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| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 8:08am |
I'm new here so please bear with me. I am a single mom to K, 16yo dd and A, 12yo ds. My issue today is with dd's 17yo boyfriend and some info I inadvertentantly found out.
Background: dd and boyfriend have been dating about a year and in everyone's eyes, he's a perfect gentleman and has been really good to dd. About 2 or 3 months ago, the boyfriend met a girl at a friend's mom's wedding. They "clicked" but other than flirting nothing happened then. He sent her a myspace message the next day something like "I'm sorry for coming on so strong last night and I have a girlfriend." Well some other messages went back and forth - flirtatious. Dd went on his myspace and found these messages. He swore it was innocent. She talked to the girl and she said it was innocent. They worked it out and moved past it.
About 2 weeks ago, dd, boyfriend and the friend who's mom got married were hanging out. The friend is dating the girl who is bestfriends with the "flirtatious" girl. The friends girlfriend wanted to see him. They all met up at boyfriends house. DD was less than thrilled that the "other girl" would be there too. Her boyfriend told her many times if she didn't want the girls there that he would make them leave. She kept saying it was his decision not hers. DD tried to be the better person and talk to the girl - the girl was a total witch to her. (The "other girl" goes to a different school and the had never met before, they just knew about each other)
That night, dd came home. When she left boyfriend's house, the girls were still there. She was really upset with the whole experience. Boyfriend ended up commenting on dd's myspace that he was over at the friends house and was spending the night but his phone wasn't working (and supposedly the girls had left) - dd went nuts over everything. She broke up with him and I think that lasted an hour. She ended up im'ing him and saying she was sorry. They worked things out and he apologized, etc He came over the next day and everything was "fine." They talked and he swore to her nothing happened. Everything was back to "perfect."
Now my dilemna. Sunday, boyfriend came over and then they left to go shopping. I needed to use dd's computer (well her scanner). Her computer came off of hibernation and her aim signed on automatically. Within seconds, a message pops up and as I'm typing "sorry this isn't dd...." with intentions of signing off, I see what's typed, who it's from and who it's to. My jaw dropped. I was signed on boyfriends account and it was the other girl double checking that "when we were 'talking' nothing happened inside me right?" and what should she do if she's pregnant. Needless to say, I signed off immediately.... but now what??? I wish my story ended there....
I stupidly made up a fake sn and "talked" to the girl that night - I ended up feeling really bad for her and she was really treated like crap. She's apparently bipolar, dd's boyfriend apparently told her afterwards "you do know this was a one-night stand," and apparently she tried suicide since. He had told her that dd and he had broken up and was like "so this is what it's like to be single" and the fun began.... She felt bad for dd (she doesn't know it was me that she was talking to) and said she wanted to tell her. She felt like an idiot the next day when it was obvious dd and boyfriend were fine.
I also "talked" to a good friend (used to have a crush on the "other girl") of boyfriend and dd. He had apparently just found out everything (he im'd "me" when the other girl told him we were talking) and felt dd should know too....
So 2 days later, dd still doesn't know anything and I have no idea how to tell her.... She and I have had issues in the past, nothing major mostly me butting in, but things are finally calm and happy and I'm letting her live her own life. Me telling her this would not be pretty and I keep hoping someone will "man up" and tell her. I keep hoping because this weeks is finals, everyone is just trying to get through that before the drama hits the fan and boy will there be drama from this. The other girl knows "someone" knows, the friend of dd and boyfriend knows "someone" knows, and I'm sure boyfriend knows "someone" knows - they just don't know who.
Do I just stay out of it from this point forward, like I should have from the beginning? Do I IM dd from my made up screen name and tell her? do I straight up tell her? him? They both have tons of things scheduled for the summer and won't have lots of time together so I am hoping their relationship dies.
I was sick to my stomach when this all came about - she's so perfectly happy and he's so "obsessed" with her. This will be so traumatic (obviously) and I don't know what to do. I'm scared if it comes from me, it will be seen as me trying to break them up and "bond" them that much more. I have seen the boyfriend quite a few times since all of this and have to pretend that everything is "peachy" when all I want to do is knock him out. I had to stop myself from hoping the other girl WAS pregnant.... btw dd does have a gyn appt for next week so testing will happen. I just don't know what to do.
