Help! 17 daughter stayed out all night

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Help! 17 daughter stayed out all night
13
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:11pm
Help! My 17 year old daughter went out last night with her adult boyfriend and another female friend. They went to the movies and were told to come straight home. I woke up this morning to seeing her kissing him in his car. He is an adult but can only go on supervised dates with her.
What should I do as far as punishment?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:38pm
One big difference I see between a 24yo and an 18yo is that a 24yo is a legal adult in every aspect.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:08am

OK - throwing in my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth.

I agree with most of the posters here - there is a VAST difference between a 24 year old and a 17 year old - I don't care how mature the 17 year old is. However, we all know what forbidding the relationship will do, and there ARE situations where older/younger relationships work (my mother was 18 - and my father 24 - when they met and married).

That doesn't mean I condone such a thing. My 18 year old son has a crush on a 28 year old man - and the crush is reciprocated (no, I don't think my son is significantly more mature than anyone else - but the 28 year old, I believe, is VERY immature). They are both aware that I do not approve of or condone such a relationship - but they are also both aware that I know I can do nothing to stop it if they decide to go forward. Believe it or not, what usually ends up happening is that the younger party gets bored with the older one - and the OLDER one ends up getting hurt.

Secondly - the truth is there is NO difference between the ulterior motives of a 24 year old man and an 18 year old boy - except that the 24 year old might actually be MORE mature than the 18 year old and be looking for something a little more substantial - when I was a teenager, the younger guys were no less pushy and frisky (and usually more so) than the older ones I went out with. Yes, a 24 year old can buy alcohol - but only legally - the 18 year olds can get it, believe me - I've taken it away from several of them.

The REAL issue here, from what I'm gathering from the original poster, is not the age difference - she's accepted the relationship and put restrictions in place. The issue is staying out all night - completely unacceptable (in fact, it's unacceptable at any age unless you, as the parent, have been called and told).

If, as is stated, the boy (actually MAN) was "too tired" to drive all the way home, why didn't she bring him in, wake you up and tell you he was there, and give him blankets to sleep on the couch? I never know who I'm going to find sleeping on the floor of the living room in my house when I wake up, because my son knows I'd rather everyone crash at my house than anyone crash on the way home.

Anytime my children have violated my trust with the help of friends, I have not allowed them to see those friends again until the "friends" and I have had a talk. Here's how I handle it...(this works particularly well with people you wouldn't ordinarily allow your children to associate with - such as those much older)...

"Having my trust will make life infinitely easier for you - there are things I would not ordinarily allow my son to do that, because he's with you, and you've shown me that you are willing and able to follow my rules, I WILL allow. When you violate those rules, you violate my trust, and as in a game of "Chutes and Ladders," go all the way back to the beginning. If I can't trust you to abide by my rules, obviously I have to keep a much closer eye on you than I have been - and you will have to earn my trust back. It's up to you whether you want to earn MY trust or not - but not having it will not bode well for you. I cannot stop my son from seeing you, but if you are not going to willingly obey my rules, you are showing a lack of respect for me, and you will no longer be welcome inmy home. Do not call here - do not knock on the door. Yes, you can sneak around to see my son, but after being out in the open, see how much fun that is."

I have had to do that twice - with two different people - and the trust violation was never repeated by either of them. There was a third - she is no longer welcome in my home and, unlike some parents who just tell their children they don't like certain friends, I will tell her to her face why I don't like her and that she should consider herself lucky I haven't told her parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 2:58pm

Wow. There's lots going on with this situation. It sounds like you're on the right track though. I'm "with you" on the month grounding period. It indicates to both your daughter and her boyfriend that you're serious about this. Good for you!

At my house, I find that a firm curfew eliminates many problems. Okay --- "she got hungry," but if it would have caused her to violate curfew, she could have found something to eat in her own home. Watched DVDs in his car? Hmmm. Was she in her room by curfew? At my house, sitting in the driveway with a guy doesn't count. One of the best things we can do for our kids is to help them exercise boundaries.

I'm glad the boyfriend goes to church, college, works part-time and has shown past strength of character to care for an ill family member. I'm proud of your daughter for taking college classes while in high school. (You go girl!) Yet while they gets kudos for all those things, they still violated the rules. (In another example, no matter how many acts of community service I've done in the past, I'll still get a ticket if I violate the speed limit in my town...) Those two will learn more from logical consequences than from all the lecturing you could ever hope to do.

It was a serious situation. Congrats for treating it with respect. Your daughter made a mistake. Your job is to make sure she knows WHY it was a mistake, HOW she can keep from making another in the future, and HOW MUCH you still love her, no matter what.

Here's wishing you the best!

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