help with 18 yr old ds
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help with 18 yr old ds
| Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:30am |
My 18 year old shocked me tonight. He is a smart kid who has blown off school the past few years, is a total procrastinator, doesn't do his work, etc. He is also a kind kid who I thought respected me.
He gave himself a deadline of thanksgiving to get his college essay completed. So he writes it in five minutes and emails it to me to read, and it is just terrible. He talked about how he skips school, and how being honorable is not possible, and a bunch of other stuff that wouldn't exactly enamor him to a college admissions officer. (Shock #1)
So I told him he needed to get the essay done and not go out with his friends. I've told him I think he lacks discipline and I'm not so sure he's ready to go to college. Tonight I told him if he goes out and doesn't do the essay, he is telling me volumes about his character and there will be repercussions. (He thinks this means I'm not paying for his college, and I have told him that if he isn't willing to work for his grades, I'm not going to work my butt off for him, either.)
Anyways, he said he was going to "take a nap and think about it" but what he really did was lock his room, sneak out, and take the car to meet his friends.
Here is our text conversation:
Me: I'm disappointed
Him: And I'm ready for a new phase in my life and what better way to start than being grounded for quite some time
Me: You couldn't even tell me your decision like a man? You had to be a liar?
Him: Yes, I am a liar
Me: Don't be this way. You need to come home so we can talk.
Him: Its too late. We're almost there and I don't want to make them turn around.
I am furious, hurt, disappointed, and angry. I don't know how I raised this kid to turn out this way. I need advice.
He gave himself a deadline of thanksgiving to get his college essay completed. So he writes it in five minutes and emails it to me to read, and it is just terrible. He talked about how he skips school, and how being honorable is not possible, and a bunch of other stuff that wouldn't exactly enamor him to a college admissions officer. (Shock #1)
So I told him he needed to get the essay done and not go out with his friends. I've told him I think he lacks discipline and I'm not so sure he's ready to go to college. Tonight I told him if he goes out and doesn't do the essay, he is telling me volumes about his character and there will be repercussions. (He thinks this means I'm not paying for his college, and I have told him that if he isn't willing to work for his grades, I'm not going to work my butt off for him, either.)
Anyways, he said he was going to "take a nap and think about it" but what he really did was lock his room, sneak out, and take the car to meet his friends.
Here is our text conversation:
Me: I'm disappointed
Him: And I'm ready for a new phase in my life and what better way to start than being grounded for quite some time
Me: You couldn't even tell me your decision like a man? You had to be a liar?
Him: Yes, I am a liar
Me: Don't be this way. You need to come home so we can talk.
Him: Its too late. We're almost there and I don't want to make them turn around.
I am furious, hurt, disappointed, and angry. I don't know how I raised this kid to turn out this way. I need advice.

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IMO, this kid is practically screaming "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE" no matter what he might be saying.
Goodmorning three lol,
It really sounds like IMHO your son is angry at something and wants to push you to your limits. It does sound like he doesn't want to go to college and its hard enough even when you want to be there.He is 18 see if you can
Don't give up him.
If they aren't enjoying high school, they have been counting the days until they are done with school. Any and all of our talk about how college is different than high school falls on deaf ears.
He doesnt want to go to college because he wants to be done with school-period. Likely has no idea what he WANTS to do because this has been taking up his thought process
BTDT and I came to these conclusions after the fact, not during the time it was happening in our home
You need to 'allow' him to say he doesnt want to go and, trust me, that is complicated. You can't send the "Im going to be so disappointed in you" vibes
If he insists he wants to go, you really have to shut up and let him send the essay as it is. At least that's my opinion-I feel we 'owe' them a semester(doesnt mean pay every penny but I think we owe them the chance we were originally going to give, if only to assuage our own future guilt)
If he says no, then he needs to find a job(and he doesnt need the minimum wage lecture, just your support)
JMO. I have BTDT and things are going well(even in MY mom opinion) There seem to be a good chunk of boys who are so turned off by high school they dont want to continue on...just check the stats-your son isnt an anomaly. In '05, college had 57% females-not sure where it is now
You have been given some good advice. However, I would be careful about taking away "gifts". Once you "gift" someone or provide something for their sole use, it is the person's property. It is no longer your property to dispose of as you want to.
Your son is too immature to go to college. If he doesn't take apply seriously enough to write a creditable essay then he either has no interest in going or is completely clueless as to what colleges are looking for. He is acting like it is a joke.
We have the option here that kids can do a "victory lap". They can stay another year in high school, even if they passed. A good percentage of kids actually do that. They take/re-take courses. They have an extra year to grow up and save $$. It does do wonders. After a year, many have "got it together" and are ready to move on. If he has this option, I would look into it. I honestly don't believe kids should go to college/university just "because". They should not go because it is expected or because everyone else is or they have nothing else to do or it is a way to kill four years..