Someone please help me.
btw please don't slam me for my actions. I know I was dumb and immature to IM the girl. It was a heat of the moment thing and I really just wanted dd to find out from someone other than me. It's obvious this girl wants dd's boyfriend and if she would tell dd he would be free for her to "have."
Edited 6/12/2007 8:21 am ET by helladrama

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Thank you for the kind words and the much needed hugs.
I agree whole-heartedly with his character being flawed and I would have never seen that coming. I think I am going to think through the end of the week and be able to think clearer. When finals are done I will probably tell her, somehow. I know in his mind "they were broken up" but for a whole hour! What a jerk. I have to put on my happy face since he will be over in the next hour.
Pray for a calm weekend for me.
And thank ya'll all so much, what a great place!
"I did make a copy of it and it is saved"
You could
A) let things alone and let her find out in her own time and way.
B) send a copy of the convo to your DD in an envelope anonymously. Completely feign having any knowledge of anything and ride the waves of the storm that will occur. Probably pretty easy for someone to have gotten your address from one of the friends. And, surely you can make the writing look teenagery. It's not like it will go to the authorities and be fingerprinted or DNA'd.
C) tell the bf you know he fooled around on DD and he'd better come clean or you'll spill the beans.
D) come clean yourself, preface the facts with the honesty to your daughter that you cannot sit by and let her be lied to like this by someone who professes his love to her. Remind her, calmly, that when you love a child, sometimes we follow our instincts and do somethings that we later regret. Remind her that you only want the best for her and will stand behind her in whatever decision she makes, but that she should be able to make an informed decision regarding continuing with the bf, and to be informed she must know these facts.
Not sure which one I'd choose actually. I can see myself doing something just like you did. Is there any harm done by what you did, in all honesty? Who could you have harmed by making up a name and conversing with the girl? Only yourself, IMO. Any harm done to the other girl or the bf, is only of their own doing, nothing you have done.
Best wishes!!
Sallie
Thank you Sallie: These are just a few of the many scenarios that have ran through my head the last few days. I am completely making myself sick about everything. He just left after being here for a few hours and it took everything in me to not scream bloody murder. Smiling and chatting away. I have to keep everything cool until atleast Friday. Talk about torture.
I'm also second guessing everything. When boyfriend is on dd's computer is aim info says "At xxxx's house - God I love her" These teens are fanatical about checking info's - she had to see that. Maybe she was just trying to start trouble? It wouldn't be the first time. She does seem pretty obsessed with him.
I just don't know what to do.
Would it be chicken to wait until Friday and approach boyfriend claiming the "anonymous" person contacted dd while I happened to be on her computer? and hear him out? Or should I leave him out of the loop? I just don't think I can swallow this.
Again thanks to all of ya'll it's been great to have "someone" to talk to through this.
They WERE broken up-obviously, neither he or this other gal wasted anytime but he does have the loophole.
If he's a cheater, surely it will come out in other ways. Maybe it was impulsive because he had worked so hard NOT to cheat-she still blamed him-and he did the "well, if I'm going to catch it anyway, I might as well do something to deserve it"
Immature? Yep, but what else can you expect?
They have so much learning to do.
I would stay out of it-I would probably avoid him for awhile because the sweetness would rub it in
But I think "dont shoot the messenger" came about for a reason; I wouldnt want to be the messenger
I would be tempted to tell him to fess up or I'd tell. But then when you think about it, he could wait a while and still try to turn it around on you. I'd probably leave him out of the loop and ditch that possibility.
Whatever you decide, best wishes!!
Sallie
There's no better way of changing yourself than to see yourself in someone else...and you are, and still am, me to a "T".
My 17 year old daugher is in and out of a relationship with a 21 year old guy that I, like you want to (but I have), told her everytime (and there were plenty) I knew he was "doing her wrong". I checked "away messages" from both of them, read their my spaces, etc. and, as much as she told me to "stay out of her life", I couldn't.
My daughter and I will have big fights over her boyfriends lies, cheating, etc. only to have her "break up" with him for a week or two but then she's right back in the game.
I never went to him with what I found out, but I "drilled" it into her head to the point where she and I ended up in screaming matches with her defending her boyfriend no matter what he did.
So, my advice to you is; leave it buried for now. Somehow, whether it's today, tomorrow or next month, the truth always has a way of working itself to the surface and you can just sit in the background and let her boyfriend of one of her friends break the news.
