Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Help?
19
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 8:08am

I'm new here so please bear with me. I am a single mom to K, 16yo dd and A, 12yo ds. My issue today is with dd's 17yo boyfriend and some info I inadvertentantly found out.

Background: dd and boyfriend have been dating about a year and in everyone's eyes, he's a perfect gentleman and has been really good to dd. About 2 or 3 months ago, the boyfriend met a girl at a friend's mom's wedding. They "clicked" but other than flirting nothing happened then. He sent her a myspace message the next day something like "I'm sorry for coming on so strong last night and I have a girlfriend." Well some other messages went back and forth - flirtatious. Dd went on his myspace and found these messages. He swore it was innocent. She talked to the girl and she said it was innocent. They worked it out and moved past it.

About 2 weeks ago, dd, boyfriend and the friend who's mom got married were hanging out. The friend is dating the girl who is bestfriends with the "flirtatious" girl. The friends girlfriend wanted to see him. They all met up at boyfriends house. DD was less than thrilled that the "other girl" would be there too. Her boyfriend told her many times if she didn't want the girls there that he would make them leave. She kept saying it was his decision not hers. DD tried to be the better person and talk to the girl - the girl was a total witch to her. (The "other girl" goes to a different school and the had never met before, they just knew about each other)

That night, dd came home. When she left boyfriend's house, the girls were still there. She was really upset with the whole experience. Boyfriend ended up commenting on dd's myspace that he was over at the friends house and was spending the night but his phone wasn't working (and supposedly the girls had left) - dd went nuts over everything. She broke up with him and I think that lasted an hour. She ended up im'ing him and saying she was sorry. They worked things out and he apologized, etc He came over the next day and everything was "fine." They talked and he swore to her nothing happened. Everything was back to "perfect."

Now my dilemna. Sunday, boyfriend came over and then they left to go shopping. I needed to use dd's computer (well her scanner). Her computer came off of hibernation and her aim signed on automatically. Within seconds, a message pops up and as I'm typing "sorry this isn't dd...." with intentions of signing off, I see what's typed, who it's from and who it's to. My jaw dropped. I was signed on boyfriends account and it was the other girl double checking that "when we were 'talking' nothing happened inside me right?" and what should she do if she's pregnant. Needless to say, I signed off immediately.... but now what??? I wish my story ended there....

I stupidly made up a fake sn and "talked" to the girl that night - I ended up feeling really bad for her and she was really treated like crap. She's apparently bipolar, dd's boyfriend apparently told her afterwards "you do know this was a one-night stand," and apparently she tried suicide since. He had told her that dd and he had broken up and was like "so this is what it's like to be single" and the fun began.... She felt bad for dd (she doesn't know it was me that she was talking to) and said she wanted to tell her. She felt like an idiot the next day when it was obvious dd and boyfriend were fine.

I also "talked" to a good friend (used to have a crush on the "other girl") of boyfriend and dd. He had apparently just found out everything (he im'd "me" when the other girl told him we were talking) and felt dd should know too....

So 2 days later, dd still doesn't know anything and I have no idea how to tell her.... She and I have had issues in the past, nothing major mostly me butting in, but things are finally calm and happy and I'm letting her live her own life. Me telling her this would not be pretty and I keep hoping someone will "man up" and tell her. I keep hoping because this weeks is finals, everyone is just trying to get through that before the drama hits the fan and boy will there be drama from this. The other girl knows "someone" knows, the friend of dd and boyfriend knows "someone" knows, and I'm sure boyfriend knows "someone" knows - they just don't know who.

Do I just stay out of it from this point forward, like I should have from the beginning? Do I IM dd from my made up screen name and tell her? do I straight up tell her? him? They both have tons of things scheduled for the summer and won't have lots of time together so I am hoping their relationship dies.

I was sick to my stomach when this all came about - she's so perfectly happy and he's so "obsessed" with her. This will be so traumatic (obviously) and I don't know what to do. I'm scared if it comes from me, it will be seen as me trying to break them up and "bond" them that much more. I have seen the boyfriend quite a few times since all of this and have to pretend that everything is "peachy" when all I want to do is knock him out. I had to stop myself from hoping the other girl WAS pregnant.... btw dd does have a gyn appt for next week so testing will happen. I just don't know what to do.

Someone please help me.

btw please don't slam me for my actions. I know I was dumb and immature to IM the girl. It was a heat of the moment thing and I really just wanted dd to find out from someone other than me. It's obvious this girl wants dd's boyfriend and if she would tell dd he would be free for her to "have."




