help! 14 y.o. dd going boy crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
help! 14 y.o. dd going boy crazy
10
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:35am
my 14 y.o. dd has a new b/f now for about 2 weeks. I am trying to get her to concentrate on school and not so much on boys. She thinks she should be allowed to go out to dinner on valentine's day. I said no. Am i doing the right thing? She is furious with me because i said she was too young. help! she is my first teen. I have an 11 y.o. and 6 y.o sons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 1:36am

Welcome to the fray...
As this is your oldest, thus first teen, you should probably be prepared for the next few years in which you will undoubtably be the dumbest person alive.
According to your teen, You, and you alone, are the ONLY parent who would not allow a dinner date at 14. How archaic of you...Of course, at 14 she is fully versed and prepared to handle all of the complications of dating. Supervision? Bah! What.. do you think... they're going to do something STUPID?
Obviously, I'm joking...(something I've been doing lately to keep from killing the cats..)

Anyway..Personally, I wouldn't allow my 14 yr old to date one-on-one even if it is valentines day and they've been going out a whopping TWO weeks (a long term relationship at 14)..

<<>>
Frazzeled, seriously, you need to remove this question from your repitore or you will drive yourself crazy. Teens are SO good at making us second guess ourselves it's not even funny. Perhaps there are 14 yr. olds out there that are ready for this. I would guess most are not. Perhaps there are circumstances where a special occassion "quasi-date" may be appropriate.
But the main point is...YOU think she's too young.
That's it..desino..end of argument..End of discussion.
Despite the ensuing scene...she'll get over it.... :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 4:01am

i agree with dadioe and get ready for the door slamming, eye rolling, loud "sighs", etc etc that goes along with the joys (???) of having a teen.


the important thing for you to do, right now, is figure out what the rules out and inform your teen what they are. it doesn't matter what *we* think - what matters is what you and your child's father (if he is in the picture) think. for example: no one-on-one dating until you are 16, 17 or 25 (lol). in by 9, 10 whatever on school nights and 11 on weekends. no having bf over when nobody is home - and no going to bf's house when nobody is home there. is she going to yell and fight and tell you what a hopeless outdated fuddy duddy you are? yes. and you are gong to weaken for a moment (after all this is your child and all you want is for her to be happy....) but - hang strong! just as toddlers needs boundaries, so do teens. try to formulate these rules in postive and not negative terms such as "we only allow group dating" instead of "we do not allow one on one dating"


at the same time, try to move away from statements like "you are too young" (you are NEVER going to convince a 14-going-on-30 YO that they are 'too young'). try to spend some one-on-one time with her just talking and listening. get to KNOW her friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:47am

Hi and welcome to the board!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:47am

Your's a much better response...

I was only focusing on establishing guidelines and sticking to them.

You point out all the other important concerns.... listen, communicate, keep those doors open, etc..
And the "too young" thing... I wish I would have read your post 2 years ago. While it's absolutely true, it's a useless statement that only creates defensiveness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:19am

ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.

And, sk, thanks for putting into words what has essentially been our philosophy with our boy-crazy-since-preschool dd. I have heard "I'd NEVER allow that" over and over - what we've chosen to do is to be accepting and create limits and boundries as we go. She's talking more than ever to us and they both accept the limits we set.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 8:17am

Well, Frazzled, you've gotten some great advice, so I'm not going to say much (surprise, gang, right?? LOL), other than try not to second guess yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:28pm
Thanks for your reply. I have to say that dh and I held on to what we believed in and did not allow her to go out yesterday. She was sad and said some mean things. We had a long and hard talk and it seens like she understood where we are coming from. Keeping fingers crossed and hoping it gets better not worse. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:30pm
thanks for the words of encouragement. Things seems to have calm down today since we had a long and hard talk. We will see what happens from here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:31pm
thanks for your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:28pm
Uh...no....14 is indeed too young to go out on a dinner date!!! Gosh, why are these kids in such a rush to grow up?!