Help- 15 yr. old is pregnant...
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Help- 15 yr. old is pregnant...
| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:27am |
I just found out my 15 yr. old daughter is pregnant--- 6 months pregnant! I want her to give the child up for adoption for my daughter and the childs sake.. She thinks she and her boyfriend can raise this child when everyone knows it would be me... is there a website for this type situation?

Oh my goodness....what a turn of events! It must be so shocking to you. But before you make any decisions, either of you, take a few deep breaths and consider all the options, pros and cons.
Obviously its too late for terminating the pregnancy so that is out of the picture. But now that you are faced with this eventuality calmly sit down and evaluate both the options of keeping the child vs giving the child up. And remember, the boys family must if at all possible be involved in these decisions. He cannot abdicate his parental responsibilities here.
Some key questions you need to ask yourselves...
1. Can all of you live with the emotional impact of adoption? This isn't as easy as it sounds. Many people go all their lives wishing and wondering and regretting. And in this case it would be an entire extended group wondering about this child/grandchild/nephew/niece. Can you and your daughter deal with going through carrying a child to term, delivering that child, holding that child in your arms and then giving it away? If you go this route remember to give your daughter alot of support morally and emotionally even to the extent of professional therapy. You may even need it yourself.
2. If you decide to keep this child do you want your daughter to raise this child on her own or would you prefer she continue her education and establish a good solid future for herself and her child? You need to get the father involved (again if possible) and very seriously consider your legal options. You may want to ensure that there is financial support for your daughter and for the baby. Your daughter and this boy cannot and should not become full time parents. They need to educate themselves. Now what does that mean to you? You'd have to ask yourself what you want to do? Do you want to care for this child or should there be sitters involved or should you share duties with the boy's family? Fact is even grown, married people go through this kind of thing.
What is done is done now. And this needs to be solved as a family and with the boys family as well for the sake of all the children involved, baby and parents.
Good luck and let us know what you finally decide...
Oh my goodness.
There are many resources out there to help teen parents
It varies by area but Healthy Families or Early Head Start are good places to start looking. There are programs specifically for teenagers. Call hospitals, your Early INtervention system, mental health facilities and see what is out there. Certainly talk with your high school-this isnt the first time theyve dealt with this issue
All this is, of course, designed with the idea that she is going to keep the child and these programs will help her raise it
I would be supportive in terms of finding the community resources to make it work NOT in volunteering to provide child care, financial aid, etc yourself. Teach her to advocate for herself and for her child
And, as tempting as Im sure it is to say "If YOU think Im going to help you raise this baby......" I would bite my tongue. You will most likely end up regretting it later :(
Wow - what a tough situation. I'm sure all of you have very mixed emotions. I found two web sites on teen parenting. Not sure if it's what you were looking for.
http://www.utdallas.edu/~tms014200/
http://www.teenageparent.org/english/engindex.html
I honestly don't know how I'd handle this situation, so I don't have any great advice. Just sending you and your DD (((HUGS))) as you work your way through the next few months.
Sue
I just want to say how sorry I am for your situation. Everyone has offered some great links to sites where you can get more information and possibly support.
The thought of dd keeping the baby is crazy - you and I both know who would be raising that baby. This is a no-win scenario because giving the baby up will mean lots of tears on everybody's part, but I believe it would be the best situation for all concerned in the end. I understand there are also "open" adoptions and perhaps you could still be a part of this child's life in some small way.
Good luck and God bless...
I don't think kids realize how life altering having sex can be, for themselves and everyone around them. One thing you may want to consider is sitting down with her and discussing what she wants for her future. Too many girls that have kids that young end up having more before they are 18. She needs to understand that she still has a future and think about what she will need to do to achieve her goals with a child, if she decides to keep the baby. She should have an idea of what she is getting into, and not just vague ideas, like "well, I will just go to school." how? "oh I'll figure it out." You may just want to have a plan for how she will attend school, who will care for the baby, how she will pay for formula/diapers, and she will need to know she is giving up most of her social life. Having a baby is hard enough for married adult women!
I became an unwed mom at 19, I was older, an adult, out of the house, but it was very difficult. We were on welfare for 2 years, then just foodstamps while I worked part time and attended college full time. I got student loans, some grants, never qualified for any scholarships, unfortunately. I did most of it without my mom's financial help. I completed college, got a good job and just bought a townhouse last year.
My daughter is also 15 and one of her friends is pregnant. We've talked about it a lot. She says she can't imagine having a kid in 4 years, let alone right now. She remembers walking to school with me, she went to the daycare on campus and we didn't have a car. I've told her I would like things to be easier for her, not having to drag around a toddler all over campus while sorority girls ask you if you'd like to pledge (my response, oh, do you have family housing?). Also, try to keep the peace with the boy and his family, after all, they will be your family now. I see how doing that has made a world of difference for my daughter compared to some of her friends.
Anyway, I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I agree with counseling for both, as an outlet if nothing else. Good luck to you and your family.
Hi :)
I am sorry to hear that your family is going through such a stressful time.
First, a quick background on me... My name is Becca, I'm 24, and I got pregnant with my dd Lizabeth when I was 16. I also currently have full custody of my 17 year old cousin.
I skimmed through some of the other posts, and it seems like you have already gotten some good advice and resources.
I did want to point out one thing however... There seems to be a theme among some responses, and in your original post (<>) that a teenager is incapable of being a mother. If she perceives that everyone around her has that attitude and expectation for her - chances are she will live up to it.
As her mother, your job is to help, guide and make/influence *some* decisions for her.
She however, is the mother of her child, and it is her job to make decisions regarding her child.
She will definitely need guidance and *lots* of support - but she has the right to be the one to make decisions for and about her child. This includes the decision to keep the baby. Even at 15, she is still a mother and that emotional tie to the child will still be there, even if the desired responsibility/maturity level isn't.
I agree with others that you need to sit down and come up with a plan. Tell her what your expectations are for her as your child - and tell her what you are and are not willing to do for your grandchild.
All over the US and the World, grandparents happily provide childcare. Of course you need to consider the time you are able/willing to offer her - but please try not to have the attitude of "I'm not caring for this baby - its your problem". It seems often that planned babies of older parents are cared for by grandparents without anyone thinking anything of it other than 'how nice/sweet'... somehow there is an attitude that if the mom is younger, the grandparents are 'being taken advantage of' by providing childcare.
(just trying to provide another perspective, because I see that situation a lot)
As a mother, your dd has the potential to be a very capable parent.
If you encourage her, provide her with resources and stick to your guns (as far as your expectations for her) you will lay the foundation for her to be successful.
Of course she has no idea what she is getting herself into, and of course she isn't prepared. But at this point, you can't fault her for being 15.
She *can* do this (and as the baby's mother she has a right), but she will need your support (and as her mother, I encourage you to support her as much as you can).
It definitely won't be easy (for either of you)... But if her heart is set on keeping this baby, I encourage you to prepare her the best you can, empower her as much as possible - and try to celebrate the new life that is coming.
Best of luck to you, I hope you stick around - the women here are great!!!!!!
~Becca