Edited 6/12/2007 8:21 am ET by helladrama

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:23am

My first thought was that you'd have to tell your dd somehow so she could get tested for STD's but you said that she already has a gyn appointment set up; will a STD test be a part of that?

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:39am

Pam: Yes I believe std screening will be part of the exam. If not, I will definitely be bringing it up.

I am so consumed with this and I hope someone can help me. I can think of little else but scenarios to play this out and I don't know how long I can pretend everything is okay around him. I want to burst out in tears when I see my dd and how happy she is. I am just so completely shocked by the outcome.

Part of me wants to just forget it and pray it was just a stupid mistake by an immature boy, because when she finds out she's going to be ripped! What I mean by this is, most of her friends drink and party. Bf hates drinking and they never go to parties. The one time they went to a party, dd got drunk, her bf ended up calling me to get her. She's naturally a very outgoing, flirtacious girl, but he said with her drinking that was a hundred times intensified. I worry that this situation will bring the party girl out in her and she could find herself in a much worse situation if not just for spite.

But of course - how can I forget?? I can't tell which is worse - that he did this to my dd, who he worships or that he treated that other girl so poorly. I was always sure this scenario would be the other way around - that dd would be the one to break his heart. I almost wish I was right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:02pm

Not sure if this will be of any help, but my dd was in a similar situation. After two years of dating her b/f, they were 17 and 18 at the time, my dd was 18, she found out he had a couple of indiscretions. He did not, however, have sexual relations, just what I guess to be some heaving flirting and maybe some touching. It did lead to a break up, he did it, which I felt at the time was his guilt eating at him. I was right. A few weeks later, he came back literally begging her forgiveness and wanting to stay together, they are still together and very happy today. Believe it or not, they are talking about getting engaged. He is a good kid, honor student, athlete, no drinks or drugs and will be going to college in the fall for Psychology. He swears he still doesn't know why he did it, he just did.

Here is the similarity. I already knew some things right before the breakup and while they were broke up, but I did not tell my dd. I felt it better for her to find out from him. Let him be a man and face up to what he did. Coming from me it would have only sounded like I was just meddling even though I was so angry with him, I could have smashed him. I even thought of talking to him, I refrained.

I did attribute it to immaturity, sowing wild oats. That does not excuse lieing or cheating, but they are so young and most have no real clue what is going on. This was a year ago and he still apologizes for hurting her. He has not done anything since and I don't believe that he will. He realized what he could have lost and it wasn't worth it.

I would not get involved just yet. His guilt may bring him to fess up. As far as having your dd checked, I would definitely do that. My dd's b/f swears that he has never had sex with anyone but her, they were virgins when they got together. However, my dd sees a gyno regularly for other problems and she has no infections or anything.

It is so hard to see them hurt. If she does find out, just be there with lots of love and support.

Good luck

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:44pm

Sadly I don't think his guilt will get to him. I mean I know he feels guilty, but I think his fear of losing her will win out. Last night, dd came out to hangup the phone after they talked. She had the biggest smile on her face. She said "BF made me cry - he was saying the sweetest things" - he's so worried about them making it through the summer with their schedules. And here I sat, aww-ing and muttering under my breath simultaneously.

I also don't think he will because he knows without a shadow of a doubt how dd will react. He's a rather intimidating guy, but as small as she is, she gives him a run for the money. They broke up after the first time with this girl and she was clear that if he screwed up again, they were done. She told him she could have handled the flirting, etc had he told her about it, but he lied to her and continued to lie about it for days after she confronted him about it.

He's already lied about what happened that night. When he came over the next day, dd had a friend over. Dd was trying to explain why she was mad about the night before (the girl being over at his house), the friend (so eloquently) asked boyfriend "Did you get laid?" To make it even worse, dd told him he had bad taste in who he cheats on her with. He also got alot of grief from everyone, not only for his treatment of dd but for who he was with. If he was given grief for flirting, etc with the girl I (he) can only imagine how they would treat him for having sex with her (plus his treatment of her afterwards, that would go over well) So, I think I can safely say his lips are sealed.

I think if he told her, there would be fireworks, but think she would get past it eventually, she is that crazy about him. Of course, he's not seeing it this way and can't do it. The joke is she has the brass ones in the relationship and he knows she would crush him with this.

I think the only way he would come forward to her about it is if the other girl is pregnant. Pitiful? Very much so. He's a really good kid though other than this shocker.

How long should I give his guilt time to present itself? I suppose if I don't say anything now, I'm keeping quiet forever. That would go over really well with dd if 3 months from now I tell her. The only thing that kept my mouth shut Sunday was the fact that finals were this week, not good timing.

