boy from a nearby town. I think that between the one girlfriend and the BF, dd was able to cope through her senior year. For a while there, I was really concerned that she was lonely and was about to become despondent. She did go through a period where she experienced panic attacks and then depression, but it was short lived and we were able to help get her moving and out of it.
She's now in her first year of college and is doing great. I think that what she really needed to do was get the heck out of this small town with all the very small minded people and make a life for herself...see that there is life outside of Smalltown, USA. You know, our kids grow up in these really great cities and communities and that's wonderful, but I also think at times it can box them into thinking that this is it. And it's not. I hope you and your dd can find ways of helping her to be herself and make even one or two friends instead of waiting for that group to call her back in. They are not worth it. Are there interests that dd could pursue outside of school? Something or some class that you and dd could join together? She needs to feel validated as her own person and the way those girls are treating her is inhibiting that personal growth.
Hugs~
I wish I could get a mental grip on why it is so important for some kids to be in a certain group. I get the idea of fitting in somewhere but why it has to be a certain group that so obviously mistreats them???
DS2 was like this-it was worse in middle school for him-dont know if that's a boy thing or personal for him. But he hung on the fringes and put up with some physical abuse(to show he could handle it-almost like frat stuff)as well as carrying cafeteria trays for the popular boys.
He seemed to move away from it in 10th grade
For your dd, I think she has a point-even if she is ready to make the move, its senior year and its hard to change your 'persona'. Even if you change yourself, you are still that other person in yours classmates eyes
I would help her look to the future. Hopefully, hopefully, she is not seriously going to go to college with these girls???? Id even think about going 1/2 day next semester and working-for myself in high school, and my kids, that after school job was a huge confidence builder. I guess its that first inkling that "hey, there is something else out there".
I know that its hard not to worry. Especially when it comes to your children and you see them hurting. Believe me, you are hurting far more than they are. I have been there. Things have a way of working out given time.