It seems, no matter what I say or how much evidence I gave her, she would believe him.
I am ashamed to admit how much I "meddled" in her life...and in the end she, and she alone, will see the "light" and do what she feels in her heart is right.
But, if this boyfriend of your daughter's is so "obscessed" with her, as you say he is, then why, why, why would he do this to her with the other girl and even chance your daughter finding out and leaving him?
Our teenagers are young and inexperienced and if there's one thing I learned it's that this won't be your daughter's last boyfriend and to think of this relationship in "long range" terms is ridiculous. Every boyfriend, and I hope our daughters will have many to choose from, are just one more step to growing up and learning about guys.
What happened to her happens all the time in high school and it's unfortunate and it hurts us mothers so much to see our daughters put through this..but that's life and, when and if she finds out, she will find out that life goes on and there will be another guy just waiting to take her out the next day.
Let her lose this guy if that's what happens when she finds out. Personally, I wouldn't want him in her life either and I, like the other poster, do believe that once a cheater...always a cheater. He's out there looking for something????
Good Luck.
Helladrama,
((Hug))...you are living my life! I read every post and gained some valuable insights. My dd is dating a guy and has been for a year and a half. In the past two months, his behavior has started to change. It's been gradual, but as the year is coming to a close, his behavior is becoming increasingly suspect. This guy is a really nice guy, and he's also very outgoing, goodlooking, etc. The other day dd came home with her girlfriend, and she told me that a good friend of bf's had told someone at school that bf had cheated on my dd, several times. Interestingly enough, my daughter and her friend seemed more concerned with WHO was spreading rumors, rather than if the rumor was true. She still seems, at least on the surface, to not be sure it is true. Personally, because I am an adult I have seen red flags about his behavior for awhile, and I think the rumor IS true. I too am trying very hard to allow my dd navigate this sticky situation. I've become completely obsessed with all this drama, and it's making me sick to my stomach. I've gone through hypothetical conversations with the bf in my head, but I know that my daughter would be furious with me if I actually had those conversations with him. I really think it is best to let them figure these things out themselves. However, if I do find out anything definitive about boyfriend's behavior, or if my dd asks me my opinion, I will be honest. The newest wrinkle is that bf is going to beach week (tonight being their graduation) and I have absolutely no doubt that he'll be doing things he shouldn't. I'm pretty sure he is now. It is absolutely hell holding back from telling her what I think about him. She isn't ready to hear it, at least from me. The totally weird thing is that he does still like her, and he gets quite jealous when other guys talk to her (she's petite, blonde and quite lovely). She desperately wants to go to beach week too, but we've told her no. I know she wants to go because she feels that is the only way she can prevent him from cheating on her. She's so close to the situation that she can't see how desperate a move that is.
I am in the position you are. How much, if any, of this information do we pass along to daughter? My dh is sick and tired of hearing about it too. He thinks I'm nuts because I'm so involved. So good luck, hang in there and keep me posted. --Nancy
Nancy:
I read your letter and just had to laugh at the end...my husband doesn't think I'm nuts..he KNOWS I am.
My daughter too, will go places, maybe she didn't necessarily want to, just to make sure her boyfriend "behaves" and from what I've heard...these senior trips or beach weeks are all out "wild".
With my daughter's boyfriend being so much older than her, the playing field isn't even begun to be even when it comes to him..with the bars and staying out later. But, I've told her that if you can't begin to trust him NOT to pick up other girls or cheat on you than you might as well hang it up right now because "babysitting" him will grow old real fast.
Our girls see only what they want to see, do you find that to be true? If we just stand back, I'm finding out, and let them muddle through life on their own, they, though it may take awhile and alot of heartbreak, will find their own way and hopefully see these guys for what they are.
When I complain about my daughter's boyfriend to my husband, he'll just say "she's a teenager...this is all part of growing up; but if I see him truly "hurt" her, he'll have to answer to me...and he pretty much stays out of our daughter's love life (which, by the way, she brings up all the time to me; why can't I be more like dad?
I have found out, with my daughter's boyfriend, that all the jealousy and questioning and checking up about other guys she "talked" to (which she found so loving), was just his way of turning the game around when he was the one doing EXACTLY what he always accuses her of doing...funny!
Her friends will always be the one she turns to for advice and really listens too..
Those of you who have been here awhile know that I *VERY* rarely designate S as my foster son rather than my DS.
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