Help! 17 daughter stayed out all night

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Help! 17 daughter stayed out all night
13
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:11pm
Help! My 17 year old daughter went out last night with her adult boyfriend and another female friend. They went to the movies and were told to come straight home. I woke up this morning to seeing her kissing him in his car. He is an adult but can only go on supervised dates with her.
What should I do as far as punishment?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:49pm

My first question would be, Why is she dating an adult man at 17, and why are you allowing it?( isn't it illegal in your state)How old is "adult"?

Second I would say to sit down with her and lay out some rules,
I know if my 18yo stayed out all night she would not be seeing the person she stayed out with again as long as she lives in my house.My dd is not perfect, she is 18, and is free to leave if she doesn't live by our rules, she doesn't have to like them.

I would draw the line however at her seeing an adult male, chaperoned or not..chaperones, especially friends can be bribed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 6:42am

I guess my first question would be, how old is this "adult man"? 19? 20? 21? How close to 18 is DD? I guess what I'm getting at is, what is the age difference here... if there is only a couple of years between them, it's a whole different picture than if he's 25 and she's 17 or 18.

Forbidding the relationship is going to backfire in a huge way, I wouldn't go there. I think I'd go in the direction of grounding for maybe a week - "if you can't come home at a reasonable hour, then maybe you shouldn't be going out at all." Make sure the grounding goes clear thru at least one weekend... grounding on school nights doesn't make near the same impact as grounding on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 8:42am

I agree with the grounding

Or move her curfew an hour earlier 'until you show me you can follow the rules'

As alarming as it might have been, it is a one time slip up so deal with it as such(TRY not to overreact)

Some parents have alarm clocks near their bedrooms set for a few minutes after curfew and the teen is expected to turn it off when they come home(and, hopefully, stay home)That way you can sleep and still have an idea of her return

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:03am
My daughter will be 18 in June. This guy seems like a really nice guy he is 24. I see how crazy she is about him. Also, for the past 5 yrs, my ex has been trying to get her to live with him. He is not stable. Point is, I trust my daughter and she is very mature for her age. But she really violated my trust now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 10:30am

My DD is almost 18 and I would have a real problem w/ her dating a 24 yo man, although I don't know how possible it is to forbid this. I wonder what a 24 yo is doing w/ a girl who is still in high school and I would wonder about his maturity. If it was a college age man, I would have less trouble w/ this, but at 24, he should be "grown up", working, etc., so why isn't he going w/ a woman his own age? I would also pretty much assume that he will be expecting sexual activity. Maybe he can wait a certain amt. of time, but it's highly unlikely that a man that age isn't going to want sex, unless he's highly religious or something. I hope you have talked to your DD about birth control cause if she has already stayed out all night, what was she doing? Does he have his own apt? If so, they don't have to worry about where to go to do it.

I know I'm being pretty alarming here and certainly 17 yo kids can be having sex too. I remember that my DD was at a family Christmas party a year ago when she was almost 17. My DH's (her stepfather) nephew and his friend's nephew, who were both about 21, were kind of flirting w/ her and she thought it was gross because they were too old. I would only be comfortable w/ her dating someone who was a year or two older than she is. When she goes to college, I know she will have to make her own decisions, but still I would like the young man to be a college student also, at least until she's a junior or senior. I just think this guy has ulterior motives, no matter how nice he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:50am
I agree with you - there is just a world of difference emotionally between a 17yo and a 24yo.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 12:25pm

I think they both violated your trust.

Or perhaps ALL? Was the other girl the supervision you referred to?

I would speak with the couple together and make it clear that part of this deal is that she follows rules typical for a 17 yr old. I think its safe to assume he is calling the shots with that much of an age difference-she may not be protesting enough but he is driving and likely deciding the destinations

They both need to know you won't tolerate this-and if he loves her, he ought to be turning back flips to please you as the parent

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 4:49pm

Yeow!

One of my first questions is: What was her RESPONSE to having been out all night --- and then being confronted with the situation by her parent? That would tell me volumes.

While we all like to THINK our teens are mature, studies show that brain development is not yet complete. A decision like the one you described points that out. If it were me, my trust in her would have been violated --- and would change boundaries going forward.

I agree with the other respondants that a 6-7 year age difference is too wide at that age. Further, the boyfriend showed no concern/respect for your daughter or for her family by keeping her out all night. At 24, he should certainly know better. Also, most "adults" I know can't/don't stay out all night THEMSELVES because they have jobs, homes, pets, families, responsibilities. Is this "mature" young man devoid of all those things? If so, is he a good choice for your daughter?

Lastly, though I sound like a hard-liner, I have GREAT empathy for your situation. In the midst of a tough situation like this, hindsight is always 20-20. Your job as a parent is NOW to make the best decisions going forward for your daughter. If she was mine, I'd take a good, long look at the levels of maturity exhibited by these two young people and create adequate boundaries. In my house, she'd be grounded for MORE than a week, I'd speak with the young man as well, and any further contact would be under family supervision for quite some time. When she's living on her own, she can make her own decisions. When she's living in your house, she'd be accountable to her family, "almost 18" or not.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 8:49pm

You are right. They both violated my trust.
Her explanation of being out all night was.....After the movie, they caught the bus back to his car then the three of them drove to her house (not far from ours) and dropped her off. My daughter said that she was hungry so they stopped at the store for something to eat. Meanwhile she told us that she was on her way home. They drove to our house, parked, ate, and watched DVDs on his portable DVD player. He said he was too tired to drive home (he lives an hour away) so decided to crash in his car at a nearby park. She gave him some blankets and that's when I saw them.

He does work pt (retail) and goes to college. The reason he's still in college is because he took some time off to care for his terminally ill sister. He lives at home, goes to church and will graduate this year.

My daughter met him in college. You see, she is getting college credit while still enrolled in high school (although she does not take any classes at her high school). She is totally dependant on her older brother to get to and from school (he goes to a different college 2 miles away from her college).

This guy catches the bus to school to save on gas money. But he does have acess to a car if he needs it.

I've already explained to him that they should not be out past midnight because he has such a long commute home. he agreed with me. When I do speak with him, I will tell him how irresponsible he was and how he violated my trust.

He will not be going out with her for a month, nor will he be allowed to "visit" till I've cooled down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:13pm

Normally I would agree but it really depends on the people involved. Sounds like this young woman is already taking college courses and that she is a mature person.

What "ulterior motives" could a young man of 24 have that a young man of 18 wouldn't have?

Pages