HELP!!!
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HELP!!!
| Sun, 10-01-2006 - 3:46am |
I am the stepmom of a 15 year old girl and I feel like my life is unravelling! I also have a 2 and a half year old daughter. My stepdaughter is getting more and more out of control everyday and as a result my marriage is suffering, I feel like a horrible mother and I am getting very depressed. She smokes (cigs and weed), has sex, runs away periodically, skips school regularly and when at home is very disrespectful. We have tried everything from counselling to grounding to taking away privileges (phone, tv, etc), she's been on medication, off medication, we've talked, we've listened. She just does not seem to care about anything or anyone other than the group of friends she's hanging out with - and that situation couldn't be much worse either!! I love my husband dearly but am on the verge of moving out just to escape the constant stress of living with his daughter!! Her behaviour has been on a downhill slide for the past 2 years and I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this... or if I even should be dealing with this! I am hoping to find someone out there to talk to about this... thanks.

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I find it rather interesting that first we hear that you have a 2 1/2 y/o DD, and then later you say that your DSD's behavior has been getting worse for the past 2 years.
Hey Peggy~
I agree with rose's response but also felt inclined to add some thoughts of my own.
When the teen is acting out like that and you think you've exhausted all efforts to 'straighten her out' there is usually one thing that you haven't tried. And that's changing your methods at changing her. It's about accepting certain aspects of the person she is; accepting her 'own' progress into adulthood.
I'm not saying you just throw up your hands and accept poor behavior or disrespectful attitudes, but you do need to stop making it a constant battle.
Okay, she's having sex? Is she going to stop having sex because you don't want her to? No. So, get her to a DR and get her on BCP ASAP. Make sure she has a thorough examination and doesn't have any STD's. Talk with her about using condoms - preventing pregnancy with BCP is fine, but she needs to be doubly protected from disease and infections. Detail it out for her - buy a book on it, something. But simply arguing about it will get you nowhere. Most of all, talk with her about respecting her body and about sharing herself with just anyone. Be sure to talk with her about valuing herself and that while you understand she's not going to wait till marriage, she should be very particular about who she's intimate with. Talk with her about the emotional impact of a sexually intimate relationship and how it changes things. How it often becomes the centerpeice of a relationship and can be the very thing that ruins a relationship. Talk about her emotional well being as well as her physical well being.
She smokes cigarettes? Do not buy them and do not allow her to smoke in your home or even on certain parts of your property - but stop arguing about it. Take her to buy herself an ashtray for outside someplace and make that her smoking area. If she breaks that rule, then you can justly punish her. But stop making this a battle. She will not quit smoking because you tell her so.
Smoking pot? Well, inform her that any contraband or paraphernalia will be confiscated if found and that she is not allowed to EVER smoke it in or near your home - EVER. Tell her that if she does, you will call the police and then if she tests you, DO it. When she's not with you or at home, she will smoke it whether you like it or not. Stop fighting about it and ACT on it instead in the only areas you can - your home.
Bottom line is that your actions speak louder than your words. Arguing and fighting about it doesn't get you anywhere. DD may need counseling, but right now, YOU and H need a counselor more. Seek out a counselor who can help you to develop a parenting plan that is fair and just for a teenager. Someone who will teach you methods of dealing with a difficult teen, and offer some ways in which you can help her to develop her interests and talents, to think about her future. Reacting to her in a positive fashion will get you someplace. Constantly punishing and taking away privileges only works for a short period of time...after a while the teen feels like she has nothing to lose because you're already angry with her all the time anyway and you've taken everything away already.
Change your tactics. As things improve and when she realizes that you're not in a constant battle anymore, make some alone time for the two of you - go to the mall or out to lunch or on a day trip someplace (like a nearby city, etc.). Each child (at 15 they are still part child) needs some time alone with thier caregiver. If she is feeling resentment towards you due to you other child, you still have time to fix that and let her know that time spent alone with her is special to you and that you know that. Best of luck.
Listen to the previous two posts! They both have great relationships with their teenage dd's, so there is alot you can learn from them. I agree 100% with their posts, and both have given me great advise this past difficult year with my own dd14.
I hope that your post only spoke of the desperation you feel, and that you would not really consider leaving. Believe me, I have wanted to leave many times and just throw in the towel! Battling with your teens, and I have to say in particular with a dd (for moms anyway), is exhausting. As adults, we have to model for our teens that you do not walk away from a difficult situation - unless it's just for a few minutes to "cool off". I think you should think in terms of what you would do if your dsd were in reality your own dd - would you give up on her?
