help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
help
12
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 9:51pm

Tonight my 17 year old daughter asked me if I liked her 19 year old boyfriend. I asked her if she really wanted the truth. I told her I liked him but had some concerns about him.

Let me explain about this boy. He has no motivation. He is late for everything. He uses his adhd as an excuse not to do things. He is lazy. He wont get up even to help my daughter carry heavy boxes. He sits and watches. My daughter is an excellent basketball player who has spent countless hours in the gym over the past four years working on her game. He went to the gym with her twice and now is going around telling everyone that she is good because of ALL the times he has worked with her in the gym. He is rude to people. One time a boy was injured in a basketball game and he sat there with his feet up on the seats in front of him and made the ball climb over them, then he bragged about it. He talks rude to his mother and I am afraid later that is how he is going to treat my daughter.

Should I have not told her how I felt even though she asked me. She is really giving the cold shoulder now. I dont know what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: ks13mom
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 11:18pm

You absolutely did the right thing.
I would bet that she already knew your answer before you responded.
But she asked, and you gave her confirmation of what she already knows.

You didn't just provide adjectives about your *opinion* of his character. i.e "He's a lazy, worthless bum who treats everyone badly." That isn't very effective at all.

Instead, you provided her concrete examples of his rotten behavior, which is a lot harder for your DD to ignore.

Now she needs to decide what to do with this bum.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:30am
I'm sure she already knows all these things. and I'd bet that she was hoping you'd say really great things about him because she's on the fence about him. Give her a day or two to think it over and then strike up a conversation about it. Maybe relate to her about a similar boy you dated (we all dated someone like that) and how you ended up feeling about him. Or talk about a couple you both know that one partner is like that and how it degraded the relationship. Give her lots of food for thought, then brace yourself to be able to support her positively through the next phases.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:20am

I think you did the right thing. You may have given her some food for thought, you know?

When my 18dd has confided in me about her BF (the controlling one) or asked my opinion about him, I tell her the truth. I like him, he's cute and it's obvious that he cares for dd. However, he's also a bit lazy and has possession confused with love and comittment. I've watched my dd go from giving me the cold shoulder to making some very healthy decisions about thier relationship. She has created a bit of space for herself (something I suggested and she balked at) and she's become more social with her GF's - actually scheduling dates with her GF's (another suggestion from your's truly). And she's taken a more proactive position in regards to her job...she's taken on more hours and is trying to save money. And she's really into going to college in the Fall, something BF wasn't happy about.

I think letting her know that while you like BF, you still have concerns is good - perhaps it will help her to see things that may have been niggling at her but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. All you have to do is continue to respect thier relationship and be nice to him so she knows you're not trying to break them up. I always invite him to stay for dinner and include him in discussions. Letting her know your feelings is good - now just be yourself with him and eventually she will come around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:35am

My opinion is that if she asked, yes you should have answered honestly but hopefully you slanted the conversation toward how much you love her and how you want the very best for her. When answering this type of question, I also try to include the b/f's strong points. I try to help her see the whole person not just one side of him.

Our DD's tend to get defensive about their b/fs (and other friends as well). I have given this alot of thought and think that my DD sees any criticism of her b/f as being a criticism of her - after all she "choose" him as her b/f, therefore, I am criticizing her choice. Maybe your DD is different in this area but I'm pretty sure that's what upsets DD when I critice her b/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:57am
I told her the main thing I wanted her to see was what could be in store for her in the future and that I wanted her to prepare herself for that. And to decide for herself if she truley wanted this kind of relationship. I told her that she was the one that would have live with her choices and that I would love her no matter what and would always be there to support her.
I think she feels like I am critizing her because of her choice with him. The thing is alot of people have asked me what she sees in him. Alot of people not just me has seen his actions. She thinks she can inspire him to change. I think he may for now but in the long run he will be back to the same person where she has to carry the load of everything. Even now she does alot of looking things up for him for homework and once I even found out she was doing his homework for him. He is a freshman in college, she a senior in high school.
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:08pm

re: "...think that my DD sees any criticism of her b/f as being a criticism of her - after all she "choose" him as her b/f, therefore, I am criticizing her choice..."

wow. I had *never* thought of it that way. I don't know that boys "personalize" things as much as girls, but still, that is a *very* good thought for me to bear in mind when dealing with my sons' choices of friends and g/fs. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:26pm

She asked for a reason, even if she won't admit it. You did the right thing and I'll bet you'll find out that she was listening.

It would be different if she hadn't asked. But she did.
jt

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:28pm
Sounds like you are handling things well. For what it's worth, your post helped me feel like I am not alone... I'm in the exact same position as you and am trying to handle it tactfully. Is her dad in the picture? How does he handle things with the bf?
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:19pm
Yes her dad is involved. We have been married almost 27 years. He is planning on having a talk with her soon. But sometimes he is afraid to say much because he doesn't want her mad at him. I told him that I would rather her be mad at me for awhile then to suffer her whole life. He sees the same thing as I do in this boy. I know 17 is young but she is determined this is the guy she is going to spend the rest of her life with. And that she knows she can motivate him to acheive. But we see the opposite. He is demotivating her or taking the credit for her acheivements.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 8:16am
Soooo familiar! I have read similar posts and am in the same situation myself. I think I am seeing my daughter realize that maybe her bf is NOT the man she will spend her future with. I think. I thought that about 4 months ago, tried to push her a little into breaking it off and then they were back to being very close again. arghh. So, be careful that you don't say too much; but I agree with one of the previous posters who said SHE asked YOU so she must be wondering what you think. I'll bet your opinion mattered to her. Good luck.
Debbie

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