Help with 18 year old son and motivation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2011
Help with 18 year old son and motivation.
25
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 2:56pm

My son is 18 years old he is a senior in High school and lacks motivation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 4:36pm

18 seems awfully late to suddenly be concerned about son's motivation.

What was he doing at 8? Has he ever had any responsibility? Chores, a pet, violin lessons?

This is difficult to make suggestions with so little information other than he dosen't play sports.

The thing about the car, was the friend that died in a car accident a very close friend? It sounds as though counseling may be in order before you continue to push so hard about son getting a car of his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 7:03pm

I don't really think that having a car of his own is a necessity.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 7:59pm

I have to agree w/KJD--<<<18 seems awfully late to suddenly be concerned about son's motivation.

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:13am

Hugs to you. Don't listen to other posters with their assumptions that you just didn't do the right things when he was little. This is a generational issue from what I've seen. I have 4 nieces and nephews who were bright, did chores , had good grades and motivation as children and early teens. Then, they turned 17/18 and just lost it all. Some of it was burn out. They got tired. I worry about this with my high achieving 14-year-old who just works her tail off. For some, it was fear. Watching the adults in their lives struggle to find work (and you aren't the only family with these struggles) is disconcerting. The inability to pay for college (and when state schools are 15,000 just for tuition it's a real rising problem.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 11:22am

You

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 12:01pm

Kids are different, even those coming from the same gene pool. Was your ds involved in things when he was younger such as music, art, academic organizations, youth group, etc. There's lots of things besides sports. I think some of the op's were asking about that to determine whether he used to be more involved/motivated and this is a change or whether he's always lacked some motivation. I have one of each. Older ds was always very self-motivated academically, heavily involved in band, martial arts, worked part time his senior year of high school, etc. He's now in his first year of med school. Younger ds started out in several things in high school but by senior year just did youth group. His grades also slowly went down hill. He had a couple jobs his senior year (like you, we kind of forced him) but he lost both of those jobs - probably because he was always the first to volunteer to go home early! He's just always liked his 'down time'. He did go away to college right after high school but ended up flunking out that spring. Tried CC a year later and still didn't do great. He's now 21 and working full time and living at home. We made it clear that if he wasn't going to go to school he could only stay here if he was working. He pays for all his own gas/spending money/etc. and we're in the process of transferring his insurance over. He has mentioned a couple times recently that he wants to go back to school and the company he works at has a tuition reinbursement plan. He's also talking about moving out but on minimum wage it's going to be hard to swing all of that - of course we hope he goes back to school. Like the one other poster, I, too, know of a young man that actually dropped out of college to do a full-time Ebay business. He employs his mom to help with the packaging/shipping and is making great money.

As has been suggested I'd just make it clear to your ds that he either has to go to school or work once he graduates, that he can't continue to stay there if he's just getting buy on the odd selling of items for fun money. And you might want to re-consider cash gifts or expensive 'toys' knowing that he may just turn around and sell it. Keep us posted!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 12:43pm

"Kids are different, even those coming from the same gene pool."

Oh, my, isn't this the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2011
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 3:46pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2011
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 4:25pm

When he quit his job I told him that we would not give him any money other than for school lunch and neccessities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 4:44pm

A lot of stores now actually require people to apply on-line--they don't accept applications in the stores anymore.

I can sympathize to some extent--maybe he just doesn't really need a lot of spending money, although it doesn't seem fair that he's mooching off his friend (or really the friend's unsuspecting parents) often.

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