So, step back and treat him like the adult he is suppose to be. If he doesn't go to college (and doesn't give going to college the degree of seriousness it requires), he goes to work and starts to stand on his own two feet.
My sister had similar problems with her sons. They floundered for a few years but are both now doing extremely well. It takes awhile for some kids,especially boys, to grow up but many do and turn out very well.
I'd let him know that the decision of whether he goes to a university, junior college, community college, a trade school or simply gets a job after high school is his; and that you're just trying to help him keep all options open when you push him to write a good essay.
When you say he's a smart kid, do you mean he's taken honors classes and is in the top 10% of his class and scored well on his college entrance exams?
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Great advice! Thank you all! Here's Part II:
I stomped down to his room this morning and told him to get out of bed--I wanted to know when he changed into the person he is now.
So he came up and said he regrets going, that in hindsight it wasn't the best of moves, but we had this very long discussion about his lack of discipline and his lack of respect. He told me he feels he is now an adult and it is time to make some decisions, even if they are bad ones.
He says he really wants to go to college, even though he hasn't applied to any (yet.) Someone asked how I define "smart kid". He got a 31 on his ACT and has taken many of the AP classes our school offered by his junior year. He got 4's and 5's on his AP Calculus and AP Chemistry test and is now in the 2nd AP Calc (BC?) in a private study with a math teacher and AP English. I let him drop AP History with his promise he'd read four Pulitzer Prize winning history books of his choice.
You probably don't have to be told he still hasn't finished even one of them.
He has a 3.7 GPA in spite of never doing a homework assignment his whole junior year. This year his teachers have said he is turning work in on time and is all caught up. I haven't heard that in quite a while.
He does have his own car in his own name. My brother gave him his old one this summer, so he bought himself a one way ticket to the East coast and drove it back himself to the Rocky Mountain area. So, he does have responsibility when he wants to, which is totally maddening.
The car just happens to be in the shop right now, and this morning I told him it was his responsibility to get it out. I'm done, and if he takes one of the cars in my name, I will call the police and report it stolen. I told him to factor time in to get on the bus.
He has had a job the past two winters and will start at the same place on Wednesday. It took him MONTHS to go back to the place and apply.
I've told him for the last year he needs to wait to go to college, and what I think he needs is to go international and work a year and support himself. We have a lot of international students that come to our town for a year to work (we live in a resort area.) I have seen how that matures kids and think it would benefit my son.
If the world wasn't such a dangerous place right now, I would strongly encourage him to join the armed forces. I think it would be excellent for him, but I'm really afraid for him with all the crazy stuff going on in Iraq, Afghanistan, and who-knows-where in the next four years.
He says the "new phase in his life" is one of newfound responsibility and discipline. I say I've heard it all before......
"He says he really wants to go to college, even though he hasn't applied to any (yet.)...He got a 31 on his ACT and has taken many of the AP classes our school offered by his junior year. He got 4's and 5's on his AP Calculus and AP Chemistry test"
He's got to be brilliant to have done that well without doing any homework his junior year!
I don't remember that turning 18 and becoming an adult was such a big deal when we were growing up, even though that was the drinking age back then. I guess I knew I'd be financially dependent on my parents through college, and never had that "wow...I'm free" feeling. I always felt a responsiblity to do well in college without any pressuring from my parents. Boys, it seems, are different. I know we remind/nag/pressure our DSs more than my parents ever nagged me or my sisters. DH and I are always telling each other to stay calm, and try not to bug them, but one of us always slips now and then. We really do need to let them figure things out for themselves.
One other thing to consider is the possibility your DS is into drugs. Marijuana can kill motivation, and students can still do well in school while using it. With all the newspaper clippings and website links I sent DS18 about drugs/drinking, and all the talking we did about it, he still had to experiment. When I hear he hasn't done well on an exam, I always worry that he might straying again. Now that he's home for Thanksgiving, I can see he's okay in that respect, at least for now.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
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Yes, yes, yes!
I believe I finished college before my brother even though he is 6 yrs older. He did the same sort of things my sons and,ironically HIS sons, have done. He had the added attraction of the draft back then which took 2 years.
Meanwhile, Ms Goody Two Shoes here never thought about it-just did her 4 years on the Deans list like I was 'supposed' to.
Can't draw any boy/girl conclusions of this generation since both my brother and I only have boys.
re: I don't remember that turning 18 and becoming an adult was such a big deal when we were growing up
and I always felt a responsiblity to do well in college without any pressuring from my parents. Boys, it seems, are different.
LOL
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