Thanks to all who took the time to respond! Just wanted to share a little bit more of the background story.... While I did say that the problems had started a couple years ago, in fact, dsd has always been a very difficult child and was nearly expelled from school in grade five for bullying other kids - I think what is happening is that as she is getting older, the choices she is making have more potential to do her long-term serious harm. Since she was nine it's been five years of 'one step forward, two steps back'. It's not all bad and there have been some rewarding moments but for the most part it's been a tremendous struggle. I know that the birth of my dd must have been a huge adjustment for her but she is a kind and loving sister and shows no sign of jealousy or resentment toward her. And while it may seem all too easy to blame the BM I do think that is a HUGE part of the problem. She is the type that tries to be best friends with her DD instead of being a role model. She is addicted to prescription medication (got a problem? pop a pill!) and is obsessed with the way she looks. While my DSD has always worshipped her BM, lately she frequently comments that she "hates" her. Thankfully, we live 1000 miles apart and she has only seen her BM for a total of two days in the past year. (She didn't eat for three days after that visit). I realize how much she must be hurting inside to say that she hates her BM and my heart breaks for her. I just don't know how to fix it so that she can feel good about herself and be happy!
Yes, when I spoke of leaving it was the sheer desparation talking. I have no intention of leaving or of giving up on her. I love her and I want her to see herself the way I see her. A beautiful, funny, intelligent, loving girl who can do anything in this world that she sets her mind to.
I agree whole-heartedly with all of the advice you wrote to me and will definitely be trying harder to stop fighting and start building a better relationship with her. I always tell her that I have no doubt she will grow into a happy, well-adjusted adult... but we have to get through the next few years without killing each other!! :)
Thanks again,
Peggy
{{{Peggy}} Bless you for caring enough to find a solution.
I hope you don't take offense at this, but it sounds like you/DH have totally disregarded the fact that there is the possibility that DD may need medical attention, that is, medicine. Based on this added information, she sounds like she may have some level of mood disorder or something else that needs more than simple discipline.
My 16dd has always been difficult as well, she's had a few run ins with authorities, makes impulsive choices and creates drama where there would otherwise be none. She has definitely come a long way this past year and made some great strides but I've had moments where I seriously wondered what would become of her as an adult...even wishing the day would come when I wouldn't be responsible for her anymore.
With counseling, for all of us, as well as a low dose medication, a school change and a lot of understanding and acceptance, we're all in a better place now. She's matured, she's made friends who are good kids, she doesn't smoke pot or drink, (she does smoke cigarettes) and she talks to me, with me. She finally reached the point, as did we, where we understood 'this isn't working' and changed the way we interact with one another.
Some people may not agree, but I truly believe that my 16dd was like a mini adult trapped inside a child's body and because of that, she was in a constant struggle with us, her parents. There we were inhibiting everything the thought or wanted to do, which was our job and for her own safety, and there she was rebelling constantly. We had a mantra: "When you behave responsibly, you earn more privileges and the responsibility that goes along with those privileges" and eventually, in part by watching her sister gain more privileges, dd16 learned that was the only way she was going to get to do what she wanted - by first doing what was she HAD to do and obeying our rules. BTW, we're fair but strict from what other kids and parents tell us, so it wasn't a matter of us being too lenient or too strict.
I hope you find a way to reach her. Best of luck.
First of all, take a deep breath and try to relax for just a few minutes. Teens can sense anxiety like a dog can smell fear. One of the hardest things for me to learn in dealing with my DD was to remain calm. When I really wanted to yell or scream or cry, I had to just walk away for a little while. Once she realized she couldn't push my buttons, things got so much better.
I did a few things that really helped. First of all, I read every book on parenting teens I could find. I didn't always agree with everything but they gave me a variety of views that I hadn't even thought of. Plus the helped my self-confidence.
The second big thing I did was to meet with an adolescent counselor. Her patients are normally the teens themselves but mine refused to go so I went in her place. This woman helped me to understand some of my DD thought processes and as a result, I learned how to deal with DD better.
Relating any punishments to her "crimes" was a big step for DD. For instance, when she lied to me 4 separate times about being drunk, she was given 4 major chores to do - 1 for each lie. It was her one and only time at being drunk so I wasn't too concerned about that - plus the throwing up and the hangover was a pretty good punishment there. She had been lying to us alot at that time and I was more concerned with that behavior. If she did the chores well and without complaint, I might let her off of one for good behavior. Sort of a reward system. It worked for her and she rarely argued with her punishments b/c they made sense to her.
Good Luck!
Hi again!
No we haven't overlooked the fact that she needs meds. It's just that it's difficult to cram 5 years of history on to one page and as I'm new to this I wasn't sure how much I should be rambling on! :) DSD has been on several different types of medication since she was eight years old when she was diagnosed with a mild form of tourette's, add, and ocd. They told us there was a good chance that she would outgrow the tourettes', which seems to be the case and the ocd has improved quite dramatically in the past few years. Some medications seem to help for a while, others don't seem to make any difference at all, but she does see a counsellor and a pediatrician regulary. Just came back from lunch with DH who had a meeting at her school this morning. They are arranging for us to meet with a family counsellor at the school once a week - I am so happy to hear that - at this point we need all the help we can get! This is helping too. I told my husband about the advice I received from all here and he was very receptive. Will keep you posted.
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better about the situation.
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