help with 18 yr old ds

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
help with 18 yr old ds
15
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 12:30am
My 18 year old shocked me tonight. He is a smart kid who has blown off school the past few years, is a total procrastinator, doesn't do his work, etc. He is also a kind kid who I thought respected me.
He gave himself a deadline of thanksgiving to get his college essay completed. So he writes it in five minutes and emails it to me to read, and it is just terrible. He talked about how he skips school, and how being honorable is not possible, and a bunch of other stuff that wouldn't exactly enamor him to a college admissions officer. (Shock #1)
So I told him he needed to get the essay done and not go out with his friends. I've told him I think he lacks discipline and I'm not so sure he's ready to go to college. Tonight I told him if he goes out and doesn't do the essay, he is telling me volumes about his character and there will be repercussions. (He thinks this means I'm not paying for his college, and I have told him that if he isn't willing to work for his grades, I'm not going to work my butt off for him, either.)
Anyways, he said he was going to "take a nap and think about it" but what he really did was lock his room, sneak out, and take the car to meet his friends.
Here is our text conversation:
Me: I'm disappointed
Him: And I'm ready for a new phase in my life and what better way to start than being grounded for quite some time
Me: You couldn't even tell me your decision like a man? You had to be a liar?
Him: Yes, I am a liar
Me: Don't be this way. You need to come home so we can talk.
Him: Its too late. We're almost there and I don't want to make them turn around.

I am furious, hurt, disappointed, and angry. I don't know how I raised this kid to turn out this way. I need advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 3:11pm

MOst of us don't define 'blowing off high school' in quite the same way you do ;)

Based on how well he has been doing, it sounds like this is likely a little blip of blowing off some steam as the pressure of college applications hits.

I do think we reward age with newfound expectations but sometimes forget to reward with newfound freedoms, KWIM? Maybe it's time to loosen up on some rule you have in place. Later curfew, more lenient on sleep hours-something to indicate there is something good(in his eyes)about this new stage in life

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 3:15pm
Well, shoot!... I must just be the odd (wo)man out.
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 3:58pm

I'm having a hard time reconciling the young man you spoke of in your 1st post to the young man you mentioned in your "part II" post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 8:46pm

If the world wasn't such a dangerous place right now, I would strongly encourage him to join the armed forces. I think it would be excellent for him, but I'm really afraid for him with all the crazy stuff going on in Iraq, Afghanistan, and who-knows-where in the next four years.


Just a little heads up - "them's fighting words" when talking to a military parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 11:37pm

Did you ever consider he doesn't WANT to leave home? Sounds like he could get into any school he wants. There are some that don't even require essays. Ask him if he wants to apply to one of them. He apparently dislikes homework, which the essay would be! Maybe a bad essay is his way of NOT getting in. I actually think he is probably just too lazy to do it.

I imagine by now you've sorted it out. What happened?

My son slacked off, and he wasn't a brilliant student anyway. He was a B, and not a high B student who had weak test scores. He got into one college so far and rejected by two. I decided that since one school was not a hard reach, and they declined him, that community college would be best for him, and for our pocketbook while we see his skill and dedication levels.

Your son has the skill, so send him to community college (if he hasn't accepted elsewhere already), demand A's (because he's WAY smart enough). I am paying my son's small community college tuition with a loan in my son's name. If he does well, we will pay it off, if he F's up, then it's his loan to take with him....whatever he does. My hubby is not up for a $20,000 experiment! (problem is whether he is really ready for competitive college classes combined with the fact that he is a VERY social animal)We hope to have him transfer to Rutgers after one year.

By the way, what kind of rules and curfews do most people keep on their high school seniors??

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