Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Help!
11
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 6:27pm
We have a problem that is quite difficult. We have some close

friends of ours who have a 14 year old son. Well My wife is 26

and this teenager always finds a way to expose himself to her.

It has happend three times so far and we know we have to tell

his parents. I just want to do the right thing for his sake so

he doesn't do this to some stranger who will report him to

the police. The first two times could of been on accident he

left the restroom door open and she walked in on him. The second

time he was walking from the changing room by the pool at their

house and he dropped his towel. The third time just this past

weekend he called her into his room to show her something on

his computer and he was exposed. Help!!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:22pm
What are you hesitating or waiting for? The only reason this kid continues to expose himself to your wife is because he's figured out that he CAN and nothing's going to happen.

His parents are legally responsible for him. First, you HAVE to tell them - and immediately. Don't act apologetic. Just call them and tell them, 'I'm really sorry that this has to be said, but there is no way around it. The first couple times, we felt this might have been by accident. Now it's no accident. Your son deliberately dropped his towel in front of my wife by the pool and called her to see something on the computer while he was left exposed at the COMPUTER. I realize he's 14. I realize there's a totally stupid song getting air play these days all about a teenager whose friend Stacy's mom 'has got it goin on'. But this is VERY disturbing and we are very concerned about him.'

You need to draw the boundaries. The boy is exhibiting behaviours that are full of disrespect and demonstrate exhibitionistic behaviours. He is going to get himself into REAL trouble if someone doesn't figure out how to get him to see what he is doing and why it's wrong QUICKLY. Let the parents know that if this happens ONCE more that you will have to take your concerns further and spend some time researching who the appropriate field would deal with this best.

Your friendship with these people is going to be in real jeopardy over this, yes. But it already IS in jeopardy. If you say nothing, this boy will continue and his actions will only escalate over more time and silence emboldening him and then, if you finally say something THEN - his parents will - rightfully - demand to know why you didn't say anything before. At least right now, you are still 'in the right' and they MIGHT hear you better. Don't count on it though. They may tell you you are overreacting and that you don't have a 14 yo son so you have no idea what it's like or whatever else they might come up with. But at this point? What does that even matter? The damage is already done. Right now, what matters is this kid getting intervention and being taught right from wrong and that not everything 'goes' NOW. Not in 5 years when he could be real trouble.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 12:38am

great advice! also - you need to be very careful. if you wait too long, when it comes to light (and it will, these "things" have a way of being found out), it will appear to be very suspicious why your wife never said anything or did anything. this kid could end up twisting things around to make it appear like it was her fault (and she IS the adult). take care of this NOW. good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: mickv28
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 7:01am
It sounds to me that this boy has some problems, this is not normal teenage behavior, or isn't among the teens I know. I've read that some sexually abused young people expose themselves to others as a way of regaining sexual power, though I'm sure not all exposers have been abused. How did your wife react when this happened? Did she act shocked? - which may be the response he was looking for. Did she matter of factly tell him to cover up? - which may help limit this behavior. Usually exposers are looking for the shock value - it gives them power over their victims, which is often the root of this kind of behavior. I once cared for an exposer when I was about 27 or 28...he was 50 or so. At first it really left me flustered, but an older, much more experienced nurse advised me to tell him to just matter of factly tell him to cover up and walk away...when I did it was the last time he ever exposed himself to me.

In any case, it's very important that you let the boy's parent's know what is going on so they can seek the help they need to get to the root of the problem. If nobody intervenes, chances are he will continue to do this, and in a few years it will cause huge problems for him. His parents may not initially believe you...this IS their little boy you're talking about engaging in some pretty not normal behavior...but it's important that you stick to your guns. This boy needs to understand that he CANNOT do this, and his parents have to intervene for his own good. Be sensitive to their feelings too, I know as the mom to 3 teen boys, it would about devestate me to hear that one of them were doing something like this. If the parents aren't receptive to you when you talk to them, is there a counselor at school you could talk to, or a clergyman? *Somebody* needs to help this boy understand the seriousness of what he's doing. If he should ever expose himself to younger girls, the consequences would be awful! Not to say what it would do to the girls. I would also say to write down everything you can about this, just to cover your wife, especially the details of your conversation with his parents and their reactions...just to cover your wife. Being the adult in the situation, if this ever comes to light and it looks like she did nothing to stop it, it could be twisted that she's encouraging it which could be a real mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 12:22pm

I agree with the others - what are you waiting for??



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 1:15pm
Wow! You guys are awesome. I feel that my initial gut feeling

to talk to the parenst is correct. We have already took notes

so we can give account to the parents exactly what happened.

When my wife seen she acted as if she did't se so the young

man didn't get a reaction from her. However, the last time she

told him to cover up. We are going to talk to them this week.

Thanks again for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 12:35pm
We talked to the parents last night. We were very candid and to the

point. The parents felt very bad about the whole situation. Apparently

my wife isn't the first person he has done this to. They are going to

seek a family counselor. Thanks again everybody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 1:49pm
A) Inform parents of son's indecent behavior. They need to know.

B) Inform Teen he is not welcome in your house.

Give him one month - he could be invited back with apology and indication that he will never repeat the behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:17pm
Well put!!! Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:00pm
"Give him one month - he could be invited back with apology and indication that he will never repeat the behavior."

He wouldn't be invited back in my home. As with my daughter's friends who come here if they do not respect me, her, or our home they are never welcome here ever again. I don't care what "indication" that he will never repeat the behvaivor is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
In reply to: mickv28
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:55pm
Just my opinion--- what 14 yo would be caught exposing himeslf in this way? If true, he has serious problems. If not true---sounds like a made up story by a snert. Seen this time and time again on message boards. Makes me naturally skeptical of messages with weird sexual scenarios. Sorry for being skeptical.

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