Thank you for sharing and the advice and I am really happy yours has a happy ending, I can only hope for the same.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:02pm

One thing you could do is tell the BF that you know, you don't have to tell him how you know, just that you do. You could then tell him that the best thing for him to do is tell your DD. This is what happend to my DH when his first wife cheated on him. An outside person let her know that the truth always comes out and that it would be better comming from her. They were very young at the time, so I equate the two senerios a bit. I will say for you mom I don't personally know if I would want my DD to be with this boy, but we live by a motto around this house, you don't Lie, Cheat or Steal (comes from the Naval Academy)....but the one thing DH and I have seen through life is Once a cheater, always a cheater. My ex SIL cheated on her fiance' with my brother. my brother married her and 10 yrs later she cheated on my brother :( I know he is young, but I would not want my daughter with someone who would do that so easily, even at such a young age. Just my opinion.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:14pm

Believe me I don't want her with him. Am I worried about the end result when this comes out? Oh yes! I don't want dd to self-destruct. I can't help but think this is just the beginning, especially if he gets away with it and his guilt never shows.

I honestly can't come up with how else I could possibly know without it being because of "snooping" and then it will all blowup in my face. Kind of the reason that I IM'ed the girl, hoping she would tell dd. She wanted to, but I am going to guess this was mentioned to boyfriend and he probably freaked. The friend wanted to tell her too, supposedly, but like I said 2 days later and everything is just hunky dory!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:20pm

Many hugs to you. What an absolutely horrible spot to be in. My DD17 is so in love with her bf too that I think she would believe he craps gold if that is what he told her. So I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to get involved.

But I have a serious problem with the fact that just weeks before this bf did lose your DD over this very same girl. Even after already losing her he still made the decision to "get laid" so apparently losing DD AGAIN wasn't very important to him at the time. So I don't see this as making a mistake that he learned from because not only did he do it again but he actually had sex with the girl this time without using protection and exposing DD to possible STDs. Since he didn't learn the first time why would he learn a second time and he might just do it again. Some serious character flaws here.

I have always been a big believer in honesty. And I couldn't imagine how my DD would feel if I had known and I did not say anything. The way you found out was completely innocent. You weren't snooping through diaries or jean pockets, you were using her scanner and this just popped up on the screen. IMHO, if it were me, I would wait til after exams and if the bf doesn't come clean I would as gently as possible explain to DD that I love her more than anything but I found out some very hurtful information and even though I would never want to to see her hurt she deseveres to know the truth. I don't know if I would fess up to talking to the girl by making a screen name, not unless that came about and DD asked me. As hurt as she is going to be, at least she will have the information to decide how she wants to handle this.

I'm so sorry your in this situation and again many hugs to you. Let us know what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:44pm

I hope for a happy ending for your dd and you.

Your dd sounds like is a very strong young woman, she may handle this better this better than you think. You know her better than anyone, and know if you should let her know about this. If you two have a good relationship, she may be mad at first, but your are her mother and that is a bond that will never be broken. She is young and she will get over bad feelings.

Hugs to you

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:13pm

I love your screen name, my kids talk that way, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: helladrama
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:01pm

Thank you Marie: I did make a copy of it and it is saved. She wasn't home at the time and when she came home boyfriend was with her. I had no intentions of going the way I went with the fake name and I know it was completely stupid! I went to the girls myspace and there was a pic of dd and her boyfriend on her myspace! Except dd's face was replaced with the girls face. Dd's boyfriend has pics of dd all over his myspace and I guess this girl hijacked one or some. There was also some quite derogatory names towards obviously dd. Her sn was right on her page. My emotions got the best of me and the thought process ended! No excuse of course. I just wanted her to know if she told dd what happened he would be free. STUPID STUPID STUPID yeah that's me.

I'm not sure what I am going to do, but it will be something and yes, if I could go backwards in time, I would in a heartbeat. I'm physically making myself sick over this and I feel guilty. Of all people, I'm the one that feels guilty. I am not particularly crazy about the boy, but until this point I had no reason to dislike him.

But me showing dd the copy of the convo will lead to the fake name. The two go together. I tell you, I've been thinking millions of scenarios of what to do with it; some somewhat rational, others not at all. Boyfriend and older brother share a computer, and his brother had a million friends over that weekend. It could very well be one of them that accidentally had the conversation with the girl. The brothers always go on each others sn's and so do their friends.

I tell ya'll I feel like the biggest idiot and so helpless....

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