HELP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
HELP!!!!!
3
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 2:23pm
I am the mother of 3 children - ages 8, 5 and 19 months. About a year and 1/2 ago my 13 year old step-son came to live with us. I had never met him, as his mother had taken him to Germany when he was a baby. His mother had put him in private schools because she couldn't deal with him and after getting tired of paying for that she sent him to us - with practically no warning. I have many questions and concerns...but I guess my biggest problem is not knowing what to expect from a teenager...he will be 14 in December - and can't remember to turn homework in - much less do any household chores. I am not sure if this is due to laziness on his part or if I am expecting too much for his age...He wants to buy things and go to school activities - and I have a problem just handing over money (for one thing there are 3 other children to buy things for) when he doesn't want to earn any....
I would appreciate any feedback - from mothers of teenagers - and/or step-moms...I feel like the "wicked" step mom!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mamabearcub
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:40am

I imagine there is a period of adjustment for all of you. Here's this boy who has been in boarding schools most of his life and then he thrust into a family environment he hardly knows. He needs to figure out where he fits into the equation - not just in regards to school and his room, but in the family. Blood does not make a family, as I'm sure you understand all of this.

Have you or H considered seeing a counselor so you can better learn to parent this boy? He may have some emotional scars that will need tender care. Parenting is never black and white, but with a child who has emotional issues it is even more confusing and may need a lot of extra care. Does he have a medical history? How involved was the communication between he and his father over the years? Does he have his own room? There are so many questions...

I think it would be a good idea to consult with a counselor who specializes in step families and adolescents so you can perhaps pick up a few tips. Also, have a family meeting with everyone and see what is discussed, what are the concerns, etc. The main rule is that everyone has a turn to speak without interruption and without fear of reprimand - they can speak thier mind and express thier true feelings without feeling stupid or bad. After you're able to get a handle on the emotional issues, then I would let him know your expectations for school - yes, he should be expected to do his best in school and hand in his homework. No, there are no exceptions except illness to prevent this. Baby steps, you know what I mean? If he perceives you to be fair minded, he will likely settle in nicely. But above all, your H and you must provide a united front - if he thinks that he can volley between you and his father, there will be trouble, so make sure you settle the rules, etc., with you H before the family meeting.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: mamabearcub
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:22am

Firstly I think it is very unfair for you, a young mother of three children, to be expected to deal entirely with the issues of a boy you barely know on your own. Where is your husband in all this? Why isn't he setting the rules and guidelines for his son?

I imagine his son is in a very uncomfortable position. It appears that his mother had no real relationship with him especially if she kept him in boarding schools and then dumped him on her ex husband and a woman she doesn't even know. And he barely knows his father as well.

If it were me, I'd worry less about disciplining him and restricting his allowance for now and more about establishing a good relationship with him. Make an attempt to learn more about him, as an individual. Try to find out what interests him, what his dreams are, what his disappointments have been and how he views life. You may find him to be very angry about his treatment so far in life and that would be understandable. But pay some attention to him as a human being -- as you would one of your own children -- and see if that helps something blossom. Share something about yourself as well and what you like to do etc.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
In reply to: mamabearcub
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:41am
My husband works in Iraq in only home 3 weeks every couple of months - so yes it is a difficult situation...and the past 1 1/2 years we have all been trying to get to know him and to help him to fit into our family. His dad sets rules when he is here and tries to help enforce them from overseas - but I try not to burden him with the small things when he is so far away and can not help. J has very warped ideals about money and lifestyle - he wants a job to make a lot of money - expensive cars - expensive clothes - everything is about how much it costs...but has no desire to do good in school in order to achieve those things. This is one of the reasons that I am trying to teach him some responsibility and the value of a dollar - I feel that he is old enough and with his dad gone I could use a little help as well!
I do understand that this is a difficult situation for him - and am trying to be patient and understanding - be neither my husband or myself was given any choice - much less notice in the situation...he was put on a plane and then we were called and told he was on his way and where to pick him up - with me scheduled for a c-section in two weeks...